Fuck It, We'll Do It Live

By Awesome

1. Texas (at Texas Tech)- Ahh, November-the month when the BCS really starts fucking up college football. This game obviously has some serious implications. Texas wins, and it takes another step towards the title game. Tech wins, the BCS is thrown into a shit storm. Call me a one-balled leper, but I'm gonna take Harrell and Crabtree in an upset. Raiders 45, Longhorns 42

2. Alabama (Arkansas State)- Really? Tide 100, ? 0.

3. Penn State (bye)- Everybody says Penn State is a lock for the BCS title game if Joe Pa takes his team undefeated. Why? If Texas and Alabama are undefeated themselves after the season, they more than deserve a title shot. The Lions, if undefeated, might too, but with the present system, it would be absurd to abscond from pitting the Tide and Horns against one another.

4. Oklahoma (Nebraska)- The Sooners had their chance at perfection. Now they have to hope for something miracu...ummm...well, normal. Sooners 42, Huskers 28

5. USC (Washington)- Cue the obligatory Halloween cliche. The Trojans got tricked by Will Ferrell yesterday. Now they get the treat of facing Washington. Trojans 58, Huskies 17

6. Georgia (Florida)- My retarded 'roided-up roommate is a huge Bulldog fan. Here's hoping the Gators shut him the fuck up about his 'prediction' about Georgia making the title game. Gators 38, Bulldogs 35

7. Texas Tech (Texas)-Everybody I know is taking the Horns...

8. Florida (Georgia)- I'm sure Urban has something up his sleeve for the Bulldogs...

9. Oklahoma State (Iowa State)- The Cowboys get reprieve before facing Tech and Oklahoma down the stretch. Cowboys 35, Cyclones 14

10. Utah (at New Mexico)- This has let down written all over it. The Utes always struggle in Albuquerque. Realistically though, if Utah can't beat a shit New Mexico team, they don't deserve to be in the BCS. Utes 35, Lobos 28

11. Boise State (at New Mexico State)- The Broncs have to hope for the Utes to lose. BSU 35, Aggies 21

12. Ohio State (bye)- The once-lauded Buckeyes may have fallen from grace, but will still get an obligatory BCS game this year thanks to their rep.

13. TCU (at UNLV)- Patterson says he isn't looking past the Rebels to Utah...I call bullshit. Frogs 28, Rebels 17

14. Missouri (at Baylor)- The Tigers face a patsy schedule for the remainder of the regular season, but may have a chance to redeem themselves in the Big-12 Championship Game. Tigers 42, Bears 13

15. Florida State (at Georgia Tech)- I have a feeling the Bowden and Co. are going to have a tough time handling Paul Johnson's option offense. They haven't faced anything like it in a long time. Jackets 24, Seminoles 21

16. Ball State (Northern Illinois)- The only thing the Cardinals can do is keep rolling. Ball State 45, NIU 34

17. Minnesota (Northwestern)- The Gophers could press the Nittany Lions for the top spot in the Big Ten. Three of their four remaining games are at home. Gophers 24, Wildcats 23

18. Tulsa (at Arkansas)- The Golden Hurricane won't prove a lot with a win over the Razorbacks, seeing as how Arkansas may very well be a C-USA team this year, but a blowout will prove it is worthy of its ranking. Hurricane 38, Razorbacks 25

19. LSU (Tulane)- God only knows what the Green Wave Athletic Director was thinking before he lined up this game. Maybe he thought his team would be worth a damn in 2008-09...wishful thinking. Tigers 52, Wave 14

20. BYU (at Colorado State)- The Cougars looked like a bunch of pussies last week against UNLV, but I have no doubt they'll rebound this week. Pussies 42, Rams 21

21. Michigan State (Wisconsin)- Ringer carried the Spartans in their second-half comeback against the Wolverines, but MSU won't be able to beat the Badgers as their own game-old school ball. Badgers 24, Spartans 21

22. North Carolina (bye)- Basketball reigns king again.

23. South Florida (Cincinnati)- The Bulls' evidential downfall keeps gaining depth.

24. Oregon (at California)- Who plays quarterback for Nike U. now? Cal 23, Oregon 21

25. UCONN (West Virginia)- The Huskies can prove alot with a win, seeing as how they have yet to beat a decent team. Mountaineers 31, Huskies 28

Spiral Notes

Spiral Notes
By Jeremy
Last week: 9-5
Season total: 64-37
Against-the-spread: 9-5
Season ATS: 61-38
Lock-of-the-Week: 4-3
I’m back. After a week in karma’s shit-house, I got back on track.
Tampa Bay(5-2) at Dallas(4-3) NL
Still no line on this game. A bummer for problem gamblers like myself. Cowboys 28, Buccs 27
Buffalo(5-1) at Miami(2-4) +2
So the Bills are 5-1 huh? They must be good or something. I call bullshit. Upset Special: Phins 32, Bills 31
San Diego(3-4) at New Orleans(3-4)(in London) +3.5
Both of these teams need a win or they’re douched. The Saints with be without Reggie Bush, so good luck with all that. Bolts 23, Saints 7
Atlanta(4-2) at Philadelphia(3-3) -9
The Eagles are due for a physical beatdown in a game they should win. Eagles 19, Falcons 8
Oakland(2-4) at Baltimore(3-3) -7
Much like last year, the Raiders are kinda spunky. Except for Al Davis. He is still Bernie from ‘Weekend at Bernies’. Keep proping up that head. Ravens 36, Raiders 21
Washington(5-2) at Detroit(0-6) +7.5
I know this tiny line is a response to Wash. choking against an undefeated team last week, but damn. Washington 13, Loins 3
St. Louis(2-4) at New England(4-2) -7
So apparently the Pats are pretty good. Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Pats 34, Rams 14
Kansas City(1-5) at NY Jets(3-3) -12.5
12 and a half? Really? Have they seen Brett Favre play over the past five years? Jets 23, Chefs 18
Arizona(4-2) at Carolina(5-2) -4.5
If the Cards could somehow win this, it would serve notice to the rest of the NFC that ‘hey! These guys aren’t a fucking joke like we all thought.’ Panthers 22, Cards 17
Cleveland(2-4) at Jacksonville(3-3) -7
For some reason, this is the least interesting game of the week to me. Jags 27, Browns 14
Seattle(1-5) at San Francisco(2-5) -4.5
Is Seneca Wallace still prominently involved? Niners 34, Hawks 27
Cincinnati(0-7) at Houston(2-4) -9.5
That’s a huge line for a not-that-great Houston team. Plus, everybody knows the Bengals will win at some point. Texans 38, Bengals 31
NY Giants(5-1) at Pittsburgh(5-1) -3
Anybody else notice how the NFC East went from great to shitty in a matter of two weeks? Well the Giants are probably still pretty good, just maybe not good enough to win in the ‘Burgh. Steelers 23, Giants 17
Indianapolis(3-3) at Tennessee(6-0) -4
All right, this is it. It really is. If the Titans can beat the Colts, that means the Peyton Manning-era has officially jumped the shark. I’ll be praying. Titans 35, Colts 20
Agree/Disagree? Don’t care.

Fuck It, We'll Do it College Then

By Codeman

So, it turns out I'm not worth a shit in the pro ranks. Ok. I can tell when I suck some massive J-Timbo donkey balls. I gave it a good run though and, truth be told, my record is still better than the majority of those fucking hacks on ESPN. But I guess they've earned the right by being bludgeoned stupid by 300-pound men for the majority of their lives.

Forget about it. I'm gonna go back to one of my true loves. No, not my hand. I'm talking about college football. I'm gonna give my Top-25 picks for the remaining weeks of the season. This will also allow time for me to give other ruminating commentary bits...which I'm sure you guys are just dying for.
Without further ado:
1. Texas (vs. No. 6 Oklahoma State): Yeah...we fucking get it, the Big-12 is good this year. But not they're not thatgood. The Cowboys have won one legitimate game this year...and they're going to get rolled up and smoked like Coffee Shop Dave's finest this week. Longhorns 42, Cowboys 14

2. Alabama (at Tennessee): Frankly, I have no idea how Fulmer's squads have ever warranted a Top-25 ranking. Tide 45, Vols 21

3. Penn State (at No. 9 Ohio State): Here's a differing opinion: Both of these teams are quality and deserve to make a BCS game. Yeah, you heard me right. Put them against one of those glorified Big-12 teams in a BCS game. I fucking dare you. Lions 27, Buckeyes 23

4. Oklahoma (at Kansas State): To Sooner faithful, Sam Bradford might as well be the second coming of Kenny Chesney. Sooners 63, Wildcats 21

5. USC (at Arizona): I absolutely hate that the media is building this up as a tough game for the Trojans. Trojans 45, Pussies 24

6. Oklahoma State (at Texas): This team has no place in the Top-10...ever.

7. Georgia (at No. 13 LSU): I have a 'roided up roommate that is somehow under the illusion that the Bulldogs are going to make the national championship this season. But I'm not a retard like him...at least, I don't think so. Tigers 23, Dogs 20

8. Texas Tech (at No. 23 Kansas): The Red Raiders are going to meet their maker soon enough...but not this week. Raiders 56, Jayhawks 48

9. Ohio State (Penn State): Pryor has some work to do to keep up with the Nittany Lions' O.

10. Florida (Kentucky): If Andre Woodson graduated, why are the Wildcats 5-2? They must be confused. Gators 42, Cats 28

11. Utah: Using a much-deserved bye week. You know what sucks? An Ohio State, Penn State, LSU or Georgia loss really wouldn't do too much for the Utes. They need that and seven different flavors of other shit to happen to move up the ranks.

12. Boise State (San Jose State): I'm not going to lie. This game was well over before I started writing it, but I promise I was gonna pick the Broncos. Why the fuck wouldn't I? Broncs 35, Spartans 21

13. LSU (No. 7 Georgia): The SEC is getting more press than it deserves this year.

14. TCU (Wyoming): The Frogs can help their own case by beating the shit out of every team left on their schedule. So...do it, Horned Frogs...Do it! Frogs 52, Cowboys 24

15. Missouri (Colorado): Looks like a great quarterback can't make up for 20 other shit starters (Maclin is ok). Buffaloes 24, Tigers 23

16. South Florida (at Louisville): I have no idea how the Bulls got such a great reputation. One decent pass rusher and...poof!...top-10 ranking. I fucking hate rankings. Bulls 24, Cardinals 2

17. Pittsburgh (Rutgers): I've never seen a team fall off faster than Rutgers. Panthers 27, Knights 14

18.Georgia Tech (Virginia): Either way, this game is gonna be close. Jackets 23, Cavaliers 20 OT

19. Tulsa (Central Florida): Despite being a proponent of non-BCS schools, it's hard to say the Hurricane belong in BCS game talks. They're so fucking small-time it's ridiculous. It's alright though because they know how to score points. Hurricane 56, Knights 34

20. Ball State (Eastern Michigan): The Cardinals can't do anything but win their games. Too bad an undefeated season won't be worth shit to them in December. Cardinals 42, Eagles 20

21. BYU (UNLV): The Cougars' season is in a downward spiral now. So help them Joseph Smith, they better figure their shit out quick. Cougs 42, Rebels 23

22. Northwestern (at Indiana): Northwestern? How the fuck did they get in there? That must be a typo. Wildcats 32, Hoosiers 25

23. Kansas (Texas Tech): The Fat-ass J's can prove a lot this week with a win, but I just can't see it happening.

24. Minnesota (at Purdue): I can't see the Gophers sneaking by the Boilermakers. For Christ's sake, they make Boilers!!! Purdue 45, Gophers 34

25. Florida State (Virginia Tech): This is gonna be a close one. Hokies 28, Seminoles 27


I'll leave you with some of Ted Dibiase's brilliance:

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy Last week: 6-8
Season total: 56-32
Against-the-Spread: 5-8
Season ATS: 52-33
I suck-dot-com. Finally all my shit talk caught up with me and the karma-gods bitch slapped me. Whatever.
San Diego(3-3) at Buffalo(4-1) pick 'em
Bold prediction: San Diego at Tennesse in AFC Title game. Bolts 21, Bills 17
Minnesota(3-3) at Chicago(3-3) -3.5
The Bears are going to win this awful division. Bears 33, Vikes 25
Pittsburgh(4-1) at Cincinnati(0-6) +9.5
Rivalry games are always supposed to be close, aren't they. Steelers 37, Bengals 21
Tennessee(5-0) at Kansas City(1-4) +9
Say what you want about the Titans and their drunk old quarterback, that is a good-ass team. Titans 20, Chefs 10
Dallas(4-2) at St. Louis(1-4) +7
The Cowboys set the record this week for the most people in history giving up on a 4-and-2 team. They still have some good players I think. Cowboys 33, Rams 24
Baltimore(2-3) at Miami(2-3) -3
I love the Wildcat Offense, but if the Chargers did it they could run it with Eric Weddle, just like it was designed. Phins 20, Ravens 18
San Francisco(2-4) at NY Giants(4-1) -10.5
The Giants will bounce after taking a big dump on the field last Monday. Giants 34, Niners 21
New Orleans(3-3) at Carolina(4-2) -3
NO has to actually start winning some of these showdown games if they want to be around come playoff time. Panthers 27, Saints 23
Detroit(0-5) at Houston(1-4) -9.5
The 1-4 Texans are nine and a half point favorites? Really? Texans 35, Loins 28
NY Jets(3-2) at Oakland(1-4) +3.5
Pretty much every addicted gambler in the world is picking the Jets in this game. And you know what that means, the casinos are about to get richer. Jets 27, Raiders 24
Indianapolis(3-2) at Green Bay(3-3) +2
What did I tell you about Peyton Manning? Why do I get the feeling already that he's gonna find a way to screw up my earlier AFC Title game prediction? Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Colts 27, Pack 18
Cleveland(2-3) at Washington(4-2) -7.5
Washington can't play that bad and Cleveland can't play that good. At least not two weeks in a row. Washington 38, Browns 24
Seattle(1-4) at Tampa Bay(4-2) -10.5
So Seattle is counting on Seneca Wallace to save their season. Good luck with all that. Buccs 27, Hawks 14
Denver(4-2) at New England(3-2) -3
The Pats aren't perfect, and they are just a shell of what they were last year. But I'm still not counting them out, at least not yet. Pats 13, Broncs 6
Agree/Disagree? Whatever

Fuck it, We'll Do It Live

Last week: 7-7
Season total: 53-36
ATS: 5-9
Season ATS: 47-41

Last week was unimpressive, but there were a lot of upsets so cut me some fucking slack, alright? I'm gonna keep this brief due to library time constraints...and the fact that I know live four blocks away from the beach and don't want to waste a Saturday afternoon.

Tennessee(5-0) at Kansas City(1-4)+9
I'm still not entirely convinced the Titans are good, but they're definitely better than the Chiefs. Titans 17, Chiefs 13

San Diego(3-3) at Buffalo(4-1)NL
The Muffaloes snuck through an easy schedule early, but will be exposed when they hit the meat of their schedule. It starts this week. Bolts 31, Buffaloes 24

Pittsburgh(4-1) at Cincinnati(0-6)+10
Chad Johnson made an attempt to get back in the Bengals' gameplan this week by taking responsibility for his 'diva' comments before the season. Come on, Chad. You're one of the only players that's actually forthright with his thinking. Don't run away from your feelings. Steelers 20, Bengals 16

Baltimore(2-3) at Miami(3-3)-3
These wildcat formation shenanigans are gonna stop working sooner or later. Not this week though. God, McGahee sucks. Phins 22, Ravens 17

Dallas(4-2) at St. Louis(1-4)NL
Vegas doesn't want to put a line on this game thanks to Romo's pulled gyne. Pussies. Cowboys 24, Rams 23

Minnesota(3-3) at Chicago(3-3)-3
AP won't be able to run. Whoever is passing for the Vikes won't be able to pass. The Bears can't decide how good they are this year. Fuck. Bears 12, Vikes 7

New Orleans(3-3) at Carolina(4-2)-3
The Aints put on a show last week, but it was against the Raiders. Let's see how he does against a defense that's usually worth a damn. Saints 28, Panthers 27

San Francisco(2-4) at New York Giants(4-1)-10.5
The Giants are finally down from their euphoric Super Bowl high and announcers have stopped blowing Eli Manning. Thank God. Giants 31, 49ers 20

Detroit(0-5) at Houston(1-4)-9.5
No. Texans 32, Detroit 25

New York Jets(3-2) at Oakland(1-4)+3
Favre is lighting it up and Al Davis is single-handedly running Oakland into a giant pile of shit. He really needs to just keel over already. Jets 28, Oakland 15

Cleveland(2-3) at Washington(4-2)-7.5
Washington is going to want to get into the win column and the Browns will oblige. They already met this season's quota of upsets with last week's win over the Giants. Redskins 28, Browns 24

Indianapolis(3-2) at Green Bay(3-3)+2
The Pack may not be back yet, but at least they're in a division where 8-8 could get them to the playoffs. Colts 28, Pack 21

Seattle(1-4) at Tampa Bay(4-2)-11
The Seahawks are awful, but Seneca Wallace will at least make this game respectable. I know because I used to play with him in Madden. I'd stock up on all the other positions, then take him in the 43rd or so round and run around with him. Anyways, he'll make it respectable. And by that I mean they won't lose by 40. Bucs 34, Seahawks 14

Denver(4-2) at New England(3-2)-3
I'm sure Kraft and Belichick have already written this season off. Broncs 28, Pats 27

And here's a little something for the kiddies:

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 9-5
Season Total: 50-24
Against-the-Spread: 7-5
Season ATS: 47-25
Lock-of-the-Week: 4-1
I continue to dominate. My worst week of the year against the number, and I still finish 7-5. You might want to start planning my wing in Canton right now.
Baltimore(2-2) at Indianapolis(2-2)-5
I am enjoying the whole Colts suck era. But it just can’t last, can it? Peyton Manning couldn’t have his deal with the devil expire the same year as Tom Brady, could he? Colts 29, Ravens 17
Oakland(1-3) at New Orleans(2-3)-7.5
The Raiders have had two weeks to deal with a coaching change. One problem remains: they’re still the Raiders, and they’re still owned by Al ‘Bernie in Weekend at Bernie’s’ Davis. Saints 25, Raiders 21
Chicago(3-2) at Atlanta(3-2)+3
A very interesting NFC showdown. Are the Falcons for real? Is Kyle Orton for real? How many question marks can I include in one column. Bears 16, Falcons 15
St. Louis(0-4) at Washington(4-1)-13.5
Many NFL-types are listing Washington as the best team in the league. I still go with Tennessee, but the Zorn-stars are climbing fast. Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Washington(-13.5) 41, Rams 18
Detroit(0-4) at Minnesota(2-3)-13.5
Its fun to dislike the Lions, but at some point, its kinda like repeatedly kicking a guy you’ve already beaten to death. Where’s the fun in that? Vikes 33, Loins 23
Cincinnati(0-5) at NY Jets(2-2)-6
Brett Favre is leading the league in passer rating. Which just goes to show, Ted Thompson is the leading asshole in the state. Jets 24, Bengals 17
Carolina(4-1) at Tampa Bay(3-2)-1.5
This is one of those head-scratching lines. The Buccs favored against the Panthers, with a questionable QB situation? That means gamblers everywhere are about to take a bath. Buccs 17, Panthers 12
Miami(2-2) at Houston(0-4)-3
Who knows in this game? The Phins can’t run the Eric Weddle offense to victory in three straight, can they? Texans 25, Phish 19(OT)
Jacksonville(2-3) at Denver(4-1)-3.5
The Jags are in trouble. They are falling further behind the Titans as the season goes. A couple more losses, and they could be in danger of missing the wild-card as well. Broncs 31, Jags 22
Green Bay(2-3) at Seattle(1-3)-2
This is how much I believe in Aaron Rodgers. Even without Hasselbeck: Hawks 17, Pack 15
Philadelphia(2-3) at San Francisco(2-3)+5
The Eagles went from being a top-five team in the league(week one), to a top-five most overrated team. Upset Special #1: Niners 14, Eagles 12
Dallas(4-1) at Arizona(3-2)+6
Tony Romo may be banging Jessica Simpson, but he’s still T.O.’s bitch. As long as he understands that, everything is cool. Cowboys 37, Cards 27
New England(3-1) at San Diego(2-3)-6
You’re really going to bet against Bellichick, against Norv Turner, with a bye-week to prepare? Upset Special #2: Pats 34, Bolts 33
NY Giants(4-0) at Cleveland(1-3)+8
This is a mismatch in every possible category. The only place the Browns have an edge in is the most roided-up player(Brady Quinn). Giants 17, Browns 6

Fuck It, We'll Do It Live

Last week: 9-5
Season total: 46-29
ATS: 8-4
Season ATS: 42-32

Looks like I got my groove back, Stella. I would have done even better but two games (Tampa-Denver, Tennessee-Baltimore) nailed the spread right on the head. It's almost like those bastard oddsmakers know what they're doing.
Overall, it was a good week of football. The Cardinals finally exposed the Bills for who they really are, which is a fucking joke (you have to be a joke to lose to the Cards). The Chargers found a way to legitimize the Dolphins. Carolina, Chicago and the New York Giants all kicked ass. Meanwhile, our beloved Packers screwed the pooch, somehow losing to the Falcons at home. Although I'd love to, I can't even blame it on Aaron Rodgers. So instead, I'm going to put it on fucking asshat Ted Thompson. God, I hope he gets the shaft, both metaphorically—in relation to his job—and quite literally.
There aren't too many games worth watching this week. Don't watch.


Oakland (1-3) at New Orleans (2-3)-7.5
Two years later, Reggie Bush is finally paying dividends. He still isn't a factor in the running game (because he's a pusssaaayyy), but he leads the league with 38 receptions and is lighting it up on special teams. Still, his team is 2-3. They should get back to .500 this week, but probably won't look good doing it. Saints 27, Oakland 24

Baltimore (2-2) at Indianapolis (2-2)-5
The Colts look pathetic, but Manning has somehow willed them to two wins thus far. Indy better figure its shit out quick, because they face the Ravens, then at Green Bay, at Tennessee, New England and at Pittsburgh. This wouldn't be one of my columns if I didn't rag on that waste of space Willis McGahee. Fuck that guy. Colts 18, Ravens 14

Cincinnati (0-5) at New York Jets (2-2)-6
Well, what do you know? Favre currently leads the league in touchdown passes despite playing one game fewer than most of his competition. One thing is wrong with this picture though. He's only thrown four picks. I see him throwing at least a pair this week, but he'll overcome that with four touchdown passes. Jets 31, Cincinnati 28

Carolina (4-1) at Tampa Bay (3-2)-2
Two solid teams, two great defenses, two enigmatic coaches. So why don't I give a shit? It's tough to explain, but there are some teams that just don't interest me at all. Tampa Bay is one of those teams. I do enjoy watching Steve Smith, but that's not enough for me to tune in. Panthers 17, Bucs 16

Detroit (0-4) at Minnesota (2-3)-13.5
Who would have thought the Vikings could win without AP going off for 300 yards? No worries, he'll rebound this week. Vikings 38, Lions 10

Chicago (3-2) at Atlanta (3-2)+2.5
When a game between the Bears and the Falcons is the most intriguing of the week, you may want to catch up on your yard work...I'm talking to you Jeremy. That yard is filthy. Bears 17, Falcons 14

Miami (2-2) at Houston (0-4)-3
I can't tell you how uninterested I am in this game. I would rather play pick-up sticks with my butt cheeks than have to watch that shit. Stick pin needles in my cock hole. Run backwards through a cornfield. I think you get the hint. Dolphins 28, Texans 24

St. Louis (0-4) at Washington (4-1)-13.5
I have no idea what's going on with Washington, but I like it. Portis is running around defenders again, the defense is stout and Jason Campbell is playing like someone other than Jason Campbell. The Skins keep finding a way to get wins, squeaking out six, two, seven and five-point victories over the past four weeks. Meanwhile, the Rams have lost by an average of 26 points per week. Ouch. Skins 35, Rams 14

Jacksonville (2-3) at Denver (4-1)-3.5
Living in Utah, I was constantly oversaturated with Broncos shit. I'm looking forward to not ever having to watch them again when I move to Cali. Still, Brandon Marshall is my new favorite felon and I love watching him. Denver's home record is spotless this season and I don't expect that to change this week against a mediocre Jacksonville team. Broncos 31, Jags 24

Philadelphia (2-3) at San Francisco (2-3)+6
I was confused when many of the 'experts' picked the Eagles to get to the Super Bowl in their pre-season predictions. Those predictions would probably be warranted if Philly played in the AFC, but they don't. In the harsh reality that is the NFC East, the Eagles will be lucky to get eight wins this season. Luckily for them, they're playing the Rams this week and not a division foe.

Dallas (4-1) at Arizona (3-2)-5.5
The Cards went a long ways towards legitimizing themselves in my eyes last week with a 41-17 shellacking of what is going to turn out to be a mediocre Buffalo team. Whisenhunt's gang can prove themselves a lot more than legitimate if they're able to topple the Cowboys this week. 'America's Team' can blow me. That is all. Cowboys 45, Cards 31

Green Bay (2-3) at Seattle (1-3)-3
Rodgers better buck the fuck up if he's going to appease Packers' fans the way his predecessor did. The whole he-may-or-may-not play bit is getting pretty old already. Just take some drugs like the rest of us you whiner. If Green Bay loses against Seattle, I may swear off this season. Pack 24, Seahawks 23

New England (3-1) at San Diego (2-3)-5.5
Thanks to a pathetic effort last week against the Dolphins, this game has gained a lot more meaning for the Chargers. Another loss and they're staring at what could be a three-game gap between them and Denver. That means that Rivers and Tomlinson need to step up and carry the team because the defense sure as shit isn't going to stop anybody. I don't even know what to say about the Pats. I can't tell whether they're good anymore. Chargers 34, Pats 28

New York Giants (4-0) at Cleveland (1-3)+9
Nobody is playing as good as Eli Manning right now. Fuck. I didn't just say that. --Waiting to be struck by a bolt of lightning-- Giants 42, Browns 28

Also, that homosexical Rory thinks I need to snaz these up a little bit so I included some funny celebrity blowups (I'm still realizing Bill O'Reilly's brilliance).
Alex Trebek-



Chris Berman-



Another brilliant one from Berman-



Good cock quote-

Fuck It, We'll Do It Live

By Cody

Last week: 7-9
Season total: 38-24
ATS: 7-9
Season ATS: 34-28

Fuck the NFL. The one week that I decide to make some bets and every team that I pick looks like one of the Jonah Brothers at a straight party—uninterested.
That week was pathetic. I’m blaming it on my shortened time at the library. No, it was my job switch. Or maybe I just blow. Yeah, it’s probably the latter.
Anyways, I’ve changed the title of this column until I pull my head out of my ass and once again make it competitive against that douche mongrol of a brother. It’s in honor of Bill O’Reilly, who freaked out while filming a daily show segment because the teleprompter wasn’t working properly.


Chicago(2-2) at Detroit(0-3)+3.5
Neither me, nor anybody else in the world knows how good the Bears actually are. The good news for them is that they don’t need to be that good to beat the Lions. Bears 17, Lions 13

San Diego(2-2) at Miami(1-2)+6.5
I was wondering when that direct snap to the running back shit would catch on in the NFL. It works for me all the time in College Football ’08 and Madden, why shouldn’t it work in the real thing? Now that the secret is out though, the Dolphins are screwed. Bolts 31, Phins 17

Washington(3-1) at Philadelphia(2-2)-5.5
The NFC East bandwagon is moving too fast for me to catch up, but I have been impressed with all four teams to this point. Chris “Pee Wee” Cooley’s junk exposure was just a prelude to the stir the Skins will create this season. McNabb and the Eagles, meanwhile, just may be the best 2-2 team on planet Earth. Eagles 27, Skins 24

Tennessee(4-0) at Baltimore(2-1)+3
My disdain for Willis McGahee can’t be explained in simple measurements, but if they could, I would say it’s at a 9.4. That guy sucks. This is just me venting because I end up with him year after year and he never does shit besides get hurt. Meanwhile, the Titans keep winning with a simple formula: Keep Vince Young away from the field. Titans 17, Ravens 13

Atlanta(2-2) at Green Bay(2-2)NL
The fact that there is no line on this game is embarrassing as a Packers fan. I told that motherfucker Ted Thompson to swallow his ego and retain Brett. Now where the fuck is the franchise? The Pack is 2-2 and its quarterback is out with a sprained vagina. Great. Thanks for fucking up my universe Thompson. Falcons 24, Pack 21

Seattle(1-2) at NY Giants(3-0)-7
Word has it that Plaxico Burress is a team cancer. How so? You don’t bench your best player because he doesn’t answer his phone immediately or tell you where he’s at on a Friday night. It’s professional football for shit’s sake! Get over yourself and put the best 11 guys on the field. You get paid to win games. He helps you win. Solution: LET HIM PLAY THE FUCKING GAME. Giants 27, Seahawks 12

Kansas City(1-3) at Carolina (3-1)-10
Hurray, the Chiefs finally got their first win! It won’t last. Panthers 28, Chiefs 14

Indianapolis(1-2) at Houston(0-3)+3.5
I, unlike my counterpart, can stand Peyton Manning. But he’s going to need some help if the Colts are to make any sort of playoff run. Luckily for the Colts, he won’t need much help against the Titans. Colts 27, Texans 21

Tampa Bay(3-1) at Denver(3-1)-3
I get the feeling the Broncos just aren’t that good. I’ll admit this seems like an obvious statement following their loss to the Chiefs, but I really don’t think they are going anywhere. Sure, their offense can put up big numbers, but you have to have more than just one shutdown corner on defense to win games in the NFL. Or do you? Broncos 35, Bucs 34

Buffalo(4-0) at Arizona(2-2)NL
This is probably the most intriguing game of the week. Are the Bills for real? Does beating the Cardinals actually make them for real? Am I going anywhere with this? Yup. At least I think so. The Bills aren’t an upper-echelon team until they take on somebody that’s worth a damn. And no Cardinals fans, Arizona is not worth a damn. Bills 31, Cards 27

Cincinnati(0-4) at Dallas(3-1)-17.5
Really? Eighteen points? I don’t care how shitty the Bengals are. It’s still the NFL, where (cue the drab announcer voice) “Any team can beat any other team on any given Sunday.” The Bengals have been bad, I’ll be the first to admit. But their losses have been by 7, 17, 3 and 8. They’ve been in games, they just haven’t pulled it out late. And they won’t this week. Cowboys 42, Bengals 28

New England (2-1) at San Francisco(2-2)+3.5
The last time the Pats played, I picked them to win by 31 points. How did they repay me? They lost to the lowly Dolphins by 25 points in Foxsboro. That means I missed my pick by 56 points. That’s got to be some sort of a record. Still, I can’t see the Niners beating them. Pats 21, 49ers 17

Pittsburgh(3-1) at Jacksonville(2-2)-4
The Steelers are more banged up than Paris Hilton (OHHHH, ZING) and it’s not going to get any better against the Jags. Mewelde “Who the fuck is this guy” Moore and Najeh “I will shit in your closet” Davenport are splitting carries with Willie Parker and Rashad Mendenhall out. Uh oh. Jags 27, Steelers 24

Minnesota(1-3) at New Orleans(2-2)-3
Jer called it. This is one of the more intriguing games if for no other reason than how underachieving both teams are this year. Everybody keeps saying how great Drew Brees is playing, but his team is 2-2. Everybody rants and raves about AP, but his team has won only one game thus far. Time for somebody to step up and make up for the bevy of holes on each team. Saints 31, Vikings 27

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 8-5
Season total: 41-19
Against the spread: 9-4
Season ATS: 40-20
Lock-of-the-Week: 3-1
Its downer-time. In honor of the now-deceased Paul Newman, I am bringing you the picks this week all with a complimentary Slap Shot quote. But his salad dressing still sucks ass.
Chicago(2-2) at Detroit(0-3)+3.5
"Fucking machine took my quarter"
To Lion fans, who’ve been ripped off for so many years in the Matt Millen era. Now he gets to leave town with buckets of cash, and they’re stuck with a god-awful team. Bears 22, Loins 17
San Diego(2-2) at Miami(1-2)+6.5
"Here’s to all that gorgeous snatch in FLA."
To the Chargers, live it up boys. I owe you for your unnecessary last-minute touchdown to make me some money. First round of Miami-whores is on me. Bolts 28, Phins 24
Washington(3-1) at Philadelphia(2-2)-5.5
"Come on down, we’ve got entertainment for the whole family."
This looks to be the most entertaining game of the week. The Washington racist-name- removed(s) are a spunky little team. They can dig a 14-0 hole and then dig out of it in no time. Upset Special: Washington 15, Eagles 14
Tennessee(4-0) at Baltimore(2-1)+3
"Too much. Too soon."
From all accounts, this is the story of Vince Young’s career. Titans 33, Ravens 25
Atlanta(2-2) at Green Bay(2-2)NL
"You take the car. I’ll keep the dog."
That is a direct quote from Ted Thompson speaking to Brett Favre this offseason. How’s that working out for you, Ted? Pack 19, Falcons 10
Seattle(1-2) at NY Giants(3-0)-7
"This is a god damn disgrace."
To the once proud Seattle Seahawks. Wow, so that’s what jumping the shark looks like in football. Giants 28, Hawks 16
Kansas City(1-3) at Carolina(3-1)-10
"Who own de Chiefs?" "Owns! Owns!"
To quote one of my new favorite movies(Sarah Marshall), ‘She has nice hair, I wonder if the drapes match her pubes?" In other words, this Slap Shot quote is totally unrelated, but since it actually says Chiefs, I figured it had to go with K.C. Panthers 28, Chefs 21
Indianapolis(1-2) at Houston(0-3)+3.5
"Worst goon in hockey today."
To Peyton Manning. Man that guy is a tool. But, because of this, I know he’ll somehow be involved at the end of the year in the playoffs. Its my take-it-to-Wendover-lock-of-the-week: Colts 40, Texans 27
Tampa Bay(3-1) at Denver(3-1)-3
"Know a good bar here, the Palm Oil. Fucked the barmaid last trip."
To the Broncos. These guys are about to set the record for most 36-34 games in a season. They’ve got a great offense, and a horrendous defense. Plus being in Utah, we get to see them every week, so they have that familiar(banged her last trip) feel. Broncs 30, Buccs 22
Buffalo(4-0) at Arizona(2-2)Pick’em
"I’m listening to the fucking song."
To Bills fans. They just don’t want to hear about how they have one foot out the door towards Toronto. They don’t want to hear how their Bills have rode an easy schedule(Raiders and Rams, anyone) to their sparkly early record. They think they really are the shit. And who am I to stand in their way. Bills 20, Cards 17
Cincinnati(0-4) at Dallas(3-1)-17.5
"These guys are fucking retards."
To the Bengals. There’s dysfunctional, and then there’s Marvin Lewis’ shit-storm. I can’t even believe they are 17.5 point underdogs in week five. No wait. I can. Cowboys 44, Bengals 20
New England(2-1) at San Francisco(2-2)+3.5
"She’s a lesbian! A lesbian!"
To Tom Brady. Now that his season is down the drain, it would be the final topping on the Pats karma-supreme pizza if Giselle dug broads. She’s gay. I know, I know. Pats 27, Niners 20
Pittsburgh(3-1) at Jacksonville(2-2)-4
"Why don’t you call a massage parlor?"
To both teams. This is a bruising rivalry, and there will be some rubdowns needed after this showdown. Jags 21, Steelers 19
Minnesota(1-3) at New Orleans(2-2)-3
"I underlined the fuck scenes for you."
Hey this seems like an entertaining little game, doesn’t it? The Saints and the Broncos seem to have the best balance of great offense/shitty defense. So watching this game will be just like reading the horny scenes from one of Grandma Ruthie’s books. Don’t act like you haven’t done it. Saints 33, Vikes 27
Agree/Disagree? Dunlop, you suck cock.