Too Damn Tan: Fuck It, We'll Do It Live

Last week: 9-5
Season total: 46-29
ATS: 8-4
Season ATS: 42-32

Looks like I got my groove back, Stella. I would have done even better but two games (Tampa-Denver, Tennessee-Baltimore) nailed the spread right on the head. It's almost like those bastard oddsmakers know what they're doing.
Overall, it was a good week of football. The Cardinals finally exposed the Bills for who they really are, which is a fucking joke (you have to be a joke to lose to the Cards). The Chargers found a way to legitimize the Dolphins. Carolina, Chicago and the New York Giants all kicked ass. Meanwhile, our beloved Packers screwed the pooch, somehow losing to the Falcons at home. Although I'd love to, I can't even blame it on Aaron Rodgers. So instead, I'm going to put it on fucking asshat Ted Thompson. God, I hope he gets the shaft, both metaphorically—in relation to his job—and quite literally.
There aren't too many games worth watching this week. Don't watch.

Oakland (1-3) at New Orleans (2-3)-7.5
Two years later, Reggie Bush is finally paying dividends. He still isn't a factor in the running game (because he's a pusssaaayyy), but he leads the league with 38 receptions and is lighting it up on special teams. Still, his team is 2-3. They should get back to .500 this week, but probably won't look good doing it. Saints 27, Oakland 24

Baltimore (2-2) at Indianapolis (2-2)-5
The Colts look pathetic, but Manning has somehow willed them to two wins thus far. Indy better figure its shit out quick, because they face the Ravens, then at Green Bay, at Tennessee, New England and at Pittsburgh. This wouldn't be one of my columns if I didn't rag on that waste of space Willis McGahee. Fuck that guy. Colts 18, Ravens 14

Cincinnati (0-5) at New York Jets (2-2)-6
Well, what do you know? Favre currently leads the league in touchdown passes despite playing one game fewer than most of his competition. One thing is wrong with this picture though. He's only thrown four picks. I see him throwing at least a pair this week, but he'll overcome that with four touchdown passes. Jets 31, Cincinnati 28

Carolina (4-1) at Tampa Bay (3-2)-2
Two solid teams, two great defenses, two enigmatic coaches. So why don't I give a shit? It's tough to explain, but there are some teams that just don't interest me at all. Tampa Bay is one of those teams. I do enjoy watching Steve Smith, but that's not enough for me to tune in. Panthers 17, Bucs 16

Detroit (0-4) at Minnesota (2-3)-13.5
Who would have thought the Vikings could win without AP going off for 300 yards? No worries, he'll rebound this week. Vikings 38, Lions 10

Chicago (3-2) at Atlanta (3-2)+2.5
When a game between the Bears and the Falcons is the most intriguing of the week, you may want to catch up on your yard work...I'm talking to you Jeremy. That yard is filthy. Bears 17, Falcons 14

Miami (2-2) at Houston (0-4)-3
I can't tell you how uninterested I am in this game. I would rather play pick-up sticks with my butt cheeks than have to watch that shit. Stick pin needles in my cock hole. Run backwards through a cornfield. I think you get the hint. Dolphins 28, Texans 24

St. Louis (0-4) at Washington (4-1)-13.5
I have no idea what's going on with Washington, but I like it. Portis is running around defenders again, the defense is stout and Jason Campbell is playing like someone other than Jason Campbell. The Skins keep finding a way to get wins, squeaking out six, two, seven and five-point victories over the past four weeks. Meanwhile, the Rams have lost by an average of 26 points per week. Ouch. Skins 35, Rams 14

Jacksonville (2-3) at Denver (4-1)-3.5
Living in Utah, I was constantly oversaturated with Broncos shit. I'm looking forward to not ever having to watch them again when I move to Cali. Still, Brandon Marshall is my new favorite felon and I love watching him. Denver's home record is spotless this season and I don't expect that to change this week against a mediocre Jacksonville team. Broncos 31, Jags 24

Philadelphia (2-3) at San Francisco (2-3)+6
I was confused when many of the 'experts' picked the Eagles to get to the Super Bowl in their pre-season predictions. Those predictions would probably be warranted if Philly played in the AFC, but they don't. In the harsh reality that is the NFC East, the Eagles will be lucky to get eight wins this season. Luckily for them, they're playing the Rams this week and not a division foe.

Dallas (4-1) at Arizona (3-2)-5.5
The Cards went a long ways towards legitimizing themselves in my eyes last week with a 41-17 shellacking of what is going to turn out to be a mediocre Buffalo team. Whisenhunt's gang can prove themselves a lot more than legitimate if they're able to topple the Cowboys this week. 'America's Team' can blow me. That is all. Cowboys 45, Cards 31

Green Bay (2-3) at Seattle (1-3)-3
Rodgers better buck the fuck up if he's going to appease Packers' fans the way his predecessor did. The whole he-may-or-may-not play bit is getting pretty old already. Just take some drugs like the rest of us you whiner. If Green Bay loses against Seattle, I may swear off this season. Pack 24, Seahawks 23

New England (3-1) at San Diego (2-3)-5.5
Thanks to a pathetic effort last week against the Dolphins, this game has gained a lot more meaning for the Chargers. Another loss and they're staring at what could be a three-game gap between them and Denver. That means that Rivers and Tomlinson need to step up and carry the team because the defense sure as shit isn't going to stop anybody. I don't even know what to say about the Pats. I can't tell whether they're good anymore. Chargers 34, Pats 28

New York Giants (4-0) at Cleveland (1-3)+9
Nobody is playing as good as Eli Manning right now. Fuck. I didn't just say that. --Waiting to be struck by a bolt of lightning-- Giants 42, Browns 28

Also, that homosexical Rory thinks I need to snaz these up a little bit so I included some funny celebrity blowups (I'm still realizing Bill O'Reilly's brilliance).
Alex Trebek-