Pick a weiner

OK, just in the nick of time, here are my picks for World Cup 2010, the event of the world of a lifetime in South Africa.

Group play

Group A
1. Mexico - Their form is ripe for the pitch. Chicharito is going to do some dirty things and they'll surprise Les Bleus for a top-of-the-order finish.
2. France - Sorry South Africa, but Bafana Bafana aren't making it through. Too much talent for the Frenchies to bomb out this early.

Group B
1. Argentina - Still not sold on these guys because of batshit crazy Maradona, but with the firepower they have they'll at least outclass the rest of Group B.
2. South Korea - Outside of the Argentines this group is wide open with South Korea, Greece and Nigeria. Here's to the Koreans edging Nigeria for the last spot in the pitch darby advancement placing.

Group C
1. England - England got a tasty draw that should bode well for their confidence heading into the knockout stage. Even if they draw with the USA they're not gonna lose/draw with the other jokes, so they're moving on. And if me auntie had bullocks she'd be me uncle.
2. USA - I agree with Jeremy that a big loss to England in the opener could rattle the Yanks. Gooch isn't the same Gooch, though he's repping the chops quite well -- respect. They need to nut up and play Edson and Herculez more. But really, Algeria and Slovenia?

Group D
1. Germany - Could very easily come out the No. 2 in a deep group, which would mean England in the first round of the knockout stage. Now that would be a brotastic tasty matchup.
2. Serbia - Cody has his love of the Black Stars (racist), I have my love of Eastern European thuggery/Vlade Divac flopping technique. The Serbs have a tough defense and will advance.

Group E
1. Netherlands - Oranje power. They're not gonna have their ladies there -- the WAGs are staying behind because of nutjob jihadist threats on the Dutch in particular. So they'll go hard and have fun and play loose.
2. Cameroon - Africa's best hope lucked into a good draw to get out of group play but their stay in the knockout stage will be much shorter.

Group F
1. Italy - Italy moves on easily because of a ridiculous draw. Maybe they'll gain confidence for another run.
2. Paraguay - Someone else has to make it out of this shit group. Sorry, not gonna be the Kiwis.

Group G
1. Brazil - They have so much talent, but it's almost like Team USA basketball. They can't simply put their best players out there, they have to find the right fit. So that's why some superduperstars are left off, you gotta have that 3-point shooter and the lockdown defender. At least that's my theory. Still, their B-team could make a run at the Cup.
2. Cote D'Ivoire - Drogba plays, provides an emotional lift and Africans the country over lay down their weapons and rejoice. OK, except for that last part. I'm convinced that North Korea is somehow going to crash the party. Beat someone or tie to mess things up. It could happen.

Group H
1. Spain - Lots of hosses but some injury concerns and a penchant for buggery on the big stage. They'll stumble eventually, probably, but they're too good to do it this early.
2. Chile - The Chileans and they're entertaining side will score lots of goal markers and make it through to the pitch stage.

Knockout round

A1 Mexico
E2 South Korea

Chicharito and Cuahtemoc team up to shoot down the South Koreans 2-1.

C1 England
D2 Serbia

The English team grinds out a very boring 1-0 or 2-1 game against the ugly-playing Serbs.

E1 Netherlands
F2 Paraguay

The freaky deeky Dutch couldn't have asked for a better Round of 16 draw. Thanks FIFA. 3-0.

G1 Brazil
H2 Chile

This will be a tight one, maybe 2-2 with Brazil winning on PKs or something crazy like that.

B1 Argentina
A2 France

Argentina unleashes the fury and France are exposed for the Zinedine Zidane-less frauds they are. 3-0.

D1 Germany
C2 USA

Two words: Bastian Schweinsteiger. Es ein mein scheizer. 2-0.

F1 Italy
E2 Cameroon

Vuvuzelas are going wild and my mute button will be on as the Cameroonians and diva Samuel Eto'o get past the reigning World Cup champs. So long, greasers. 2-1.

H1 Spain
G2 Ivory Coast

Tough draw for the Cotes, who can't match up with the Spainiards and lose 3-1.

Round of 8

Mexico vs. England
England already showed it figured out Mexico with a friendly beatdown at Wembley. More of the same this time around, with Mexico making it look respectable with a late marker. 2-1.

Netherlands vs. Brazil
Brazil goes down in the thriller of the tournament, a 3-2 slobberknocker that makes men weep and impregnates all ladies in attendance.

Argentina vs. Germany
Lionel Messi will simply take over and score a pair of first-half goals and the Germans will think they were hit by a Volkswagon. 3-1.

Cameroon vs. Spain
Africa's luck runs out as the Spaniards do the host nation no favors with a 4-1 thrashing of the Cameroon side, looking every bit the favorite that they are considered.

Final Four

England vs. Netherlands
England gives us its signature choke just one game before the final. The Dutch pick up the 1-0 win thanks to a strike from Wesley Sneijder.

Argentina vs. Spain
OK, so I wasn't very high on Spain in the prelims, but their draw is such that I think they'll make a run all the way to the title game. This one will be close, with Spain winning 2-1.

Title match
Netherlands vs. Spain
The Dutch go hard and get it done against Spain, 3-2. The Netherlands is one of the few sides that can actually match up with Spain's talent, for the most part. Spain gets its notable stumble in the big one and leaves empty-handed. Party in the red-light district.