I figured I was due for a conclusionary piece of my own considering I went bat shit crazy for this whole World Cup thing over the past five or so months.
Overall, it was a pretty satisfying tournament. It was no lobster bisque if you know what I mean, but rewarding nonetheless. We got to see plenty of awesome, whether it was in the form of Puyol's hair or a pair of scorching hot Brazillian fans. We saw some ups (last-minute goals) and a whole lot of downs (Ronaldo, Iniesta, Luis Suarez flopping). Wholesome fun all around though. Good stuff. Good times.
I don't know what I'm going to do for the next four years of my life while we wait for the next one. Watch baseball? No, that can't be right. I think the logical next step for me as a soccer fan is to pick up an English Premier League team. But that's another blog post for another time.
I digress (all over Rory's face). Below are some of the winners and losers of the World Cup, along with a few special awards.
Winners
Spain
Who else? They won the damn thing. Skipper Vicente Del Bosque appears to have this whole international competition thing figured out. Their style isn't the most exciting, but you can't argue with its results. The Spanish crave possession more than goals. They'll pass you to death in the first half while you run around in circles. If you ever happen upon the ball and try to advance it, you're met by a pair of bruising/ruthless center backs and a brick wall in goal.
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It's a time-tested method of winning matches and Spain seems to have perfected the formula. It also doesn't hurt that they have six or seven of the best players in the world, positionally-speaking, on their team. Plus, they have these two pulling for them...
Diego Maradona
The guy is a one-man show. From the sideline antics to his reaction to a question asking about his affection for his players, he's been priceless throughout the cup. I want people to start contacting him for his opinions on everything. LeBron screwing Cleveland on national tv, BP, Speidi, Darfur...I don't care. I want somebody to ask him his thoughts on absolutely everything. I'll volunteer my services for the greater good. Can you imagine?
Me: Hey Diego, it's nice to know you're doing well after all those death threats resulting from your saying that Aids victims were, and I quote, 'screwed by the angel of death'. There may have been some issues with the translation on that one. Anywho, what are your thoughts on global warming?
Maradona: (translated) I will beat ozone in one-on-one futbol match. Because I am a great futbol player. It has holes all over. Do you not think I can find those holes? I have a beautiful wife. And I make sweet love to her all of the time. I know how to find the hole. I will find your hole ozone.
Too Damn Tan
For its awesome coverage of the World Cup. Way to go team. :: Butt slap ::
German coach Joachim Loew Nose-picking strategies
Loew's tactics against Argentina and England were brilliant, but they were nothing in comparison to the strategy he used to attack his nasal cavity. See video below...
Yeah, take that booger...
Diego Forlan
The
Losers
Officiating/FIFA as a whole
Despite being in existence for a hundred or so years, FIFA refuses to admit failure or update their officiating protocol to match at least 20th century technology. You know what? I don't even need touchline technology. How about two more officials behind each goal? It would seriously cut down on the number of BS flops in the box and unnecessarily disallowed goals because their only job would be to watch what goes on around the goal. Now refs call fouls that they don't see and wave off goals that they don't have the angle to deny.
From an institution that has gone on record saying that it loves the element of human error in soccer, I don't expect this to happen. But a man can dream...
America
Seriously, what the hell was that? Bob Bradley himself couldn't have picked an easier route for his team. And what did they do with it? Tied an extremly overrated English team (on a fluke goal). Made the Slovenians look like a World XI squad (That's an all-star team made up of the best players in the world for those unawares) Needed a goal in the 93rd minute to beat fucking Algeria.
Still, they somehow managed to finish first in their group. Their reward? Avoiding every major power in the tournament until the semifinal. The other brackets had either Brazil or Netherlands, Spain, or Germany, Argentina and England.
All the Americans had to do was beat Ghana and Uruguay and they could have taken American soccer further than it's ever been before - not to mention give it a significant boost in popularity here. Instead, they come out in a familiar lackadaisical haze and allow an early goal to Ghana. For the 20 million some-odd fans that tuned in -- yeah, that's right. More than the World Series last year and this season's 'dream' NBA Finals matchup -- it didn't exactly make for great tv.
This was the golden chance for Uncle Sam's Half-ass Army and we blew it.
American Announcers
Please stop working games. Just know when you are out of your element. You are painful to listen to. I usually just mute the tv. Or watch the games on Univision. I'd be happy never hearing Alexi Lalas or John Harkes speak again.
Africa
For bringing the vuvuzuela into the world of sports. I will never forgive you guys for that.
AWARDS!!!
Biggest Bad Ass: Gerard Pique - He was bloody in nearly every match of the tournament and finished every one in typical brute fashion.
Biggest Flopper (read: Bitch): Luis Suarez/Christiano Ronaldo - If there is going to be a biggest bitch award, chances are Ronaldo earns it with his antics. But Suarez gave him a run for his money this go around.
Smartest Play: Luis Suarez' Hand Ball - The game was over if he hadn't punched the ball out. Soccer purists are railing the guy, but it was the smartest play he could possibly make. He kept his team alive and made the Ghanian try to earn it under pressure.
Most Disappointing Team: France - They've got a lot of competition in ITALIA! and the English but I've got to give it to the Frenchies. Not only did they fail to win a game or advance, they staged a coup d'état against the coaching staff and French Football Federation. Well done guys.
Most Disappointing Player: Wayne Rooney - Again, plenty of competition but Rooney takes the cake. For as hot as he was coming into the cup (injury or not), he really couldn't have underachieved any more. Plonker.
Ugliest Hair: Rigobert Song - Look at this goblin...
Best Hair: Carles Puyol - Puyol will win this in any tournament he ever plays in.
Co-MVPs: Diego Forlan/David Villa - Who else but my two boys?
Best Keeper: Iker Casillas - You can't really argue with the cup-winning keeper, especially when he allows two goals the entire tournament. Casillas was the man.
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1 comment:
couple notes here cod-piece:
1) next time break this up into 3 posts, so it doesn't take me 3 weeks to read.
2) actually that's the only note. i was gonna mention how you repeated all my greatest hits and how if there was an award for biggest douche you would have won, but I have too much class for that. way too much.
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