The Tar Babies

I thought I got punk'd earlier at work when my co-worker told me what Compton (Ca.) High School's mascot is. Go ahead, see it for yourself. And people bitch about the Redskins and the Utes.

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last Week: 12-3
Against-the-spread: 10-6
Season Total: 105-54
Season ATS: 88-65
Lock-of-the-week: 5-5
I continue to dominate in every category except the lock, whch has been a disaster all year. Whatever.
Cincinnati(1-8-1) at Pittsburgh(7-3) -10
The Bengals have been playing better, up until they suspended Ocho-Cinco. Dumb. Steelers 41, Bengals 21
Houston(3-7) at Cleveland(4-6) -3
Two middle-of-the-pack teams that are playing well right now. Browns 10, Texans 6
San Francisco(3-7) at Dallas(4-6) -10.5
Tony Romo alternates with me between stud and mega-douche. This week he took a homeless dude to the movies, so: Cowboys 38, Niners 28
Tampa Bay(7-3) at Detroit(0-10) +9
Is this the week for Det to pick up a win? No. Buccs 28, Loins 16
NY Jets(7-3) at Tennessee(10-0) -5
The best team(and defense) in the league versus Favre. I feel one of his signature 9-Interception games coming on. It's my Take-it-to-Wendover-Lock-of-the-Week: Titans 41, Jets 24
Buffalo(5-5) at Kansas City(1-9) +3
Bills 30, Chefs 27
Chicago(5-5) at -St. Louis(2-8) +8.5
Bears 27, Rams 17
New England(6-4) at Miami(6-4) -2.5
Dolphins 29, Pats 24
Minnesota(5-5) at Jacksonville(4-6) -2.5
Jags 20, Vikes 12
Oakland(2-8) at Denver(6-4) -9.5
Broncos 34, Raiders 23
Carolina(8-2) at Atlanta(6-4) -1
Falcons 14, Panthers 7
NY Giants(9-1) at Arizona(7-3) +3
Giants 21, Cards 16
Washington(6-4) at Seattle(2-8) -3.5
Washington 32, Hawks 23
Indianapolis(6-4) at San Diego(4-6) -3
Bolts 16, Colts 14
Green Bay(5-5) at New Orleans(5-5) -3
Pack 32, Saints 26

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last Week: 9-5
Against the Spread: 8-5
Season Total: 93-51
Season ATS: 78-59
Lock-of-the-Week: 5-4
NY Jets(6-3) at New England(6-3) -3.5
Pats 30, Jets 21
Baltimore(6-3) at NY Giants(8-1) -6.5
Giants 18, Ravens 6
Chicago(5-4) at Green Bay(3-5) -3.5
Packers 17, Bears 12
Denver(5-4) at Atlanta(6-3) -6.5
Falcons 30, Broncs 29
Detroit(0-9) at Carolina(7-2) -14
Panthers 37, Loins 25
Houston(3-6) at Indianapolis(5-4) -9
Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Colts 30, Texans 9
Minnesota(5-4) at Tampa Bay(6-3) -4
Buccs 37, Vikes 31
New Orleans(4-5) at Kansas City(1-8) +5.5
Saints 37, Chefs 32
Oakland(2-7) at Miami(5-4) -10.5
Phins 33, Raiders 25
Philadelphia(5-4) at Cincinnati(1-8) +9
Eagles 36, Bengals 26
Arizona(6-3) at Seattle(2-7) +3
Cards 21, Hawks 16
St. Louis(2-7) at San Francisco(2-7) -6.5
Niners 30, Rams 27
San Diego(4-5) at Pittsburgh(6-3) -5
Steelers 35, Bolts 31
Tennessee(9-0) at Jacksonville(4-5) +3
Titans 23, Jags 15
Dallas(5-4) at Washington(6-3) +1.5
Upset Special #1: Washington 22, Cowboys 15
Cleveland(3-6) at Buffalo(5-4) NL
Upset Special #2: Browns 16, Bills 13

NFL playoff picks (if season ended today)

Another week, another box of stolen pens. We've got a lot of the same possible potential matchups this week, which really tests my writing acumen. I've really got to spice it up. I'll give it a shot.

It's about time for the Packers to make a run if they really want to make the playoffs. It's getting annoying how they keep losing these close games. You know, close games that Favre-ruh used to win. But how sweet would it be for the Cowboys to fall short of the playoffs? Tony Homo has to turn things around and keep lil' bitch T.O. happy in the process. Good luck with that.


Here's the bracket, and the breakdown:

AFC

Byes
1-Titans
2-Jets

4-Broncos
5-Ravens

Same matchup here as last week, and while the Broncos continue to pile up impressive offensive stats, the Ravens could match them there. Baltimore is all of the sudden a dark horse for a Super Bowl run, with rookie Joe Flacco finally giving the Ravens the offense that is five years overdue.
Ravens 23, Broncos 20

3-Steelers
6-Patriots

The Patriots are too up-and-down with Matt Cassell. He looked awesome against the Jets last week with 400 yards, but mainly because they fell behind so far early on. I just don't think they've got a playoff run in them without Tom Brady.
Steelers 27, Patriots 16

NFC

Byes
1-Giants
2-Panthers

4-Bears
5-Bucs


Another first-round matchup that mirrors last week's. After the teams' efforts in Week 10, I don't think much will change in my predictions. Kyle Orton proved that he's not 100 percent yet as the Bears squeaked by the Lions. The Bucs needed to rally as well to win in K.C. That's winning ugly. Sorry, Ditka.
Bucs 17, Bears 14

3-Cards
6-Redskins

The Cards can roll up impressive numbers against crappy teams from the NFC West, but I don't trust them when they play a defense with a pulse. That means the Redskins. Kurt Warner out in early 2nd quarter with a concussion, the 20th of his career, and then the Redskins hold on.
Redskins 19, Cards 17

AFC

2-Jets
3-Steelers

The Jets are finding ways to win and getting into a nice little groove. Sometimes it's impressive, other times not. That said, the Steelers are too tough defensively to allow much to the Fighting Favres. Defense wins in the playoffs, and the Jets don't have much.
Steelers 20, Jets 13

1-Titans
5-Ravens

I don't think anyone is convinced the Titans are that great. I'm in that camp. They win with their defense ... sound familiar? The Ravens wrote the book on stout D/crappy offense, except this year they actually have some game on the offensive end. I like the Ravens to hold their own and hold off the Titans.
Ravens 16, Titans 10

NFC

1-Giants
6-Redskins

The Giants are the best team in football. I know, gutsy. Too much firepower here for the solid 'Skins, who could otherwise make a nice run with a better draw. Just don't give Plax the glory cause he's a whiner.
Giants 31, Redskins 16

2-Panthers
5-Bucs

The Panthers luck out here by staying away from the Redskins, playing the Bucs in an NFC South slugfest. I'm gonna go with my instinct on this one and say the Panthers would prevail.
Panthers 23, Bucs 14

Conference title games

1-Giants
2-Panthers

Eli Manning takes the Giants back to the Super Bowl. The Giants are even better than they were a year ago. They're peaking right now and will be tough to beat in the playoffs if they can keep it up. Maybe they're hitting their stride too early, like the Pats of last season.
Giants 31, Panthers 7

3-Steelers
5-Ravens

This result really depends on the health of the Steelers. If Big Ben and Fast Willie can come in healthy, I like their chances. Sorry, Mewelde Moore. Big Ben just always finds a way to get it done. And the Steelers D will force the rookie QB into a few mistakes.
Steelers 26, Ravens 13

Super Bowl

Giants
Steelers

This one would come down to the defenses, and the Giants D would be more likely to stop the Steelers. Combine that with bowling ball Brandon Jacobs, and the Giants would coast to back-to-back titles. Believe it. Fucking Eli.
Giants 24, Steelers 10

BCS picks

Thank you, Iowa. Get Penn St. outta the damn national title hunt. When the Bucky Badgers are having this bad a year, no one in the Big Ten deserves to be in the title game. Especially with the eggs Ohio State laid the past two years. Now we need Oklahoma to knock off Texas Tech next week and Alabama to lose a couple, cause the Tide really haven't beaten anyone. Seriously, its best win is against LSU last week in Death Valley. The next best are against Georgia and Clemson, two teams that were supposed to be The Shit coming into the season, but have failed to do shit.

Here are the weekly BCS nuggets:

National title game: Florida vs. Oklahoma

It's the title game everyone wants to see. Well, at least this guy. Give it up. Given, Okahoma has a couple big ones left, against Texas Tech and then in the Big 12 title game. If they lose that one then we've got a certified goat rodeo. Meanwhile, Florida is looking great, and it'll be great to see them kill 'Bama in the SEC title game.
Florida 34, Oklahoma 31

Fiesta Bowl: Texas Tech vs. Utah
The Fiesta Bowl has the first pick after everyone fills their No. 1 slots. So why pick Utah? Proximity doesn't hurt, as the Utes showed they could travel well in '04. Texas is out because they wouldn't want an All-Big 12 matchup. That leaves Ohio State as perhaps the top candidate, since they won't want to pick the shit-ass Big East rep. Utes, Buckeyes. Buckeyes, Utes. Yeah, probably not gonna happen, but what the hell. Dance for me.
Texas Tech 42, Utah 17



Sugar Bowl: Alabama vs. Texas
Three teams from the Big 12? Is that even legal with just five BCS games? I have no idea, but if it isn't, it should be. This would be a much better matchup than a potential Alabama matchup vs. Georgia, Boise State, Ohio State or any of the other crap out there. Let's make it happen. It'll be Texas' statement blowout.
Texas 38, Alabama 22

Rose Bowl: USC vs. Penn State
The Grandaddy of Them All gets their coveted Pac-10 vs. Big Ten matchup. Thanks Penn State. Actually, it projects to be one of the better bowl games, so good for them. Still, the Trojans would have too much firepower for Penn State and the Big Ten would once again end the season in shame.
USC 31, Penn State 17

Orange Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Cincinnati
The ACC champ is guaranteed to play here, against basically the last pick of the BCS process, so the Orange Bowl is officially fucked. Surprise, cockfags. So you've got two teams that nobody gives a shit about in a bowl that otherwise could serve a purpose for two solid teams: Ohio State vs. Boise State? Georgia-Ball State? Any combo that lies therein. Lots of possibles. But instead, shit.
Wake Forest 33, Cincinnati 27



Playoffs (if such a thing existed)

1- Oklahoma
8- Cincinnati

4- Alabama
5- Penn St.

3- USC
6- Utah

2- Florida
7- North Carolina

Semis

1-Oklahoma
4-Alabama

3-USC
2-Florida

Finals

1-Alabama
3-Florida

Champ

Florida

College Prediction Slices

1. Alabama (Mississippi State)- I haven't figured out why, but I really don't want the Tide ebbing and flowing into the championship game. Or on my pants. I think it's the period color of their unis. Tide 45, Rebels 17

2. Texas Tech (Bye)- Harrell and Crabtree get a well-timed reprieve before heading into a season-ending gauntlet stretch at Oklahoma, against Baylor and a possible Big-12 Championship matchup against Chase boys at Missouri.

3. Texas (at Kansas)- Colt McCoy somehow lost traction in the Heisman race despite throwing for five TDs and 300 yards last week. Who the fuck votes on this? Lee Corso? Longhorns 55, Jayhawks 35

4. Florida (South Carolina)- I hate it when people bitch about running up the score. It's not Urban's fault the 'vaunted' SEC defenses can't stop his team. The Gators are averaging more than 43 points per game against the sieves in their conference.

5. Oklahoma (bye)- If the Boomers can figure a way to win out, they deserve a shot at the title...even if we all know they'll choke when they get there. On the docket: Texas Tech, Oklahoma State and maybe Missouri.

6. USC (at Stanford)- I would never root for Pete Carroll's merry band of douches, but I will say this: That Veronica Vaughn is one nice piece of accceeee. Profs 41, Cardinal 21

7. Utah (at SDSU)- I'm praying to Jehosifat that Utah doesn't draw a Big-12 team if they play a BCS game. In my head, that plays out pretty similar to last year's Georgia-Hawaii game. Utes 38, Tropical Warriors 17

8. Penn State (Indiana)- The Fighting Joe Pas may have bit the dust against Iowa, but they're still gonna make the Rose Bowl...which is better than the Big 10 deserves this year. Lions 54, Hoosiers 12

9. Boise State (at Idaho)- Now I know what the rest of college football feels like when Utah ends up going undefeated. Broncs 54, Vandals 7

10. Georgia (at Auburn)- I just want the Dogs to keep losing. It's really nothing against them. I just love seeing Scott try to act the role when they get their ass worked like Tashina. Dogs 16, Tigers 14

11. Ohio State (at Illinois)- Terrelle or Juice? What the fuck is an Illini? ? 24, Buckeyes 23

12. Missouri (at Iowa State)- I'm trying to decide who is more fit: Chase Daniel or Vader Time? Tigers 45, Cyclones 21

13. Oklahoma State (at Colorado)- I'M A MAN!!! I'M 23!!! Cowboys 31, Buffaloes 17

14. Ball State (at Miami, Ohio)- I'm feeling a 15-point win for the Cardinals. Cards 31, Redhawks 16

15. Michigan State (Bye)- State controls its own destiny and can somehow earn a berth to the Rose Bowl if they beat Penn State next week. So that means the illustrious BCS matchup in Pasadena could pit Michigan State against Oregon State. Fucking riveting.

16. North Carolina (at Maryland)- One ESPN columnist said the Heels deserve a BCS matchup more than Utah. I don't have a rebuttal. Just this: You are a fucking idiot. Terps 27, Heels 24

17. BYU (at Air Force)- BYU doesn't like fun. So I don't like them. Falcs 31, Cougs 27

18. TCU (Bye)- Some poor Pac-10 team is gonna get the shit beat out of them in the Las Vegas bowl.

19. Florida State (BC)- The Seminoles are gonna have to earn some scalps in the coming weeks. First the Eagles, then the Terps, then the Gators. The good news? I can make fart noises with my mouth. Seminoles 24, Eagles 23

20. LSU (Troy)- Where is Ryan Perriloux when you need him? Tigers- A lot, Trojans- A little.

21. Pitt (at Cincinnati)-Sadly enough, this game might decide another BCS berth. Fuck this year. That is, unless Utah somehow lucks out and draws one of these shitbirds.

22. Cincinnati (Pitt>- Cincy should sneak away with the win. Bearcats 20, Panthers 13

23. Tulsa (at Houston)- The Hurricane screwed the pooch. Now they're playing for the rights to go to the Meineke Who Gives a Shit Bowl. Golden Hurricane 38, Cougs 24

24. Wake Forest (at NC State)- It looks like I'm done here. Pack 14, Deacs 13

25. South Carolina (at Florida)- What do you tell a team before playing the Gators? I would tell them to stock up on KY, cuz it's gonna hurt.

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last Week: 9-5
Against-the-spread: 3-10
Season Total: 84-46
ATS Season: 70-54
Lock-of-the-Week: 4-4
I don't deserve to analyze after last week's disaster.
Denver(4-4) at Cleveland(3-5) -3.5
Browns 15, Broncs 10
New Orleans(4-4) at Atlanta(5-3) -1
Falcons 20, Saints 12
Tennessee(8-0) at Chicago(5-3) +3
Upset Special #1: Bears 26, Titans 22
Jacksonville(3-5) at Detroit(0-8)+6.5
Jags 16, Loins 3
Seattle(2-6) at Miami(4-4) -8.5
Phins 14, Hawks 8
Green Bay(4-4) at Minnesota(4-4) -2
Upset Special #2: Pack 35, Vikes 31
Buffalo(5-3) at New England(5-3) -3.5
Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Pats 36, Bills 24
St. Louis(2-6) at NY Jets(5-3) -8.5
Jets 36, Rams 21
Baltimore(5-3) at Houston(3-5) +1
Ravens 27, Texans 24
Carolina(6-2) at Oakland(2-6) +9.5
Panthers 31, Raiders 22
Indianapolis(4-4) at Pittsburgh(6-2) NL
Steelers 34, Colts 26
Kansas City(1-7) at San Diego(3-5) -15
Bolts 27, Chefs 10
NY Giants(7-1) at Philadelphia(5-3) -3
Eagles 17, Giants 16
San Francisco(2-6) at Arizona(5-3) -9.5
Cards 24, Niners 14

NFL picks (if season ended right now)

Since everyone's talking about my BCS college football picks, I'm going to go ahead and deliver NFL playoff predictions as well. These are based on if the season ended today. Mad ups to the CBS people for actually doing the legwork so I can deliver my witty banter. Let's get it on:

First round

Byes
1-Titans
2-Steelers

3-Jets
6-Patriots

Uh, will Tom Brady be back? Who am I kidding, he might not be back for the start of '09. Then again, Saint Favre/brats/cheese curds hasn't really been lighting it up with the Jets. They've been winning, in Packers fashion from last season -- with Favre-ruh playing ball control. Screw it, I'm going Pats. They'd find a way.
Patriots 20, Jets 16

4-Broncos
5-Ravens

It's gunslinger Jay Cutler vs. Ray Lewis' killer defense. Aside from that late rally against the awful Browns (and their shitty CB that couldn't cover a retard), the Broncos have been on the downswing. The Ravens wouldn't be putting up a lot of points, but they wouldn't need 'em.
Ravens 16, Broncos 13

Byes
1-Giants
2-Panthers

3-Cardinals
6-Redskins

The 'Skins can and usually will grind it out with anyone (Steelers not included), and the Cards are the default winner of an awful division. The Cards are a nice story and all with a stout offense, but the 'Skins would grind this one out.
Redskins 23, Cardinals 19

4-Bears
5-Buccaneers

Sorry, but why is Rex Grossman still alive. I don't care if he was a Super Bowl (losing) QB. If Kyle Orton is in there, the Bears have a chance. If not, a rookie RB and a crop of crap WRs aren't gonna get it done. Either way, it'll be tough to get much vs. the Bucs. The Bucs, with the emergence of Antonio Bryant, just have more firepower.
Bucs 17, Bears 10

Conference semis (re-seeding)

Pats vs. Titans
Still not convinced the Titans are that good. They're winning ugly, which is all you really need to do. But that catches up to you in the playoffs. At least against a playoff-tested team.
Pats 22, Titans 13

Ravens vs. Steelers
The Steelers dominated the 'Skins despite losing Big Ben. That's how good they are. If they can do that against the 'Skins, they can find a way to win against a rookie QB.
Steelers 17, Ravens 7

Redskins vs. Giants
NFC East battle in the 2nd round. This would be a good ol' fashioned slobberknocker. Actually not really. Eli and the Giants have too many weapons. I mean, Plax has been nonexistent this season and they haven't missed him. Their running game alone wears teams down, and wuss Eli Manning just has to complete a couple passes. Done.
Giants 27, Redskins 13

Bucs vs. Panthers
Another interdivisional contest. What the hell is going on here? Well, I'll tell you what's going on: a Panthers beatdown. They're playing some of their best ball with Steve Smith back on his game and the two-headed attack of Jonathan Stewart/DeAngelo Williams.
Panthers 30, Bucs 21

Conference title games

Pats vs. Steelers
The Pats can't make it to the Super Bowl without Brady. Just not gonna happen. They'd be lucky to get this far with Matt Cassel. This is where it ends. Caveat: Big Ben has to be healthy. Byron Leftwich isn't getting them this far.
Steelers 17, Pats 14

Panthers vs. Giants
Trying to think of a good reason the Panthers will knock off the Giants here. Let's just say Eli will throw three picks and Steve Smith breaks a couple of big plays. Yeah, I like how that sounds.
Panthers 26, Giants 17

Super Bowl

Panthers vs. Steelers
The Panthers' run ends here and Big Ben gets his second title. At least in my fantasy world. If these two do play it'll probably be a boring Super Bowl. And we'll get lots of Jerome Bettis thrown at us. Enjoy.
Steelers 23, Panthers 9

College predictions

Rory totally wants me to blow BJ and, considering how he keeps coming through in the clutch and keeping the Utes undefeated, I might just have to do the dirty deed.

A thrilling win for the Utes keeps them undefeated at 10-0 and still getting no respect from the national media. We get it voters. All you want to see are big stats and bright flashy colors. Just don't you dare vote those haters from Boise into a BCS game ahead of Utah. They play shit teams week-in and week-out. I realize this is the same argument many use for the Utes, but Utah will have beaten Michigan at The Big House, Oregon State, TCU and BYU. I think that's a step up from Oregon, Fresno State and Hawaii, don't you?

Speaking of good non-BCS teams, I heard something from Tony Kornheiser last week that almost made me shit myself. In talking about the validity of Utah and TCU, Kornheiser said that if those teams wanted to compete in a BCS bowl game, they should just get accepted to a BCS conference. Umm...okay...where can I find a Pac-10 application form there Tony?

Anyways, that's my rant and here are my picks for the week:

1. Alabama (at LSU)- Everybody is picking LSU here, but the Tigers have played like shit in big games this year. Nope, the Tide keeps rolling for its coach in a brawl. Bama 24, LSU 21

2. Texas Tech (Oklahoma State)- Is this the week Harrell and Co. come crashing down? The experts say yes, but when have they ever been right? Tech 34, OSU 28

3. Penn State (at Iowa)- Can the Fighting JoePas keep it up against a unheralded Iowa team? The answer lies in the Hawkeyes' D and Shonn Greene's legs. Lions 35, 'Eyes 20

4. Texas (Baylor)- Horns have a gimme this week before taking on Mangyna and the Jayhawks. Horns 54, Bears 1

5. Florida (at Vanderbilt)- Urban has his boys playing like freaks right now and I have trouble seeing how some preps who scored 1400 on their SATs are going to take them out. Gators 42, Commodores 14

6. Oklahoma (at Texas A&M)- Coach Sherman has his hands full. Sooners 56, Aggies 27

7. USC (California)- The Condoms will skate through the remainder of their season on reputation and a patsy schedule. God, I wish Utah played in the Pac-10 this year. Profs 48, Bears 28

8. Utah (TCU)- This is gonna be a tough one for Utah, but I see them pulling it out on a late Brian Johnson-led drive. Utes 13, Horned Frogs 10

9. Oklahoma State (at Texas Tech)- A win would vault the Cowboys back into the thick of the BCS.

10. Boise State (Utah State)- Common opponent with Utah. Okay, so that means the Broncs need to win by more than 48 points to legitimize their claims. Broncs 42, State 28

11. Ohio State (at Northwestern)- The Buckeyes are still in the mix for the Rose Bowl. Buckeyes 28, Cats 21

12. TCU (at Utah)- That kicker has to be feeling like shit right now.

13. Georgia (at Kentucky)- The Bulldogs lost by 39 points last week and only dropped six spots. This is stupid. Dogs 42, Cats 34

14. Missouri (Kansas State)- The Tigers got a scare against Baylor a week ago. Daniel and Co. need a solid finish if they are to play for a BCS berth against the Big-12 South winner. Tigers 32, Wildcats 28

15. BYU (SDSU)- Randall Brown would be proud. Cougs 62, Aztecs 13

16. LSU (Alabama)- Even with a win here, the Tigers are going to need some help down the road if they are to get to the SEC title game.

17. Ball State (Northern Illinois)- Apparently, Ball State already played. I guess I missed it. Cardinals 45, Huskies 14

18. Michigan State (Purdue)- As absurd as it sounds, the Spartans can make the BCS if they win out. Granted they won't win out (they play the Boilermakers at home, then go on the road to Penn State), but it's still a nice little snippet. Makers of Boil 22, State 21

19. North Carolina (Georgia Tech)- The Heels are a sham and Paul Johnson is going to expose them this week. Jackets 28, Heels 24

20. Georgia Tech (North Carolina)- The Jackets are going to be my pick in the ACC for as long as Johnson is there.

21. Cal (USC)- It's sad that this is as tough as it's going to get for the Trojans.

22. Florida State (Clemson)- The Noles need to start picking up some speed for their showdown with Urban's posse. Noles 35, Tigers 28

23. Maryland (Virginia Tech)- Let's be honest. The Terps aren't worth a shit. They somehow worked their way into the polls by beating illegitimate, bottom-wrung Top-25 teams and know it's catching up to them.

24. Northwestern (Ohio State)- I used to think Northwestern was a school where smart people go. Then Shaun Johnson got in.

25. West Virginia (Cincinnati)- Pat White and the Mountaineers control their own fate in the run for a BCS berth. Volunteers 35, Bearcats 21

BCS picks

OK, let's try this on. Now that the BCS is releasing its rankings every week, let's project the various BCS bowl games and, for pickled shits, what the world would be like if we had a college football playoff. Let the fun begin:

National title game: Penn State vs. Florida
The fighting JoePas will breeze into the title game thanks to a soft Big Ten (what the hell, Badgers?). At least they'll rid us all of another Ohio State embarrassment. Florida, meanwhile, is getting hot at the right time. The Gators will roll over Florida State in the season finale and a possible undefeated 'Bama in the SEC title game to make a jump in the polls. They'll have to fight off Oklahoma, which will have a similar jump after some tough late-season games.

Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Utah

Wishful thinking, probably, but Utah is golden as long as it can win out. If Utah isn't here then it'll be Boise State/BYU. If Utah falls this spot will likely go to Boise State, but BYU might even get enough of a jump after Utah beat TCU if it can beat Utah in the season finale. Will it be enough to bump Boise? Oklahoma has a brutal late-season sked, with games against Texas Tech, Oklahoma St. and then the Big 12 title game, if the Sooners get there.

Orange Bowl: Florida St. vs. Texas Tech
That's what I hate about these crap conference tie-ins. You've got better games out there and available that just won't ever happen. But you've gotta accommodate the crappy ACC/Big East winners. Bogus. And we won't be lucky enough to see Texas Tech vs. Alabama and Florida St. vs. West Virginia because then the bowl that hosts the latter would bitch. One more reason for a playoff.

Rose Bowl: USC vs. Texas

Who wouldn't want to see a rematch of the Vince Young/Bush-Leinart classic, sans those key players? Texas is one play from being in the national title game, but will be shut out of the Big 12 title game. But you can't shut them out of the BCS. With Penn State going to the title game, the Buckeyes may want a rematch. But it won't happen, thankfully. Ohio State is screwed in that respect, but then again it should have beaten Penn State.

Sugar Bowl: Alabama vs. West Virginia
I mean, really, who cares. Alabama will win, in ugly SEC fashion, a dominant win with something like a 24-10 final, and I know I won't be watching. Then we'll all whine that the system stinks, it sucks.



Playoff style (six conference winners plus two at-large teams):



1-Penn St.
8-West Virginia

4-USC
5-Alabama

3-Oklahoma
6-Florida St.

2-Florida
7-Utah

Semis:
Penn St
USC

Oklahoma
Florida

Final:

USC
Florida

Champ:
Florida

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 10-4
Against-the-Spread: 6-6
Season Total: 75-41
Season ATS: 67-44
The bookies finally got their shit together last week. Expect more of the same.
NY Jets(4-3) at Buffalo(5-2) -5
Bills 23, Jets 14
Detroit(0-7) at Chicago(4-3) -12.5
Bears 45, Loins 24
Jacksonville(3-4) at Cincinnati(0-8) +7.5
Jags 38, Bengals 24
Baltimore(4-3) at Cleveland(3-4) -2
Browns 27, Ravens 24
Green Bay(4-3) at Tennessee(7-0) -4.5
Titans 27, Pack 14
Tampa Bay(5-3) at Kansas City(1-6) +9.5
Buccs 20, Chefs 8
Arizona(4-3) at St. Louis(2-5) +3
Cards 24, Rams 15
Houston(3-4) at Minnesota(3-4) -5
Vikes 24, Texans 17
Miami(3-4) at Denver(4-3) -4
Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Broncs 38, Phins 24
Atlanta(4-3) at Oakland(2-5) +3
Falcons 36, Raiders 33
Dallas(5-3) at NY Giants(6-1) -9
Giants 36, Cowboys 29
Philadelphis(4-3) at Seattle(2-5) +7
Eagles 22, Hawks 20
New England(5-2) at Indianapolis(3-4) -6.5
Colts 19, Pats 16
Pittsburgh(5-2) at Washington(6-2) -2
Washington 39, Steelers 29
Later.

Fuck It, We'll Do It Live

By Awesome

1. Texas (at Texas Tech)- Ahh, November-the month when the BCS really starts fucking up college football. This game obviously has some serious implications. Texas wins, and it takes another step towards the title game. Tech wins, the BCS is thrown into a shit storm. Call me a one-balled leper, but I'm gonna take Harrell and Crabtree in an upset. Raiders 45, Longhorns 42

2. Alabama (Arkansas State)- Really? Tide 100, ? 0.

3. Penn State (bye)- Everybody says Penn State is a lock for the BCS title game if Joe Pa takes his team undefeated. Why? If Texas and Alabama are undefeated themselves after the season, they more than deserve a title shot. The Lions, if undefeated, might too, but with the present system, it would be absurd to abscond from pitting the Tide and Horns against one another.

4. Oklahoma (Nebraska)- The Sooners had their chance at perfection. Now they have to hope for something miracu...ummm...well, normal. Sooners 42, Huskers 28

5. USC (Washington)- Cue the obligatory Halloween cliche. The Trojans got tricked by Will Ferrell yesterday. Now they get the treat of facing Washington. Trojans 58, Huskies 17

6. Georgia (Florida)- My retarded 'roided-up roommate is a huge Bulldog fan. Here's hoping the Gators shut him the fuck up about his 'prediction' about Georgia making the title game. Gators 38, Bulldogs 35

7. Texas Tech (Texas)-Everybody I know is taking the Horns...

8. Florida (Georgia)- I'm sure Urban has something up his sleeve for the Bulldogs...

9. Oklahoma State (Iowa State)- The Cowboys get reprieve before facing Tech and Oklahoma down the stretch. Cowboys 35, Cyclones 14

10. Utah (at New Mexico)- This has let down written all over it. The Utes always struggle in Albuquerque. Realistically though, if Utah can't beat a shit New Mexico team, they don't deserve to be in the BCS. Utes 35, Lobos 28

11. Boise State (at New Mexico State)- The Broncs have to hope for the Utes to lose. BSU 35, Aggies 21

12. Ohio State (bye)- The once-lauded Buckeyes may have fallen from grace, but will still get an obligatory BCS game this year thanks to their rep.

13. TCU (at UNLV)- Patterson says he isn't looking past the Rebels to Utah...I call bullshit. Frogs 28, Rebels 17

14. Missouri (at Baylor)- The Tigers face a patsy schedule for the remainder of the regular season, but may have a chance to redeem themselves in the Big-12 Championship Game. Tigers 42, Bears 13

15. Florida State (at Georgia Tech)- I have a feeling the Bowden and Co. are going to have a tough time handling Paul Johnson's option offense. They haven't faced anything like it in a long time. Jackets 24, Seminoles 21

16. Ball State (Northern Illinois)- The only thing the Cardinals can do is keep rolling. Ball State 45, NIU 34

17. Minnesota (Northwestern)- The Gophers could press the Nittany Lions for the top spot in the Big Ten. Three of their four remaining games are at home. Gophers 24, Wildcats 23

18. Tulsa (at Arkansas)- The Golden Hurricane won't prove a lot with a win over the Razorbacks, seeing as how Arkansas may very well be a C-USA team this year, but a blowout will prove it is worthy of its ranking. Hurricane 38, Razorbacks 25

19. LSU (Tulane)- God only knows what the Green Wave Athletic Director was thinking before he lined up this game. Maybe he thought his team would be worth a damn in 2008-09...wishful thinking. Tigers 52, Wave 14

20. BYU (at Colorado State)- The Cougars looked like a bunch of pussies last week against UNLV, but I have no doubt they'll rebound this week. Pussies 42, Rams 21

21. Michigan State (Wisconsin)- Ringer carried the Spartans in their second-half comeback against the Wolverines, but MSU won't be able to beat the Badgers as their own game-old school ball. Badgers 24, Spartans 21

22. North Carolina (bye)- Basketball reigns king again.

23. South Florida (Cincinnati)- The Bulls' evidential downfall keeps gaining depth.

24. Oregon (at California)- Who plays quarterback for Nike U. now? Cal 23, Oregon 21

25. UCONN (West Virginia)- The Huskies can prove alot with a win, seeing as how they have yet to beat a decent team. Mountaineers 31, Huskies 28

Spiral Notes

Spiral Notes
By Jeremy
Last week: 9-5
Season total: 64-37
Against-the-spread: 9-5
Season ATS: 61-38
Lock-of-the-Week: 4-3
I’m back. After a week in karma’s shit-house, I got back on track.
Tampa Bay(5-2) at Dallas(4-3) NL
Still no line on this game. A bummer for problem gamblers like myself. Cowboys 28, Buccs 27
Buffalo(5-1) at Miami(2-4) +2
So the Bills are 5-1 huh? They must be good or something. I call bullshit. Upset Special: Phins 32, Bills 31
San Diego(3-4) at New Orleans(3-4)(in London) +3.5
Both of these teams need a win or they’re douched. The Saints with be without Reggie Bush, so good luck with all that. Bolts 23, Saints 7
Atlanta(4-2) at Philadelphia(3-3) -9
The Eagles are due for a physical beatdown in a game they should win. Eagles 19, Falcons 8
Oakland(2-4) at Baltimore(3-3) -7
Much like last year, the Raiders are kinda spunky. Except for Al Davis. He is still Bernie from ‘Weekend at Bernies’. Keep proping up that head. Ravens 36, Raiders 21
Washington(5-2) at Detroit(0-6) +7.5
I know this tiny line is a response to Wash. choking against an undefeated team last week, but damn. Washington 13, Loins 3
St. Louis(2-4) at New England(4-2) -7
So apparently the Pats are pretty good. Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Pats 34, Rams 14
Kansas City(1-5) at NY Jets(3-3) -12.5
12 and a half? Really? Have they seen Brett Favre play over the past five years? Jets 23, Chefs 18
Arizona(4-2) at Carolina(5-2) -4.5
If the Cards could somehow win this, it would serve notice to the rest of the NFC that ‘hey! These guys aren’t a fucking joke like we all thought.’ Panthers 22, Cards 17
Cleveland(2-4) at Jacksonville(3-3) -7
For some reason, this is the least interesting game of the week to me. Jags 27, Browns 14
Seattle(1-5) at San Francisco(2-5) -4.5
Is Seneca Wallace still prominently involved? Niners 34, Hawks 27
Cincinnati(0-7) at Houston(2-4) -9.5
That’s a huge line for a not-that-great Houston team. Plus, everybody knows the Bengals will win at some point. Texans 38, Bengals 31
NY Giants(5-1) at Pittsburgh(5-1) -3
Anybody else notice how the NFC East went from great to shitty in a matter of two weeks? Well the Giants are probably still pretty good, just maybe not good enough to win in the ‘Burgh. Steelers 23, Giants 17
Indianapolis(3-3) at Tennessee(6-0) -4
All right, this is it. It really is. If the Titans can beat the Colts, that means the Peyton Manning-era has officially jumped the shark. I’ll be praying. Titans 35, Colts 20
Agree/Disagree? Don’t care.

Fuck It, We'll Do it College Then

By Codeman

So, it turns out I'm not worth a shit in the pro ranks. Ok. I can tell when I suck some massive J-Timbo donkey balls. I gave it a good run though and, truth be told, my record is still better than the majority of those fucking hacks on ESPN. But I guess they've earned the right by being bludgeoned stupid by 300-pound men for the majority of their lives.

Forget about it. I'm gonna go back to one of my true loves. No, not my hand. I'm talking about college football. I'm gonna give my Top-25 picks for the remaining weeks of the season. This will also allow time for me to give other ruminating commentary bits...which I'm sure you guys are just dying for.
Without further ado:
1. Texas (vs. No. 6 Oklahoma State): Yeah...we fucking get it, the Big-12 is good this year. But not they're not thatgood. The Cowboys have won one legitimate game this year...and they're going to get rolled up and smoked like Coffee Shop Dave's finest this week. Longhorns 42, Cowboys 14

2. Alabama (at Tennessee): Frankly, I have no idea how Fulmer's squads have ever warranted a Top-25 ranking. Tide 45, Vols 21

3. Penn State (at No. 9 Ohio State): Here's a differing opinion: Both of these teams are quality and deserve to make a BCS game. Yeah, you heard me right. Put them against one of those glorified Big-12 teams in a BCS game. I fucking dare you. Lions 27, Buckeyes 23

4. Oklahoma (at Kansas State): To Sooner faithful, Sam Bradford might as well be the second coming of Kenny Chesney. Sooners 63, Wildcats 21

5. USC (at Arizona): I absolutely hate that the media is building this up as a tough game for the Trojans. Trojans 45, Pussies 24

6. Oklahoma State (at Texas): This team has no place in the Top-10...ever.

7. Georgia (at No. 13 LSU): I have a 'roided up roommate that is somehow under the illusion that the Bulldogs are going to make the national championship this season. But I'm not a retard like him...at least, I don't think so. Tigers 23, Dogs 20

8. Texas Tech (at No. 23 Kansas): The Red Raiders are going to meet their maker soon enough...but not this week. Raiders 56, Jayhawks 48

9. Ohio State (Penn State): Pryor has some work to do to keep up with the Nittany Lions' O.

10. Florida (Kentucky): If Andre Woodson graduated, why are the Wildcats 5-2? They must be confused. Gators 42, Cats 28

11. Utah: Using a much-deserved bye week. You know what sucks? An Ohio State, Penn State, LSU or Georgia loss really wouldn't do too much for the Utes. They need that and seven different flavors of other shit to happen to move up the ranks.

12. Boise State (San Jose State): I'm not going to lie. This game was well over before I started writing it, but I promise I was gonna pick the Broncos. Why the fuck wouldn't I? Broncs 35, Spartans 21

13. LSU (No. 7 Georgia): The SEC is getting more press than it deserves this year.

14. TCU (Wyoming): The Frogs can help their own case by beating the shit out of every team left on their schedule. So...do it, Horned Frogs...Do it! Frogs 52, Cowboys 24

15. Missouri (Colorado): Looks like a great quarterback can't make up for 20 other shit starters (Maclin is ok). Buffaloes 24, Tigers 23

16. South Florida (at Louisville): I have no idea how the Bulls got such a great reputation. One decent pass rusher and...poof!...top-10 ranking. I fucking hate rankings. Bulls 24, Cardinals 2

17. Pittsburgh (Rutgers): I've never seen a team fall off faster than Rutgers. Panthers 27, Knights 14

18.Georgia Tech (Virginia): Either way, this game is gonna be close. Jackets 23, Cavaliers 20 OT

19. Tulsa (Central Florida): Despite being a proponent of non-BCS schools, it's hard to say the Hurricane belong in BCS game talks. They're so fucking small-time it's ridiculous. It's alright though because they know how to score points. Hurricane 56, Knights 34

20. Ball State (Eastern Michigan): The Cardinals can't do anything but win their games. Too bad an undefeated season won't be worth shit to them in December. Cardinals 42, Eagles 20

21. BYU (UNLV): The Cougars' season is in a downward spiral now. So help them Joseph Smith, they better figure their shit out quick. Cougs 42, Rebels 23

22. Northwestern (at Indiana): Northwestern? How the fuck did they get in there? That must be a typo. Wildcats 32, Hoosiers 25

23. Kansas (Texas Tech): The Fat-ass J's can prove a lot this week with a win, but I just can't see it happening.

24. Minnesota (at Purdue): I can't see the Gophers sneaking by the Boilermakers. For Christ's sake, they make Boilers!!! Purdue 45, Gophers 34

25. Florida State (Virginia Tech): This is gonna be a close one. Hokies 28, Seminoles 27


I'll leave you with some of Ted Dibiase's brilliance:

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy Last week: 6-8
Season total: 56-32
Against-the-Spread: 5-8
Season ATS: 52-33
I suck-dot-com. Finally all my shit talk caught up with me and the karma-gods bitch slapped me. Whatever.
San Diego(3-3) at Buffalo(4-1) pick 'em
Bold prediction: San Diego at Tennesse in AFC Title game. Bolts 21, Bills 17
Minnesota(3-3) at Chicago(3-3) -3.5
The Bears are going to win this awful division. Bears 33, Vikes 25
Pittsburgh(4-1) at Cincinnati(0-6) +9.5
Rivalry games are always supposed to be close, aren't they. Steelers 37, Bengals 21
Tennessee(5-0) at Kansas City(1-4) +9
Say what you want about the Titans and their drunk old quarterback, that is a good-ass team. Titans 20, Chefs 10
Dallas(4-2) at St. Louis(1-4) +7
The Cowboys set the record this week for the most people in history giving up on a 4-and-2 team. They still have some good players I think. Cowboys 33, Rams 24
Baltimore(2-3) at Miami(2-3) -3
I love the Wildcat Offense, but if the Chargers did it they could run it with Eric Weddle, just like it was designed. Phins 20, Ravens 18
San Francisco(2-4) at NY Giants(4-1) -10.5
The Giants will bounce after taking a big dump on the field last Monday. Giants 34, Niners 21
New Orleans(3-3) at Carolina(4-2) -3
NO has to actually start winning some of these showdown games if they want to be around come playoff time. Panthers 27, Saints 23
Detroit(0-5) at Houston(1-4) -9.5
The 1-4 Texans are nine and a half point favorites? Really? Texans 35, Loins 28
NY Jets(3-2) at Oakland(1-4) +3.5
Pretty much every addicted gambler in the world is picking the Jets in this game. And you know what that means, the casinos are about to get richer. Jets 27, Raiders 24
Indianapolis(3-2) at Green Bay(3-3) +2
What did I tell you about Peyton Manning? Why do I get the feeling already that he's gonna find a way to screw up my earlier AFC Title game prediction? Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Colts 27, Pack 18
Cleveland(2-3) at Washington(4-2) -7.5
Washington can't play that bad and Cleveland can't play that good. At least not two weeks in a row. Washington 38, Browns 24
Seattle(1-4) at Tampa Bay(4-2) -10.5
So Seattle is counting on Seneca Wallace to save their season. Good luck with all that. Buccs 27, Hawks 14
Denver(4-2) at New England(3-2) -3
The Pats aren't perfect, and they are just a shell of what they were last year. But I'm still not counting them out, at least not yet. Pats 13, Broncs 6
Agree/Disagree? Whatever

Fuck it, We'll Do It Live

Last week: 7-7
Season total: 53-36
ATS: 5-9
Season ATS: 47-41

Last week was unimpressive, but there were a lot of upsets so cut me some fucking slack, alright? I'm gonna keep this brief due to library time constraints...and the fact that I know live four blocks away from the beach and don't want to waste a Saturday afternoon.

Tennessee(5-0) at Kansas City(1-4)+9
I'm still not entirely convinced the Titans are good, but they're definitely better than the Chiefs. Titans 17, Chiefs 13

San Diego(3-3) at Buffalo(4-1)NL
The Muffaloes snuck through an easy schedule early, but will be exposed when they hit the meat of their schedule. It starts this week. Bolts 31, Buffaloes 24

Pittsburgh(4-1) at Cincinnati(0-6)+10
Chad Johnson made an attempt to get back in the Bengals' gameplan this week by taking responsibility for his 'diva' comments before the season. Come on, Chad. You're one of the only players that's actually forthright with his thinking. Don't run away from your feelings. Steelers 20, Bengals 16

Baltimore(2-3) at Miami(3-3)-3
These wildcat formation shenanigans are gonna stop working sooner or later. Not this week though. God, McGahee sucks. Phins 22, Ravens 17

Dallas(4-2) at St. Louis(1-4)NL
Vegas doesn't want to put a line on this game thanks to Romo's pulled gyne. Pussies. Cowboys 24, Rams 23

Minnesota(3-3) at Chicago(3-3)-3
AP won't be able to run. Whoever is passing for the Vikes won't be able to pass. The Bears can't decide how good they are this year. Fuck. Bears 12, Vikes 7

New Orleans(3-3) at Carolina(4-2)-3
The Aints put on a show last week, but it was against the Raiders. Let's see how he does against a defense that's usually worth a damn. Saints 28, Panthers 27

San Francisco(2-4) at New York Giants(4-1)-10.5
The Giants are finally down from their euphoric Super Bowl high and announcers have stopped blowing Eli Manning. Thank God. Giants 31, 49ers 20

Detroit(0-5) at Houston(1-4)-9.5
No. Texans 32, Detroit 25

New York Jets(3-2) at Oakland(1-4)+3
Favre is lighting it up and Al Davis is single-handedly running Oakland into a giant pile of shit. He really needs to just keel over already. Jets 28, Oakland 15

Cleveland(2-3) at Washington(4-2)-7.5
Washington is going to want to get into the win column and the Browns will oblige. They already met this season's quota of upsets with last week's win over the Giants. Redskins 28, Browns 24

Indianapolis(3-2) at Green Bay(3-3)+2
The Pack may not be back yet, but at least they're in a division where 8-8 could get them to the playoffs. Colts 28, Pack 21

Seattle(1-4) at Tampa Bay(4-2)-11
The Seahawks are awful, but Seneca Wallace will at least make this game respectable. I know because I used to play with him in Madden. I'd stock up on all the other positions, then take him in the 43rd or so round and run around with him. Anyways, he'll make it respectable. And by that I mean they won't lose by 40. Bucs 34, Seahawks 14

Denver(4-2) at New England(3-2)-3
I'm sure Kraft and Belichick have already written this season off. Broncs 28, Pats 27

And here's a little something for the kiddies:

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 9-5
Season Total: 50-24
Against-the-Spread: 7-5
Season ATS: 47-25
Lock-of-the-Week: 4-1
I continue to dominate. My worst week of the year against the number, and I still finish 7-5. You might want to start planning my wing in Canton right now.
Baltimore(2-2) at Indianapolis(2-2)-5
I am enjoying the whole Colts suck era. But it just can’t last, can it? Peyton Manning couldn’t have his deal with the devil expire the same year as Tom Brady, could he? Colts 29, Ravens 17
Oakland(1-3) at New Orleans(2-3)-7.5
The Raiders have had two weeks to deal with a coaching change. One problem remains: they’re still the Raiders, and they’re still owned by Al ‘Bernie in Weekend at Bernie’s’ Davis. Saints 25, Raiders 21
Chicago(3-2) at Atlanta(3-2)+3
A very interesting NFC showdown. Are the Falcons for real? Is Kyle Orton for real? How many question marks can I include in one column. Bears 16, Falcons 15
St. Louis(0-4) at Washington(4-1)-13.5
Many NFL-types are listing Washington as the best team in the league. I still go with Tennessee, but the Zorn-stars are climbing fast. Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Washington(-13.5) 41, Rams 18
Detroit(0-4) at Minnesota(2-3)-13.5
Its fun to dislike the Lions, but at some point, its kinda like repeatedly kicking a guy you’ve already beaten to death. Where’s the fun in that? Vikes 33, Loins 23
Cincinnati(0-5) at NY Jets(2-2)-6
Brett Favre is leading the league in passer rating. Which just goes to show, Ted Thompson is the leading asshole in the state. Jets 24, Bengals 17
Carolina(4-1) at Tampa Bay(3-2)-1.5
This is one of those head-scratching lines. The Buccs favored against the Panthers, with a questionable QB situation? That means gamblers everywhere are about to take a bath. Buccs 17, Panthers 12
Miami(2-2) at Houston(0-4)-3
Who knows in this game? The Phins can’t run the Eric Weddle offense to victory in three straight, can they? Texans 25, Phish 19(OT)
Jacksonville(2-3) at Denver(4-1)-3.5
The Jags are in trouble. They are falling further behind the Titans as the season goes. A couple more losses, and they could be in danger of missing the wild-card as well. Broncs 31, Jags 22
Green Bay(2-3) at Seattle(1-3)-2
This is how much I believe in Aaron Rodgers. Even without Hasselbeck: Hawks 17, Pack 15
Philadelphia(2-3) at San Francisco(2-3)+5
The Eagles went from being a top-five team in the league(week one), to a top-five most overrated team. Upset Special #1: Niners 14, Eagles 12
Dallas(4-1) at Arizona(3-2)+6
Tony Romo may be banging Jessica Simpson, but he’s still T.O.’s bitch. As long as he understands that, everything is cool. Cowboys 37, Cards 27
New England(3-1) at San Diego(2-3)-6
You’re really going to bet against Bellichick, against Norv Turner, with a bye-week to prepare? Upset Special #2: Pats 34, Bolts 33
NY Giants(4-0) at Cleveland(1-3)+8
This is a mismatch in every possible category. The only place the Browns have an edge in is the most roided-up player(Brady Quinn). Giants 17, Browns 6

Fuck It, We'll Do It Live

Last week: 9-5
Season total: 46-29
ATS: 8-4
Season ATS: 42-32

Looks like I got my groove back, Stella. I would have done even better but two games (Tampa-Denver, Tennessee-Baltimore) nailed the spread right on the head. It's almost like those bastard oddsmakers know what they're doing.
Overall, it was a good week of football. The Cardinals finally exposed the Bills for who they really are, which is a fucking joke (you have to be a joke to lose to the Cards). The Chargers found a way to legitimize the Dolphins. Carolina, Chicago and the New York Giants all kicked ass. Meanwhile, our beloved Packers screwed the pooch, somehow losing to the Falcons at home. Although I'd love to, I can't even blame it on Aaron Rodgers. So instead, I'm going to put it on fucking asshat Ted Thompson. God, I hope he gets the shaft, both metaphorically—in relation to his job—and quite literally.
There aren't too many games worth watching this week. Don't watch.


Oakland (1-3) at New Orleans (2-3)-7.5
Two years later, Reggie Bush is finally paying dividends. He still isn't a factor in the running game (because he's a pusssaaayyy), but he leads the league with 38 receptions and is lighting it up on special teams. Still, his team is 2-3. They should get back to .500 this week, but probably won't look good doing it. Saints 27, Oakland 24

Baltimore (2-2) at Indianapolis (2-2)-5
The Colts look pathetic, but Manning has somehow willed them to two wins thus far. Indy better figure its shit out quick, because they face the Ravens, then at Green Bay, at Tennessee, New England and at Pittsburgh. This wouldn't be one of my columns if I didn't rag on that waste of space Willis McGahee. Fuck that guy. Colts 18, Ravens 14

Cincinnati (0-5) at New York Jets (2-2)-6
Well, what do you know? Favre currently leads the league in touchdown passes despite playing one game fewer than most of his competition. One thing is wrong with this picture though. He's only thrown four picks. I see him throwing at least a pair this week, but he'll overcome that with four touchdown passes. Jets 31, Cincinnati 28

Carolina (4-1) at Tampa Bay (3-2)-2
Two solid teams, two great defenses, two enigmatic coaches. So why don't I give a shit? It's tough to explain, but there are some teams that just don't interest me at all. Tampa Bay is one of those teams. I do enjoy watching Steve Smith, but that's not enough for me to tune in. Panthers 17, Bucs 16

Detroit (0-4) at Minnesota (2-3)-13.5
Who would have thought the Vikings could win without AP going off for 300 yards? No worries, he'll rebound this week. Vikings 38, Lions 10

Chicago (3-2) at Atlanta (3-2)+2.5
When a game between the Bears and the Falcons is the most intriguing of the week, you may want to catch up on your yard work...I'm talking to you Jeremy. That yard is filthy. Bears 17, Falcons 14

Miami (2-2) at Houston (0-4)-3
I can't tell you how uninterested I am in this game. I would rather play pick-up sticks with my butt cheeks than have to watch that shit. Stick pin needles in my cock hole. Run backwards through a cornfield. I think you get the hint. Dolphins 28, Texans 24

St. Louis (0-4) at Washington (4-1)-13.5
I have no idea what's going on with Washington, but I like it. Portis is running around defenders again, the defense is stout and Jason Campbell is playing like someone other than Jason Campbell. The Skins keep finding a way to get wins, squeaking out six, two, seven and five-point victories over the past four weeks. Meanwhile, the Rams have lost by an average of 26 points per week. Ouch. Skins 35, Rams 14

Jacksonville (2-3) at Denver (4-1)-3.5
Living in Utah, I was constantly oversaturated with Broncos shit. I'm looking forward to not ever having to watch them again when I move to Cali. Still, Brandon Marshall is my new favorite felon and I love watching him. Denver's home record is spotless this season and I don't expect that to change this week against a mediocre Jacksonville team. Broncos 31, Jags 24

Philadelphia (2-3) at San Francisco (2-3)+6
I was confused when many of the 'experts' picked the Eagles to get to the Super Bowl in their pre-season predictions. Those predictions would probably be warranted if Philly played in the AFC, but they don't. In the harsh reality that is the NFC East, the Eagles will be lucky to get eight wins this season. Luckily for them, they're playing the Rams this week and not a division foe.

Dallas (4-1) at Arizona (3-2)-5.5
The Cards went a long ways towards legitimizing themselves in my eyes last week with a 41-17 shellacking of what is going to turn out to be a mediocre Buffalo team. Whisenhunt's gang can prove themselves a lot more than legitimate if they're able to topple the Cowboys this week. 'America's Team' can blow me. That is all. Cowboys 45, Cards 31

Green Bay (2-3) at Seattle (1-3)-3
Rodgers better buck the fuck up if he's going to appease Packers' fans the way his predecessor did. The whole he-may-or-may-not play bit is getting pretty old already. Just take some drugs like the rest of us you whiner. If Green Bay loses against Seattle, I may swear off this season. Pack 24, Seahawks 23

New England (3-1) at San Diego (2-3)-5.5
Thanks to a pathetic effort last week against the Dolphins, this game has gained a lot more meaning for the Chargers. Another loss and they're staring at what could be a three-game gap between them and Denver. That means that Rivers and Tomlinson need to step up and carry the team because the defense sure as shit isn't going to stop anybody. I don't even know what to say about the Pats. I can't tell whether they're good anymore. Chargers 34, Pats 28

New York Giants (4-0) at Cleveland (1-3)+9
Nobody is playing as good as Eli Manning right now. Fuck. I didn't just say that. --Waiting to be struck by a bolt of lightning-- Giants 42, Browns 28

Also, that homosexical Rory thinks I need to snaz these up a little bit so I included some funny celebrity blowups (I'm still realizing Bill O'Reilly's brilliance).
Alex Trebek-



Chris Berman-



Another brilliant one from Berman-



Good cock quote-

Fuck It, We'll Do It Live

By Cody

Last week: 7-9
Season total: 38-24
ATS: 7-9
Season ATS: 34-28

Fuck the NFL. The one week that I decide to make some bets and every team that I pick looks like one of the Jonah Brothers at a straight party—uninterested.
That week was pathetic. I’m blaming it on my shortened time at the library. No, it was my job switch. Or maybe I just blow. Yeah, it’s probably the latter.
Anyways, I’ve changed the title of this column until I pull my head out of my ass and once again make it competitive against that douche mongrol of a brother. It’s in honor of Bill O’Reilly, who freaked out while filming a daily show segment because the teleprompter wasn’t working properly.


Chicago(2-2) at Detroit(0-3)+3.5
Neither me, nor anybody else in the world knows how good the Bears actually are. The good news for them is that they don’t need to be that good to beat the Lions. Bears 17, Lions 13

San Diego(2-2) at Miami(1-2)+6.5
I was wondering when that direct snap to the running back shit would catch on in the NFL. It works for me all the time in College Football ’08 and Madden, why shouldn’t it work in the real thing? Now that the secret is out though, the Dolphins are screwed. Bolts 31, Phins 17

Washington(3-1) at Philadelphia(2-2)-5.5
The NFC East bandwagon is moving too fast for me to catch up, but I have been impressed with all four teams to this point. Chris “Pee Wee” Cooley’s junk exposure was just a prelude to the stir the Skins will create this season. McNabb and the Eagles, meanwhile, just may be the best 2-2 team on planet Earth. Eagles 27, Skins 24

Tennessee(4-0) at Baltimore(2-1)+3
My disdain for Willis McGahee can’t be explained in simple measurements, but if they could, I would say it’s at a 9.4. That guy sucks. This is just me venting because I end up with him year after year and he never does shit besides get hurt. Meanwhile, the Titans keep winning with a simple formula: Keep Vince Young away from the field. Titans 17, Ravens 13

Atlanta(2-2) at Green Bay(2-2)NL
The fact that there is no line on this game is embarrassing as a Packers fan. I told that motherfucker Ted Thompson to swallow his ego and retain Brett. Now where the fuck is the franchise? The Pack is 2-2 and its quarterback is out with a sprained vagina. Great. Thanks for fucking up my universe Thompson. Falcons 24, Pack 21

Seattle(1-2) at NY Giants(3-0)-7
Word has it that Plaxico Burress is a team cancer. How so? You don’t bench your best player because he doesn’t answer his phone immediately or tell you where he’s at on a Friday night. It’s professional football for shit’s sake! Get over yourself and put the best 11 guys on the field. You get paid to win games. He helps you win. Solution: LET HIM PLAY THE FUCKING GAME. Giants 27, Seahawks 12

Kansas City(1-3) at Carolina (3-1)-10
Hurray, the Chiefs finally got their first win! It won’t last. Panthers 28, Chiefs 14

Indianapolis(1-2) at Houston(0-3)+3.5
I, unlike my counterpart, can stand Peyton Manning. But he’s going to need some help if the Colts are to make any sort of playoff run. Luckily for the Colts, he won’t need much help against the Titans. Colts 27, Texans 21

Tampa Bay(3-1) at Denver(3-1)-3
I get the feeling the Broncos just aren’t that good. I’ll admit this seems like an obvious statement following their loss to the Chiefs, but I really don’t think they are going anywhere. Sure, their offense can put up big numbers, but you have to have more than just one shutdown corner on defense to win games in the NFL. Or do you? Broncos 35, Bucs 34

Buffalo(4-0) at Arizona(2-2)NL
This is probably the most intriguing game of the week. Are the Bills for real? Does beating the Cardinals actually make them for real? Am I going anywhere with this? Yup. At least I think so. The Bills aren’t an upper-echelon team until they take on somebody that’s worth a damn. And no Cardinals fans, Arizona is not worth a damn. Bills 31, Cards 27

Cincinnati(0-4) at Dallas(3-1)-17.5
Really? Eighteen points? I don’t care how shitty the Bengals are. It’s still the NFL, where (cue the drab announcer voice) “Any team can beat any other team on any given Sunday.” The Bengals have been bad, I’ll be the first to admit. But their losses have been by 7, 17, 3 and 8. They’ve been in games, they just haven’t pulled it out late. And they won’t this week. Cowboys 42, Bengals 28

New England (2-1) at San Francisco(2-2)+3.5
The last time the Pats played, I picked them to win by 31 points. How did they repay me? They lost to the lowly Dolphins by 25 points in Foxsboro. That means I missed my pick by 56 points. That’s got to be some sort of a record. Still, I can’t see the Niners beating them. Pats 21, 49ers 17

Pittsburgh(3-1) at Jacksonville(2-2)-4
The Steelers are more banged up than Paris Hilton (OHHHH, ZING) and it’s not going to get any better against the Jags. Mewelde “Who the fuck is this guy” Moore and Najeh “I will shit in your closet” Davenport are splitting carries with Willie Parker and Rashad Mendenhall out. Uh oh. Jags 27, Steelers 24

Minnesota(1-3) at New Orleans(2-2)-3
Jer called it. This is one of the more intriguing games if for no other reason than how underachieving both teams are this year. Everybody keeps saying how great Drew Brees is playing, but his team is 2-2. Everybody rants and raves about AP, but his team has won only one game thus far. Time for somebody to step up and make up for the bevy of holes on each team. Saints 31, Vikings 27

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 8-5
Season total: 41-19
Against the spread: 9-4
Season ATS: 40-20
Lock-of-the-Week: 3-1
Its downer-time. In honor of the now-deceased Paul Newman, I am bringing you the picks this week all with a complimentary Slap Shot quote. But his salad dressing still sucks ass.
Chicago(2-2) at Detroit(0-3)+3.5
"Fucking machine took my quarter"
To Lion fans, who’ve been ripped off for so many years in the Matt Millen era. Now he gets to leave town with buckets of cash, and they’re stuck with a god-awful team. Bears 22, Loins 17
San Diego(2-2) at Miami(1-2)+6.5
"Here’s to all that gorgeous snatch in FLA."
To the Chargers, live it up boys. I owe you for your unnecessary last-minute touchdown to make me some money. First round of Miami-whores is on me. Bolts 28, Phins 24
Washington(3-1) at Philadelphia(2-2)-5.5
"Come on down, we’ve got entertainment for the whole family."
This looks to be the most entertaining game of the week. The Washington racist-name- removed(s) are a spunky little team. They can dig a 14-0 hole and then dig out of it in no time. Upset Special: Washington 15, Eagles 14
Tennessee(4-0) at Baltimore(2-1)+3
"Too much. Too soon."
From all accounts, this is the story of Vince Young’s career. Titans 33, Ravens 25
Atlanta(2-2) at Green Bay(2-2)NL
"You take the car. I’ll keep the dog."
That is a direct quote from Ted Thompson speaking to Brett Favre this offseason. How’s that working out for you, Ted? Pack 19, Falcons 10
Seattle(1-2) at NY Giants(3-0)-7
"This is a god damn disgrace."
To the once proud Seattle Seahawks. Wow, so that’s what jumping the shark looks like in football. Giants 28, Hawks 16
Kansas City(1-3) at Carolina(3-1)-10
"Who own de Chiefs?" "Owns! Owns!"
To quote one of my new favorite movies(Sarah Marshall), ‘She has nice hair, I wonder if the drapes match her pubes?" In other words, this Slap Shot quote is totally unrelated, but since it actually says Chiefs, I figured it had to go with K.C. Panthers 28, Chefs 21
Indianapolis(1-2) at Houston(0-3)+3.5
"Worst goon in hockey today."
To Peyton Manning. Man that guy is a tool. But, because of this, I know he’ll somehow be involved at the end of the year in the playoffs. Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Colts 40, Texans 27
Tampa Bay(3-1) at Denver(3-1)-3
"Know a good bar here, the Palm Oil. Fucked the barmaid last trip."
To the Broncos. These guys are about to set the record for most 36-34 games in a season. They’ve got a great offense, and a horrendous defense. Plus being in Utah, we get to see them every week, so they have that familiar(banged her last trip) feel. Broncs 30, Buccs 22
Buffalo(4-0) at Arizona(2-2)Pick’em
"I’m listening to the fucking song."
To Bills fans. They just don’t want to hear about how they have one foot out the door towards Toronto. They don’t want to hear how their Bills have rode an easy schedule(Raiders and Rams, anyone) to their sparkly early record. They think they really are the shit. And who am I to stand in their way. Bills 20, Cards 17
Cincinnati(0-4) at Dallas(3-1)-17.5
"These guys are fucking retards."
To the Bengals. There’s dysfunctional, and then there’s Marvin Lewis’ shit-storm. I can’t even believe they are 17.5 point underdogs in week five. No wait. I can. Cowboys 44, Bengals 20
New England(2-1) at San Francisco(2-2)+3.5
"She’s a lesbian! A lesbian!"
To Tom Brady. Now that his season is down the drain, it would be the final topping on the Pats karma-supreme pizza if Giselle dug broads. She’s gay. I know, I know. Pats 27, Niners 20
Pittsburgh(3-1) at Jacksonville(2-2)-4
"Why don’t you call a massage parlor?"
To both teams. This is a bruising rivalry, and there will be some rubdowns needed after this showdown. Jags 21, Steelers 19
Minnesota(1-3) at New Orleans(2-2)-3
"I underlined the fuck scenes for you."
Hey this seems like an entertaining little game, doesn’t it? The Saints and the Broncos seem to have the best balance of great offense/shitty defense. So watching this game will be just like reading the horny scenes from one of Grandma Ruthie’s books. Don’t act like you haven’t done it. Saints 33, Vikes 27
Agree/Disagree? Dunlop, you suck cock.

Cody's Totally Awesome Picks That Are Way Better Than Jeremy's Stupid Spiral Notes Picks

Last week: 10-6
ATS: 9-7
Season totals: 31-16
Season ATS: 27-20

Not a great week for the Codemeister but above average nonetheless. I've just got to pick the favorites every time like my counterpart and I'd be fine. I digress (in Speed Week fashion cuz my library comp time will run out soon...FUCK!!!!!):

Minnesota (1-2) at Tennessee (3-0)
I'm not buying this whole Tennesse craze. They have a leper at quarterback, somebody I haven't even heard of the guy at running back and their D is overrated. Vikings 24, Titans 23.

San Francisco (2-1) at New Orleans (1-2)
Drew Brees can suck on my bowwllllsaacckkk for sucking it up in the first few weeks, but he'll put his head out eventually. Aints 34, Niners 27

Green Bay (2-1) at Tampa Bay (2-1)
I wanted to lay down a fun ticket on the Pack, but a wise old sage once told me never to bet with my heart. Turns out that sage is a moron. Pack 21, Bucs 13

Houston (0-2) at Jacksonville (2-1)
Big spread, but the Texans suck something awful. Jags 27, Tex 2

Denver (3-0) at Kansas City (0-3)
Diabetes or not, Jay Cutler can throw the damn ball. Broncs 38, Chefs 6

Arizona (2-1) at N.Y. Jets (1-2)
Brett continues to plummet. Damnit. Cards 23, Jets 21

Atlanta(2-1) at Carolina (2-1)
The Falcs blow five gay dudes when Turner can't run. Seems pretty simple: Don't let Turner run. Panthers 17, Falcs 13

Cleveland (0-3) at Cincy (0-3)
Nobody outside of Ohio gives a shit. Cincy 13, Cleveland 7

Washington (2-1) at Dallas (3-0)
I hate Dallas, and yet, I strangely can't pick against them. Fags 38, Skins 17 (I'm on a homophobic kick this week)



Buffalo (3-0) at St. Louis (0-3)
The charade will end once the Bills play somebody worth a damn. That's not this week. Bills 28, Rams 17

Philly (2-1) at Chicago (1-2)
Finally a game worth talking about and I don't have time. Shit. Eagles 20, Da Bears 13

Baltimore (2-0) at Pittsburgh (2-1)
Willis McGahee's vagina...global warming...Matt Damon...(mind running out of things to say under pressure) Steelers 13, Ravens 7

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 12-4
ATS: 11-5
Season Total: 33-14
Season ATS: 31-16
Lock-of-the-Week: 2-1

I continue to dominate. I actually can't be stopped. Since I still don't have a job, I'm thinking of moving to Wendover and doing this full time. Seriously, its like I'm printing money over here. It's so easy, I'm going to make this week's picks Tarzan-style.



Minnesota(1-2) at Tennessee(3-0)-3
Titans good, Vikings shitty. Titans 27, Vikes 16

San Francisco(2-1) at New Orleans(1-2)-6
Saints good(on offense anyways). Alex Smith very very bad. Saints 24, Niners 20

Green Bay(2-1) at Tampa Bay(2-1)-1
Packers good. Griese drunk. Upset Special #1: Pack 14, Buccs 6

Houston(0-2) at Jacksonville(1-2)-7.5
Jags good. Houston have hurricane. Jags 29, Texans 13

Denver(3-0) at Kansas City(0-3)+9.5
Broncos defense shitty. K.C. shittier. Broncs 20, Chefs 14

Arizona(2-1) at NY Jets(1-2)-2
Favre old. Cards better. Upset Special #2: Cards 30, Jets 27

Atlanta(2-1) at Carolina(2-1)-7
Panthers good. Falcons young. Panthers 27, Falcons 16

Cleveland(0-3) at Cincinnati(0-3)-3.5
This game shit. Upset Special #3: Browns 26, Bengals 23

San Diego(1-2) at Oakland(1-2)+7
Its our take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Chargers 40, Raiders 23

Washington(2-1) at Dallas(3-0)-11.5
Cowboys good. But line way too big. Cowboys 30, Washington 20

Buffalo(3-0) at St. Louis(0-3)+8
Bills okay. Rams fucking terrible. Bills 22, Rams 8

Philadelphia(2-1) at Chicago(1-2)+3.5
Eagles good. Bears mystery. Eagles 16, Bears 14

Baltimore(2-0) at Pittsburgh(2-1)-7
Bad offense + good defense = I need a nap. Steelers 9, Ravens 6

Agree/Disagree? Eat a dick.

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 10-5
Season Total: 21-10
Against the spread: 10-5
Season ATS: 20-11
Lock-of-the-week: 1-1
I am unstoppable. A difficult week, and I just killed it. Now this week will be even tougher. The home team is favored in every game except the Dal-GB tilt. The picks should score well, but it will be real tough to nail it against the number. Also I hate espn. Their bizarre insider line threw me off my game and ruined the lock of the week. But I have adjusted, and I am ready. Bring it on bitches.
Kansas City(0-2) at Atlanta(1-1)
Its official. K.C. is the worst team in the NFL and would lose straight up to USC. Or to BYU in Provo. Falcons 36, Chefs 20
Tampa Bay(1-1) at Chicago(1-1)
A tricky game to pick. Good running and good defense but no QB at home vs. good running and good defense plus decent(possibly gay) QB. Not sure. Bears 30, Buccs 25
Miami(0-2) at New England(2-0)
Another tricky one. That’s a lot of points for Matt Castle to cover. Fuck it, he’ll do it anyways. Pats 20, Phins 0
Houston(0-1) at Tennessee(2-0)
What do you do with the Titans? Their QB is suicidal, but they just keep on winning. Bizarre. Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Titans(-5) 39, Texans 21
Oakland(1-1) at Buffalo(2-0)
So the Bills are undefeated. Really? They picked up a big win on the road last week so they may actually be good. But they are giving up a lot of points in this one. We’ll give them the win, but not the cover. Bills 30, Raiders 29
Carolina(2-0) at Minnesota(0-2)
The impatient Vikings have already switched QB’s. I would call that a bad move if the first quaterback wasn’t Tavaris ‘functioning retard’ Jackson. They are overdue for that first win. Vikes 32, Panthers 30
Cincinnati(0-2) at NY Giants(2-0)
Another huge line for this early in the season. I say Carson Palmer will stop playing like Carson Daly and keep it within range. Giants 32, Bengals 20
Arizona(2-0) at Washington(1-1)
Did I read that right? Are the Arizona Cards really 2-and-0? Holy shit. That can’t last. Washington 35, Cards 25
Detroit(0-2) at San Francisco(1-1)
What in the name of J.T. O’Sullivan is going on here? The Niners came from behind to pick up a win and ruin a parlay for me. Assholes. Well, if they can win on the road, they have to be able to handle the jackass Lions at home. Niners 44, Loins 33
New Orleans(1-1) at Denver(2-0)
This could be and should be the best game of the week. The Broncs are tough, especially at home, but the Saints are too good to be 1-2. Upset Special: Saints 27, Broncs 21(OT)
Jacksonville(0-2) at Indianapolis(1-1)
Who do you pick in this one? The Colts, who’ve looked like shit so far? Or the Jags, who’ve looked like dog-shit? I guess I go with the dude with the contract with satan. Colts 39, Jags 24
St. Louis(0-2) at Seattle(0-2)
Neither of these teams can be this bad, can they? Yes. Hawks 26, Rams 9
Pittsburgh(2-0) at Philadelphia(1-1)
The battle for Pennsylvania. Kinda sounds like presidential election coverage, doesn’t it? Eagles 35, Steelers 30
Cleveland(0-2) at Baltimore(1-0)
An extra week off for the Ravens will work wonders. Their rookie QB needed a little extra time to get his shit together. Ravens 34, Browns 28(OT)
Dallas(2-0) at Green Bay(2-0)
The Packers have to be pissed about being the only home dog. Does it matter? Not with ocho-uno out there. Cowboys 20, Pack 12
NY Jets(1-1) at San Diego(0-2)
They should put this game on Sunday night just so we can enjoy the John Madden Favre-boner one more time. The Chargers won’t lose on the last play for a third straight week. Bolts 33, Jets 28
Agree/Disagree? Blow me.

Cody's Awesome Picks That Are Totally Way Better Than Jeremy's Stupid Spiral Notes Picks

I forgot to put my picks up the first two weeks, but have no fear because I'm a recovering gambling addict who isn't trying too hard. Honestly, I picked them on another site.
Here's my record after two weeks. In week one, I was 11-5 straight up and 9-7 against the spread. In week two, I was 10-5 straight up and 8-6 against the spread.

Here are this week's picks:

Kansas City(0-2) at Atlanta(1-1)
Who really gives a shit? Atlanta 24, Kansas City 10

Oakland(1-1) at Buffalo(2-0)
Another impressive win for the Buffs over the Jags last week. How long can they stay undefeated? My guess is week seven against the Chargers. Buffalo 31, Oakland 17

Tampa Bay(1-1) at Chicago(1-1)
Hmmm...A Brian Griese-led Bucs team or a Kyle Orton-led Bears team. Do I have to pick one? Can I just move to the next pick? Bears 13, Bucs 10

Houston(0-1) at Tennessee(2-0)
As they were a season ago, I expect the Titans to be on the cusp of the postseason at the end of the year. Houston, meanwhile, needs to stop thinking a defensive line can win it all its games. Titans 20, Texans 6

Carolina(2-0) at Minnesota (0-2)
How's that sexy Vikings Super Bowl pick looking now SI/ESPN/Everybody else? Jackson is one step below an epileptic junior varsity quarterback, so Minnesota will improve with him riding the pine in Steve Smith's season debut. Vikings 27, Panthers 24 OT

Miami(0-2) at New England (2-0)
I couldn't believe it when the Jets were favored last week. I would've easily thrown a fun ticket down on the Pats if I were near a sports book. They are still the class of the AFC. Pats 38, Phins 7

Cincinnati(0-2) at New York Giants (2-0)
Ocho Cinco needs to catch el fucking ball-o. Til then, shut your mouth. Meanwhile, the Giants appear to still be in post-season form. Giants 33, Bungals 14

Arizona(2-0) at Washington(1-1)
Kurt Warner is just too damn old and I'm just too damn tan. Skins 28, Cards 14

Detroit(0-2) at San Francisco(1-1)
God, there are some absolutely terrible games this week. 49ers 21, Lions 20

St. Louis(0-2) at Seattle(0-2)
It continues. Seahawks 24, Rams 17

New Orleans(1-1) at Denver (2-0)
Despite having more weapons than Petraeus, Drew Brees still can't find the endzone. That'll change this week because neither of these teams is a big fan of playing defense. Fleur de Lis 38, Broncs 35

Pittsburgh(2-0) at Philadelphia(1-1)
I don't get it. The Eagles have the same players that they did a season ago, but now they don't suck nearly as bad. What gives? The Eagles win it by a touchdown so long as Desean Jackson holds on to the damn ball til after he crosses the goal line. Eagles 24, Steelers 17

Jacksonville(0-2) at Indianapolis(1-1)
Peyton Manning played with a glorified Mountain West Conference line (and not BYU's) and still figured out a way to beat the Vikes last week. Expect more gold for him this week unless Jones-Drew and Taylor sack up. Colts 20, Jags 16

Cleveland(0-2) at Baltimore(1-0)
I keep thinking the Browns are going to figure their shit out and they keep disappointing. Meanwhile, Hurricane Ike derailed any chance of Willis McGahee scoring last week, thus fucking up my chances of beating Andy in fantasy football. For that, Hurricane Ike joins cancer, ketchup and Ryan Seacrest on my list of things that should just fuck off. Brown stains 28, Baltimore 17

Dallas(2-0) at Green Bay(2-0)
I have a full-on erection just thinking about this game. Rodgers kept the Pack in it last year when Brett screwed the pooch so I'm cautiously optimistic about our chances. I'm sure T.O. has something in store for Green Bay fans, so let's hope he stays out of the endzone. Pack 34, Cowboys 33

New York Jets(1-1) at San Diego (0-2)
Wahhhhh!!!! That's all the crybaby San Diego fans calling for Ed Hochuli's job. He made one fucking mistake. The call was in a crucial situation, but he has been one of the best referees in the league for a long time. The Chargers need to nut up and act like they have the "best roster in the NFL" like everyone always claims. Speaking of growing balls, let's hope Eric Mangyna allows Favre to throw five passes this week. Chargers 31, Jets 17

Long Overdue Football Preview/Review

After a long hiatus due to scheduling conflicts and being a straight-up lazy ass, I decided it was time for a come back. But don't call it that. I've been here for years.

I felt obligated after the solid round of college and pro football games last weekend to deliver a complete and unadultered early-season football preview/review/whatever-the-hell-else-comes-into-my-head-throughout-the-next-couple-hours post.

Tidbits:

1. As a former Mountain West journalist, it's nice to see the conference finally getting some love from the national media. ESPN's Mark Schlabach (I think anyways) wrote on Monday that the Mountain West is the fifth best conference in the country and he couldn't have been more spot on. It went SEC, Big-12, Big-10, Pac-10, MWC, ACC, Big East. I've been arguing for at least the last two or three years that the MWC is on the same playing field as the ACC and Big East and they proved to be more than that last week. Conference teams combined to go 4-0 against the PAC-10 last Saturday. The MWC is 10-4 against BCS teams this season, better than any conference but the SEC and Big-12.

2. Is Notre Dame football ever going to figure its shit out? And no, narrow wins over San Diego State and Michigan don't mean count. On top of being a second-rate squad, the Fightin' Clovers' head coach suffered a nasty hit last week. Is that karma for all of his years as a New England Patriot?

3. USC-Ohio State. The Big-10 has gotten a lot of guff over the past three or four years for being weak and the Buckeyes have justified that argument time and time again. How many times can they get to the big stage, then shrivel in the national spotlight? I don't care if they would've had Beanie Wells, they still would have gotten their ass kicked.

4. I was one of the suckers who got drawn in by the BYU 9.5-point spread last Saturday. Needless to say, my parlay didn't work out. I learned a valuable lesson though. Never bet against a team that lives morally right on and off the field. Jesus is on its side…I'm just kidding.

5. I've made it known on several occasions that I love flamboyant wide receivers. Being a journalist, you always get the same mundane and lukewarm personalities so it's extremely entertaining when you finally get a personality. That being said, Philly's DeSean Jackson is a moron. Last Monday night's one-yard line gaffe wasn't even his first either. Does this guy have some kind of sociological problem?

6. Tavaris Jackson is pathetic. He deserves to be benched. Oh, thank God, he did get benched.

7. Growing up in Wisconsin, Brett Favre, Green Bay Packers, cheese curds and beer are engrained in me. Just because Brett now plays for another team doesn't mean I don't want him to kick ass. As for the Pack, Aaron Rodgers needs to grow his mustache out again. If he grows that back out, good things will happen this year.

8. I've always had respect for referee Ed Hochuli, but he blew that call last weekend. Now that they can't do anything about it though, why does everyone insist on continuing their bitching? What, do they want a do-over for the last 30 seconds?

My college rankings for the three people who read this blog:

1. USC- I don't think this is debatable.
2. Georgia-The Dogs dropped in other polls despite beating a tough Cock squad last week. Yup, I just said Cock squad.
3. Oklahoma- Looking solid with Ryan Reynolds at quarterback.
4. Florida- The Gators head into the meat of their schedule.
5. Missouri- Tigers posted 69 points Nevada last week.
6. Texas- McCoy won't be able to do it all forever.
7. LSU- The Tigers are overrated to begin with and now they play at Auburn, Mississippi State, at Florida, at South Carolina and at Georgia.
8. Alabama-Will drop one of its next two games to Arkansas or Georgia.
9. Texas Tech-It's rumored that Michael Crabtree can cure cancer with his tears.
10. Wisconsin- Badgers can prove a lot of the next three weeks against Michigan, Ohio State and Penn State
11. Brigham Young- Most 10 year olds have more facial hair than Max Hall.
12. Auburn- 3-2? Does Auburn think it's playing baseball?
13. Oregon- Nice comeback win over a solid Purdumpy team.
14. East Carolina- Solid wins in the first two weeks over Top-20 teams could be nullified by letdown
15. Penn State- Joe Pa's degenerate squad has beaten teams by an average of 43 so far this year. They also average two drug/assault NCAA rules violations per hour--tops in the country.
16. South Florida- The Bulls get a much-needed break over the next few weeks.
17. Ohio State- These guys suck.
18. Utah-BJ and Co. are looking solid, but have struggled against a more disciplined Air Force team the last two years
19. Kansas- Todd Reesing did everything he could to bring the Jayhawks back against South Florida. It wasn't enough.
20. Florida State- A win over Wake Forest this weekend could go a long way towards legitimizing this team.
21. West Virginia- Pat White's production has dropped off considerably since Rodriguez left. So has national interest in the Mountaineers.
22. Illinois- Next week's clash against Penn State will be a high-scoring one.
23. Wake Forest- Nothing on earth could make me care less about this team.
24. TCU- Horned Frogs can do a lot for the Mountain West with a win at Oklahoma next week.
25. Boise State- Knocking off Oregon this weekend would be huge for all of those hillbillies in Idaho.

Four not-so-bold predictions:

1. USC will make and win the national championship

The last few years, I've had a feeling that USC was going to tank it against a lesser team sometime during the regular season. Turns out I've been right. This season though, the Trojans are going to break out of their slump and make the national championship game. They've got a metric ass ton of talent¬ (big surprise), don't have any serious challenges left on their schedule (barring a home clash against Oregon on Oct. 4) and Mark "Dirty" Sanchez is playing out of his dirty little mind. Oh yeah, and Brian Cushing and Rey Maualuga scare the shit out of me.

2. At least two non-BCS schools will finish this season undefeated

This hasn't happened to date, but I have a feeling we're going to see it this year. South Florida, Brigham Young, East Carolina and Utah are all ranked in the Top-25 and TCU is waiting just outside. South Florida doesn't play anybody until West Virginia the last week of the season, East Carolina toughest game left is Southern Miss and Utah and BYU could both be undefeated heading into the Holy War on November 22nd. If it happens, shit is going to hit the fan and the whole post-season playoff debate will spark up again.

3. All Big-12 and SEC teams will finish with at least one loss

I realize the scope of this prediction is pretty big considering we're talking about the best two college football conferences in the nation, but I don't see a way that any of the teams will get through the season unscathed. Florida plays against LSU and at Georgia and Florida State. Georgia plays Alabama, at LSU, Florida and at Auburn. Texas goes to Oklahoma, Texas Tech and Kansas and plays Missouri. Oklahoma probably has the best chance, playing Kansas, Texas Tech, TCU and Texas at home, but I still don't think they'll get through.

4. I will want to kill myself from living with my brother's psychotic girlfriend before the year is out

Ok, this has absolutely nothing to do with football, but I thought it was pertinent. Seriously, the woman is insane. I call her Psycho Sid, but that doesn't tell half the story.

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 11-5
Against the spread: 10-6
Lock-of-the-week: 1-0
Well, I am on a roll again. Who knew? Like Andy at 3AM at the BJ tables, I cannot be stopped. Okay, okay, so the picks won’t be so hot this week. Shit, I’ve never seen so many home dogs in one week. That is not good for gamblers. But whatever, we’ll plow through.
NY Giants(1-0) at St. Louis(0-1)
In case you didn’t notice from week one, the Rams are shit. The Giants don’t seem to have that Super Bowl hangover like I expected. Giants 33, Rams 18
New Orleans(1-0) at Washington(0-1)
The Saints are undefeated and seem to be the new trendy pick. But watch out for the Washington, they always seem to camp around 8-8, which means they may be due this week. Saints 27, Washington 24(OT)
Buffalo(1-0) at Jacksonville(0-1)
Random stat: Black quarterbacks were 2-4 in week one, and one of the wins was by Vince Young. Not a good sign for Jag fans and David Gerrard. Luckily their defense is pretty fuckin’ good. Jags 38, Bills 24
Green Bay(1-0) at Detroit(0-1)
The Pack and Aaron Rodgers will be exposed sooner rather than later. Just maybe not against the shit-storm that is the Lions. Pack 30, Loins 12
San Francisco(0-1) at Seattle(0-1)
Bold prediction: Alex Smith will be waived by the 49ers before I get a job. Its my take-it-to-Mesquite-lock-of-the-week: Seahawks(-1.5) 27, Niners 12
San Diego(0-1) at Denver(1-0)
Of all the home dogs, the Broncs might be the most tempting. But I can’t see the Bolts at 0-and-2, that is just too much for me to handle. Chargers 20, Broncs 18
New England(1-0) at NY Jets(1-0)
If Brady had got hurt in this game, the Jets would’ve ran away. But give Billichick a week to prepare for Brett ‘colorblind’ Favre, and you’ll see about three interceptions. Plus, you’re about to see why Randy Moss and not Tom Brady should have been the MVP last year. Pats 24, Jets 17
Pittsburgh(1-0) at Cleveland(0-1)
Apparently the Steelers are pretty good. What else is new? But they always play close games in the dawg’ pound. The Browns are that big of a pain in the ass. Steelers 28, Browns 24
Indianapolis(0-1) at Minnesota(0-1)
Peyton Manning could be 0-2. You can probably see my boner from there. Too bad they are playing Tavaris ‘couldn’t start for U.S.C.’ Jackson. Colts 13, Vikes 6
Chicago(1-0) at Carolina(1-0)
With these two teams’ big wins in week one, coupled with Tom Brady deciding to take 15 weeks off to bang Giselle, the balance of power may just have shifted to the NFC. Hard to believe. Upset Special #1: Panthers 37, Bears 31(OT)
Tennessee(1-0) at Cincinnati(0-1)
Vince Young’s mom just wants us to leave him alone. Well fuck her. But if the Bengals don’t get Ochocinco the ball, it doesn’t matter. Titans 10, Bengals 0
Oakland(0-1) at Kansas City(0-1)
Is it too early to declare a game the toilet bowl? Because this is it. Chefs 34, Raiders 31
Atlanta(1-0) at Tampa Bay(0-1)
Its tempting to go with the young and sexy Falcons. But, I’m not. Sorry about that. Tampa is too good, even if their QB is Jeff ‘not that there’s anything wrong with that’ Garcia. Buccs 15, Falcons 7
Baltimore(1-0) at Houston(0-1)
The Ravens could be good. But watch the film. They are starting a rookie QB who just isn’t there yet. The Texans can’t be that bad two weeks in a row, can they? Upset Special #2: Texans 29, Ravens 28
Miami(0-1) at Arizona(1-0)
Pennington actually gives the Phish a chance in shitty matchups like this one. But don’t fuck with Edge against his hometown team. Cards 35, Phins 26
Philadelphia(1-0) at Dallas(1-0)
See Buffalo at Jacksonville analysis. Boys 42, Eagles 26
Agree/Disagree? I don’t give a shit.