World Cup Picks

Since we can't wait around for Cody's 11-part opus on the World Cup, I'm gonna make like a younger Jeremy racing everybody to the door. Last one in's a rotten egg. And just like those days I will kick Rory in the balls, chuck Kyle to the ground, and throw the Codester into the same tree where Bubby Wubby is hanging.

World Cup Preview-Jeremy style

You know what that means, no research, no soccer background, no knowing more than one player on each team. Just picks.

Group A
France and Uruguay
I always thought Ribery was a goofy motherfucker, now it turns out he's calling 14-year-old hookers. If you can't get laid as a soccer superstar in Europe without paying, well you have to be this little French asshole. South Africa may put up a good fight, but they ain't getting out of round one.

Group B
Argentina and Nigeria
Of course I'm rooting for a naked-Maradonna to run through the streets naked. That's just good tv. Also, Africa is gonna represent. Look it up, fuckers, the home continent always dominates. The Nigerians will stroll into round two.

Group C
England and Algeria
Sorry Team USA. A gimpy Onyewu(the best American non-goalie), combined with a decades-long inability to score in the cup, plus the scrappy Algerian defense and the aforementioned home-continent advantage, equals another early exit for the U.S. Americans. They will fall badly to the Brits and then never recover.

Group D
Serbia and Ghana
Here's my big upset of round one. The Germans will go down early. The world will finally pay them back for WW1 and 2, and years of dominance on the pitch(whatever the fuck that means)..

Group E
Netherlands and Cameroon
Those stoners from Holland are the team who I'm rooting for. But they'll show up late for a big game sometime. Blame the weed.

Group F
Italy and Paraguay
Those cheesy Italians got the easiest draw in history. Shit.

Group G
Brazil and Portugal
Drogba is out. Not really a Group of Death anymore, is it? It doesn't matter, those bastard Brazilians will win it all regardless.

Group H
Spain and Switzerland
You would think the best team in the world would be able to make it out of group play.

Knockout

The clock will strike midnight on the four remaining African Cinderellas. Is that racist? Is it more or less racist if I change the movie reference to the Lion King? The other big story of round one will be the Brazilians lucking out in PK's to beat a punchy Swiss team.

The final eight will be seven heavyweights plus Serbia. This will lead to a dream final four of Brazil and England, along with Spain and Argentina.

The English have no chance to beat Brazil with their 49 year old goalie. Spain and Argentina should be a classic, as long as Diego doesn't feel his legacy is threatened by Messi's greatness.

In the finale, I like the Argentines to edge Brazil in PK's, to take the WC back to Buenos Aires. Maradonna will be dancing naked in the streets, so proud that he found a way to not screw it up. He will then snort an entire kilo of coke to celebrate.