Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 8-5
Season total: 41-19
Against the spread: 9-4
Season ATS: 40-20
Lock-of-the-Week: 3-1
Its downer-time. In honor of the now-deceased Paul Newman, I am bringing you the picks this week all with a complimentary Slap Shot quote. But his salad dressing still sucks ass.
Chicago(2-2) at Detroit(0-3)+3.5
"Fucking machine took my quarter"
To Lion fans, who’ve been ripped off for so many years in the Matt Millen era. Now he gets to leave town with buckets of cash, and they’re stuck with a god-awful team. Bears 22, Loins 17
San Diego(2-2) at Miami(1-2)+6.5
"Here’s to all that gorgeous snatch in FLA."
To the Chargers, live it up boys. I owe you for your unnecessary last-minute touchdown to make me some money. First round of Miami-whores is on me. Bolts 28, Phins 24
Washington(3-1) at Philadelphia(2-2)-5.5
"Come on down, we’ve got entertainment for the whole family."
This looks to be the most entertaining game of the week. The Washington racist-name- removed(s) are a spunky little team. They can dig a 14-0 hole and then dig out of it in no time. Upset Special: Washington 15, Eagles 14
Tennessee(4-0) at Baltimore(2-1)+3
"Too much. Too soon."
From all accounts, this is the story of Vince Young’s career. Titans 33, Ravens 25
Atlanta(2-2) at Green Bay(2-2)NL
"You take the car. I’ll keep the dog."
That is a direct quote from Ted Thompson speaking to Brett Favre this offseason. How’s that working out for you, Ted? Pack 19, Falcons 10
Seattle(1-2) at NY Giants(3-0)-7
"This is a god damn disgrace."
To the once proud Seattle Seahawks. Wow, so that’s what jumping the shark looks like in football. Giants 28, Hawks 16
Kansas City(1-3) at Carolina(3-1)-10
"Who own de Chiefs?" "Owns! Owns!"
To quote one of my new favorite movies(Sarah Marshall), ‘She has nice hair, I wonder if the drapes match her pubes?" In other words, this Slap Shot quote is totally unrelated, but since it actually says Chiefs, I figured it had to go with K.C. Panthers 28, Chefs 21
Indianapolis(1-2) at Houston(0-3)+3.5
"Worst goon in hockey today."
To Peyton Manning. Man that guy is a tool. But, because of this, I know he’ll somehow be involved at the end of the year in the playoffs. Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Colts 40, Texans 27
Tampa Bay(3-1) at Denver(3-1)-3
"Know a good bar here, the Palm Oil. Fucked the barmaid last trip."
To the Broncos. These guys are about to set the record for most 36-34 games in a season. They’ve got a great offense, and a horrendous defense. Plus being in Utah, we get to see them every week, so they have that familiar(banged her last trip) feel. Broncs 30, Buccs 22
Buffalo(4-0) at Arizona(2-2)Pick’em
"I’m listening to the fucking song."
To Bills fans. They just don’t want to hear about how they have one foot out the door towards Toronto. They don’t want to hear how their Bills have rode an easy schedule(Raiders and Rams, anyone) to their sparkly early record. They think they really are the shit. And who am I to stand in their way. Bills 20, Cards 17
Cincinnati(0-4) at Dallas(3-1)-17.5
"These guys are fucking retards."
To the Bengals. There’s dysfunctional, and then there’s Marvin Lewis’ shit-storm. I can’t even believe they are 17.5 point underdogs in week five. No wait. I can. Cowboys 44, Bengals 20
New England(2-1) at San Francisco(2-2)+3.5
"She’s a lesbian! A lesbian!"
To Tom Brady. Now that his season is down the drain, it would be the final topping on the Pats karma-supreme pizza if Giselle dug broads. She’s gay. I know, I know. Pats 27, Niners 20
Pittsburgh(3-1) at Jacksonville(2-2)-4
"Why don’t you call a massage parlor?"
To both teams. This is a bruising rivalry, and there will be some rubdowns needed after this showdown. Jags 21, Steelers 19
Minnesota(1-3) at New Orleans(2-2)-3
"I underlined the fuck scenes for you."
Hey this seems like an entertaining little game, doesn’t it? The Saints and the Broncos seem to have the best balance of great offense/shitty defense. So watching this game will be just like reading the horny scenes from one of Grandma Ruthie’s books. Don’t act like you haven’t done it. Saints 33, Vikes 27
Agree/Disagree? Dunlop, you suck cock.