Because, come on, fucking working on the Fourth of July? Though since I'm in charge of the schedule now, I should kick myself in my own nuts. Instead of someone else's. Here we go:
A New Hope
-Luke doesn't really seem fazed when he sees the charred bodies of his aunt and uncle. Not even a tear. Same goes for Princess Leia. Nothing when your home planet is blown up? If that happened to earth, you're just going to stand there and sell out Dun-tew-een.
-OK, how many murders, do you think, happen on a typical day at the Mos Eisley Cantina? Half-dozen? More? In the half hour or so that I assume Luke and friends were there, Obi-Wan carved up two fools with his lightsaber and then Han blasts poor Greedo. I would not want to be on that clean-up crew.
-C-3PO says he's not one for telling stories when Luke is cleaning the droids after the purchase, yet in Return of the Jedi he's telling stories to the ewoks.
-"That's no moon, it's a space station." You might as well put that on my grave.
-Completely unnecessary blaster fire into the telecom. Nice Han. Who are you? What's your identification number?
-Little short for a stormtrooper? How did Luke get a uniform that fit him? How come it's not loose?
-Seriously, how many people did Luke murder with that shot to blow up the Death Star? We're talking mass murder. How many people were on that thing? They couldn't have all been assholes. What about the contractors? The cafeteria crew? Did they agree with the Empire's politics? Probably not, it was just a good job with solid pay and then … boom, you're dead. This pretty much sums up my feelings:
Empire Strikes Back
-What was Luke thinking going back into the cold from the den of the abominable snow ogre? Just kill the damn thing and hang out in there for the night. Find a nice little nook and stay as warm as you can. If the snow creature's family comes around, kill them too. No problem.
-You look strong enough to pull the ears off a gondar.
-Is it really cost effective to build a rebel base on an ice planet? I mean, I get that you want to keep a low profile, but wouldn't all that extra gear and what-not cost a bundle? Stretch a buck, why don't you.
-C-3PO really did come through with the biggest cockblock ever.
-3PO also talks about the unlikely chances of navigating an asteroid field. Yet Vader insists on pursuing the Millennium Falcon in the field, with ships deployed to probe and bomb the surrounding areas. If it's so unlikely to survive, how many Imperial pilots are lost with this maneuver? Risk/reward, anyone?
-With some of Vader's antics, what is the reaction with some of his crazy ideas? Let's go to Hoth, they are there. Listen to me, assholes! I don't care if you think I'm wrong, I'm right. And also, if he's right 99 percent of the time, why wouldn't they always buy whatever he's selling? Come to him and say, what do you think, Vader? You're always right about this shit, what with your knowledge and all. Take the guesswork out of it.
Or should we take the crew's reaction to mean that most of the time Vader's just flat-out wrong, and we just see the parts that he gets right. Does he advise on matters and take them millions of miles off course? Completely blow it, every once in a while, only to say 'My bad' and blame it on an imbalance in The Force. That would be a nice out to have.
What's his standing with the rest of the crew? He's not really top commander or anything. He's more of a crazy consultant, if anything, who has superhuman powers.
-"With the rest of the garbage." –Princess Leia. Clutch.
-"How you doing, Chewbacca? Still hanging around with this loser?" Lando Calrissian. Even more clutch.
-"I love you." "I know." Most clutch. Han go hard, Cody. Han go real hard.
-Seriously, cutting off your son's hand? No matter how much he's being a spoiled little brat or whatever, dick move.
Return of the Jedi
-Silver lining in the rancor's death: at least the whole crew would be eating well for awhile. Steaks on the house for a month. Dibs on the T-bone.
-Give him this much: Jabba knew how to party.
- Admiral Ackbar is so pimp. "It's a trap." You think? Thanks buddy.
-Come on, just pick up one of those furry little ewoks and crack him over your knee. Would they even break the skin with those weak little spears?
-Does the Emporer ever just kick back and have a beer? Shoot the shit with Vader? Have a lady over? I mean, lighten the fuck up every once in a while. It can't be all take-over-the-galaxy all the time. Life balance. Life experiences, for that matter. Maybe he does a little water skiing on Kashyyk with the family, take a load off. Guy could use a suntan.
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3 comments:
A couple notes here:
1. "Seriously, how many people did Luke murder with that shot to blow up the Death Star? We're talking mass murder. How many people were on that thing? They couldn't have all been assholes. What about the contractors? The cafeteria crew? Did they agree with the Empire's politics? Probably not, it was just a good job with solid pay and then … boom, you're dead"....probably the best point ever made in the Star Wars universe. How many families were left without fathers because Luke is a schizophrenic who hears voices? How many people on that ship really even had a choice being there? What an incredible asshole. Go back to Tatooine and bullseye womprats in your t-16 you asshole. That's sport. Blowing up the Death Star is mass murder/genocide.
2. C-3P0...Blocking cock since 1977.
3. Han go so fucking hard it hurts. I actually watched a Star Wars documentary the other day. Apparently he was supposed to say 'I love you too' but Harrison decided to play it cool. Fucking nailed it.
4. Yeah, thanks Admiral Ackbar. Where's that intuition before you warp to hyperspeed? You know, before it's too late and thousands of Rebels die due to said 'Trap!). Douche.
2.
solid post Ro...solid post.
Where do I even begin?
1) The rebellion was clearly using 2nd hand snow gear on Hoth. These dudes were resourceful. They probably got that shit at Play-it-again-sports.
2) Intergalactic Civil War = One gigantic omelet
And when you make a gigantic omelet, you're going to break a shit-load of eggs. I prefer to look at the death star explosion much like the A-Bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki: Very sad in the short run, but over time it will save a shit-ton of lives.
3) Why are you so anal about the activity schedule of a Star Destroyer? A couple of million miles out of the way? What, were they supposed to warm up the turbolasers for the Pioneer Day Celebration or something?
4) I know. Carrie Fisher was not happy when Harrison backdoored her with this line. She had a 4-year public crush on him, and then he embarrasses her on film. Nic Cage would not have said that.
5) Couldn't enjoy the Rancor Meat, because they were all dead. More mass-murder, just like you requested.
6) Admiral Akbar was telling his hundreds of ships about the trap. Most of them were already engaged in dogfights, so he had to keep them up on the situation. Yeah, the four octopi beside him knew it was a trap, but everyone else could have just been dealing with the death star's normal defense crew. So give the slimy bastard a break, Mr. Perfect!!
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