Fuck It, We'll Do It Live

By Cody

Last week: 7-9
Season total: 38-24
ATS: 7-9
Season ATS: 34-28

Fuck the NFL. The one week that I decide to make some bets and every team that I pick looks like one of the Jonah Brothers at a straight party—uninterested.
That week was pathetic. I’m blaming it on my shortened time at the library. No, it was my job switch. Or maybe I just blow. Yeah, it’s probably the latter.
Anyways, I’ve changed the title of this column until I pull my head out of my ass and once again make it competitive against that douche mongrol of a brother. It’s in honor of Bill O’Reilly, who freaked out while filming a daily show segment because the teleprompter wasn’t working properly.


Chicago(2-2) at Detroit(0-3)+3.5
Neither me, nor anybody else in the world knows how good the Bears actually are. The good news for them is that they don’t need to be that good to beat the Lions. Bears 17, Lions 13

San Diego(2-2) at Miami(1-2)+6.5
I was wondering when that direct snap to the running back shit would catch on in the NFL. It works for me all the time in College Football ’08 and Madden, why shouldn’t it work in the real thing? Now that the secret is out though, the Dolphins are screwed. Bolts 31, Phins 17

Washington(3-1) at Philadelphia(2-2)-5.5
The NFC East bandwagon is moving too fast for me to catch up, but I have been impressed with all four teams to this point. Chris “Pee Wee” Cooley’s junk exposure was just a prelude to the stir the Skins will create this season. McNabb and the Eagles, meanwhile, just may be the best 2-2 team on planet Earth. Eagles 27, Skins 24

Tennessee(4-0) at Baltimore(2-1)+3
My disdain for Willis McGahee can’t be explained in simple measurements, but if they could, I would say it’s at a 9.4. That guy sucks. This is just me venting because I end up with him year after year and he never does shit besides get hurt. Meanwhile, the Titans keep winning with a simple formula: Keep Vince Young away from the field. Titans 17, Ravens 13

Atlanta(2-2) at Green Bay(2-2)NL
The fact that there is no line on this game is embarrassing as a Packers fan. I told that motherfucker Ted Thompson to swallow his ego and retain Brett. Now where the fuck is the franchise? The Pack is 2-2 and its quarterback is out with a sprained vagina. Great. Thanks for fucking up my universe Thompson. Falcons 24, Pack 21

Seattle(1-2) at NY Giants(3-0)-7
Word has it that Plaxico Burress is a team cancer. How so? You don’t bench your best player because he doesn’t answer his phone immediately or tell you where he’s at on a Friday night. It’s professional football for shit’s sake! Get over yourself and put the best 11 guys on the field. You get paid to win games. He helps you win. Solution: LET HIM PLAY THE FUCKING GAME. Giants 27, Seahawks 12

Kansas City(1-3) at Carolina (3-1)-10
Hurray, the Chiefs finally got their first win! It won’t last. Panthers 28, Chiefs 14

Indianapolis(1-2) at Houston(0-3)+3.5
I, unlike my counterpart, can stand Peyton Manning. But he’s going to need some help if the Colts are to make any sort of playoff run. Luckily for the Colts, he won’t need much help against the Titans. Colts 27, Texans 21

Tampa Bay(3-1) at Denver(3-1)-3
I get the feeling the Broncos just aren’t that good. I’ll admit this seems like an obvious statement following their loss to the Chiefs, but I really don’t think they are going anywhere. Sure, their offense can put up big numbers, but you have to have more than just one shutdown corner on defense to win games in the NFL. Or do you? Broncos 35, Bucs 34

Buffalo(4-0) at Arizona(2-2)NL
This is probably the most intriguing game of the week. Are the Bills for real? Does beating the Cardinals actually make them for real? Am I going anywhere with this? Yup. At least I think so. The Bills aren’t an upper-echelon team until they take on somebody that’s worth a damn. And no Cardinals fans, Arizona is not worth a damn. Bills 31, Cards 27

Cincinnati(0-4) at Dallas(3-1)-17.5
Really? Eighteen points? I don’t care how shitty the Bengals are. It’s still the NFL, where (cue the drab announcer voice) “Any team can beat any other team on any given Sunday.” The Bengals have been bad, I’ll be the first to admit. But their losses have been by 7, 17, 3 and 8. They’ve been in games, they just haven’t pulled it out late. And they won’t this week. Cowboys 42, Bengals 28

New England (2-1) at San Francisco(2-2)+3.5
The last time the Pats played, I picked them to win by 31 points. How did they repay me? They lost to the lowly Dolphins by 25 points in Foxsboro. That means I missed my pick by 56 points. That’s got to be some sort of a record. Still, I can’t see the Niners beating them. Pats 21, 49ers 17

Pittsburgh(3-1) at Jacksonville(2-2)-4
The Steelers are more banged up than Paris Hilton (OHHHH, ZING) and it’s not going to get any better against the Jags. Mewelde “Who the fuck is this guy” Moore and Najeh “I will shit in your closet” Davenport are splitting carries with Willie Parker and Rashad Mendenhall out. Uh oh. Jags 27, Steelers 24

Minnesota(1-3) at New Orleans(2-2)-3
Jer called it. This is one of the more intriguing games if for no other reason than how underachieving both teams are this year. Everybody keeps saying how great Drew Brees is playing, but his team is 2-2. Everybody rants and raves about AP, but his team has won only one game thus far. Time for somebody to step up and make up for the bevy of holes on each team. Saints 31, Vikings 27