U.S.-Algeria Quick Hits

1. Holy shit.

2. Really...holy shit.

3. I don't know how much more Clint Dempsey can do and not score a goal. The guy was peppering the goal all day and couldn't buy a point. Not only Dempsey too. It seemed like the whole U.S. team was painting the Algerian goalie with shots and nothing would fall. If they had played 120 minutes, it probably would've finished 4-0 the way they were going.

4. It seemed to me like Algeria was content just taking a 0-0 draw. Maybe that's a good result for them. I don't know. But they just kept sitting back in their defensive half waiting for something to happen. Before the game, they needed to win by at least two goals to move on. And yet, they seemed happy enough sitting back and taking abuse from the Americans. Fucking Frenchies.

5. Landon Donovan. As a person, I basically loathe Landon Donovan. He's the kind of bro that you typically see at a frat party high-fiving all of his other bro-tastic bromen about that totally hot babe he just made out with. But on the soccer field, he is the fucking man. He's been spot on with his free kicks all tournament and has been one of only two hopes for an American goal. It was nice to see him clean up Dempsey's deflection.

6. I don't know how many more goals they can get taken away from them. This time Dempsey was clearly onsides before Gomez's awry attempt. And yet, the linesman felt it necessary to call it. FIFA must fucking loathe Americans.

7. I realized just know that my fandom for U.S. soccer has reached steep new heights. I cared about the world cup before. Obviously so, what with the new blog look and everything. But I kind of figured the U.S. would fizzle out early and be a disappointment like it usually is. That being said, I was up yelling at the top of my lungs for midfield balls that didn't matter to anybody today. I dare say that only the Pack matters more to me sports-wise at this point.

8. The U.S. just helped themselves into a very amiable situation. If everything plays out like it should today (Serbia beats Australia, Germany downs Ghana), the U.S. would play the Serbs. Then, if they can find a way past Nemanja Vidic and Co., they'd get the winner of Uruguay and South Korea. Not exactly a murderer's row of opponents to move on to the semis of a World Cup.

Of course, when does anything go how it should in the cup.

Round 3, fight

So we're through two rounds at the World Cup. There is one round left. Here are thoughts:

*France: What a shitstorm. The futbol authority organization or whatever is clearly at fault. The players knew the coach was out after the tourney. Why listen to the coxswain? It was a recipe for bad crepes.

*USA: US and A, very nice. Two draws, one against superior competition (well, what seemed like it) and one against inferior competition (a country with as many people as Fredonia. Or something like that). People always make a big deal about population, by the way. It's still 11-on-11. I think that's right. Just find 11 schlubs that can play footie and set them loose. Next song.

*Argentina: Are they going to take it all? They have the firepower. Just don't let Maradona sub himself in at the 26-minute mark, unless you have a hot dog in front of him like one of those dogs at the race track that think they're chasing a rabbit. Classic analogy. Good job Rory.

*England: Almost like they were jealous of the Frenchies. Oh, we can have our own mutiny. We'll overthrow our coach too, and then we'll have some tea and crumpets whilst we fight to another boring draw. Cheerio!

*Netherlands: Actually, the Dutch are winning it all. Sorry Argentina, you beef-eating steak-eaters, but the Hollanders have had their way with the group without Arjen Robben, that stabilizing force. They're gonna put it together and make a run.

*North Korea: Sorry, but that loss will only cost you the next 5-10 years of your life in the coal mines. Seriously. Well, probably seriously. A former coach said that has happened in the past. Thanks Portugal for running up the score to advance -- but to also embarrass a nation so thoroughly in front of a rare live TV audience that their lives will never be the same. What if I told you that sometimes, it is a matter of life or death.

Utes Pac it up, Pac it in

It was a seminal day for Utah athletics. Or was it? Here is reaction to the big news about Utah making a jump to the Pac-10.

Jer
Way to go Utes!

Or fuck you Utes.

So all that time all you annoying Utah fans talked shit about breaking up the system, busting up the BCS, you were full of shit. All along you just wanted to be part of that system. So now you are one of the monsters. Congratulations. Have fun going 4-8 every season!

I'm half-kidding. Of course you have to accept that bid. But all that expansion talk has got me thinking. The conferences may have started the move toward four mega-leagues, with four conference title games. That way, with the plus-one structure, you have a pseudo-playoff. Think about it, four 16-team groups with any stragglers who don't want in (ND?), or aren't good enough (Utah State, Wyoming) go back to a suddenly strong 1-AA. This shit could work.

On another level, I'd really like to see BYU (and somebody else) go to the Big 12. Those Texas bastards aren't really going without a conf. title game, are they?

Rorbag
Happy day!

The Utes can play for a national title, they get paid and they don't have to play Wyoming anymore -- wonderful success.

Not that they will play for a title anytime soon. But what do I know? I thought Whittingham was gonna run the program back into mediocrity, which he would have if BJ wasn't so clutch.

But back to the matter at hand. It'll take the Utes some years to catch up. Think about it. In the past, the Utes would get up for a one-game showdown with Oregon State, UCLA or Arizona -- middle of the road Pac-10 teams -- and then they'd move on to a few freebies with Colorado State, San Diego State and Wyoming.

The move means better recruits, right? Coaches can pitch a sexier conference, more eyes and lots of PT on the West Coast, but when it comes down to it, will that take a recruit away from Oregon, Washington or Arizona State? Prolly not. More than likely, it'll steal the recruits that were maybe considering BYU or other mid-majors. It's still Utah, and USC is still USC and Oregon is still Oregon. But at least they have a couple years to get a head start on recruiting.

Kyle
I couldn't care less. Who gives a shit.

Codpiece
Moving to the Pac-10 is an enormous step up for what we affectionately refer to as 'The Real U'. Even during the height of its success, the Mountain West Conference still paled in comparison to their neighbors to the west. Speaking in terms of football only (since the cash money made from football is the reason this is happening), the quality of teams top to bottom will be a true test for the Utes. Utah has proven they can play with some of the best teams in the nation, rolling through teams like Cal, Oregon State, Michigan, and nobody in the state or nation will soon forget the shellacking they put on Alabama in the Sugar Bowl during the 2008-09 season. Coach Kyle Whittingham and Co. have also racked up a 6-3 record against the Pac-10 over the past seven years.

So the question isn't whether or not they can compete against Pac-10 competition. My question is whether they have the depth to compete there on a week-by-week basis against that kind of competition. That's why I’m withholding optimism. I know the Jordan Wynn's (from Oceanside, California) and Eddie Wide's (Las Vegas, Nev.) of the team can compete, but what happens when they get hurt? Will we go to corn-fed Utah boy #1 or #2? Will an ailing Ute team plummet with perennial cellar-dwellar Washington State? Or can Whittingham, who has proven he can pull out-of-state talent like Vince Vaughn ala Swingers, use the new conference affiliation to grab fresh talent from Cali to give them a few insurance policy players?

I think he can and will do the latter, but it may be a rough couple years until that talent develops.

From a Pac-10 perspective, I'm imagining the Utes will be accepted the same way as generic medication. Commish Larry Scott and Co. wanted the good stuff (Texas, Oklahoma, etc.) but just couldn't afford it so they will have to settle on a lesser alternative. It does the trick, but it’s just not the same.

My prediction for Utah's first college football season in the Pac-10: 7-4.

Jeremyball

By Jeremy

Random Thoughts on Dumb Shit

Spain chokes
So those chokers from Spain didn't even wait for the knockout round to lose a big one. Here's a stupid piece of trivia: In the past three World Cups, only three teams have advanced past round one after losing their opener. That's three teams out of 24 groups. So in other words, good luck with all that you Spanish douchebags.

Back to the NBA
Dwight Howard is a tool. Alright he's not that bad, but something must be done about his nickname. Superman? Really? Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one? It is easily the second laziest nickname in sports behind 'Lefty'. Thanks for that one, to the horde of 60-year-old white men known as the golf media. Yeah I'm talking about you Jim Nantz. Pussy.

So here's my suggestion for a new nickname for Dwight Howard: Goliath

It refers to both his dominating physical stature, and his tendency to be a preachy Bible-Thumper.

Back to the vuvulzas
I know that's not how you spell it, but I can't muster even an ounce of 'give a shit'. Why are the Euros in futbol so whiny about everything? Give it a rest Pierre. And while you're at it, take a shower.

Utah Finally Making The Move

Long have we waited for this day.

The Pacific-10 Conference announced today that it has extended an invitation to the University of Utah to join the conference. The University of Utah will hold a press conference on Thursday, June 17 starting at 1 p.m. MT in Rice-Eccles Stadium.

See the release here.

I've kind of adopted a 'I'll believe it when I see it' mentality when told that the University of Utah is headed to the Pac-10. As a fan of University of Utah athletics for the past 15 or so years, I've learned that's the montra you have to adopt. Every year, we Ute fans have heard the same optimistic chorus of misleading banter.

"I heard the Pac-10 is going to expand to 12 and take BYU and Utah"

"Yeah, well so and so said that Utah and Boise State are in and they're going to split it in two divisions"

"No, no, that's wrong. Ohhhh Cody, you're hung like a circus mule."

Actually, I've definitely never heard that last one. But my point is that a move to the Pac-10 has been a carrot dangling in front of Utah fans’ faces for a long time. I can't remember how many times I've seen the two Salt Lake City newspapers -- the Deseret News (for Mormons) and The Salt Lake Tribune (for non-Mormons) -- say that a move to the Pac-10 is in the works. Having worked closely with the Utah Athletics Department for three years, I've even heard a Sports Information Director or two throw it out there.

But it's never happened. In the age of quick-trigger 'journalism' so often practiced by espn.com and the like, I've learned to not buy into hypotheticals or unnamed source stories. If I did, Urban Meyer would coach the Irish, Tom Izzo would be in Cleveland co-leading the Cavs with Lebron and Pat Forde would be God.

Now that the move is finally going to happen, I don't really know what to feel or think.

Tempered optimism. That's all I can muster at this point.

Opening weekend soccer futbol thought pieces

We're three days deep into the Wrold Cup. Hooray. With the first weekend of darby pitch action in the rearview, let's take a look back and review some of the things I want to talk about whilst ignoring boring shit. On to it.

1. America, fuck yeah
In a game that should've been 5-0 for the England side if not for Timmy Howard, somehow those crafty Yanks willed their way to a Revolutionary draw for one point. It bodes well that they can produce little if any offense for much of the match and still get a tie. There was the fluke goal and the Ed-Bud's shot off the post in the second half. I can't remember much else. At least they get two weaklings to figure shit out after the big result.

2. German craftiwork
Germany made the 'Roos look like a pile of hot garbage on the pitch. That's how you play in form. If I remember correctly, and I do since I just looked it up, I said ze Germans could even come in second in what looked like a dangerous group. After hanging a 4-nil spot on the Ozzies, the Germs are looking pretty safe unless they absolutely shit the bed.

3. Maradona is fat and awesome
If only he weren't old and hefty. He looked like he wanted to play out there for Argentina, and quite frankly they could've used some of his finishing capability in a weak 1-0 win. Every time the ball went to the sideline, Maradona was happy to do a little dribbling or give it a little scoop to a waiting player. It's like he was auditioning or something. Don't be surprised if he subs himself in their next contest.

4. Always bet on black
Respect to Mexico's black jerseys, and not so much to the South Africans blowing their vuvuzelas for 18 straight hours in the Mexico-South Africa match. It's like a swarm of bees, or locusts, or a small prop plane. Whatever you fancy, it grows tiresome.

Mexico lacked form in finishing, and The Boys The Boys almost pulled off the shocker. I'm half glad they didn't, because there probably would've been at least some light rioting on the streets of L.A. if they had. Though I was in Santa Monica at the time, so I would've been fine. Racist.

5. Score a little
I mean, come on, I know goals are a little more scarce in the World Cup, but what the hell? I'm screwed in a lot of my pick'ems because I didn't have many 1-0 or 1-1 games. Plonker alert. I guess I'll just have to wait until Brazil are on the pitch. Yes, Brazil are instead of Brazil is. That's when you know you've got the darby pitch fever.

Top Dirty Tackle links of the week:
- The ol' elephant traffic jam trick
- You will be Terminated. I wonder if they'll watch Predator before their next game. If so, world be warned.
- He's a man, he's 30!
- David Beckham matchface

England-USA belated quick hits

1. Tim Howard proved without a shadow of a doubt that he was the best American...scratch that, the best soccer player in the derby yesterday. Ricardo Clark gave Steven Gerrard a freebie in front of the net. No goalie is going to stop that. Howard withstood a barrage of firing range shots from the likes of Gerrard, Rooney, and Lampard, not to mention a couple cleats to the rib cage. We're still waiting to hear the severity of Howard's injury, but judging by how he responded following the collision, I can't imagine even broken ribs would hold him out of the rest of the tournament.

2. The Gooch is hard. Cherundolo did his part to shut down England's speedy wingers, but the beast in the middle was as solid as ever. Rooney and Emile Heskey had a couple decent runs throughout the first half and into the second, but Ye held strong and deflected quite a few of them. Hell, even Big Bird (Peter Crouch) couldn't climb over the stout back.

3. Rooney was basically a non-factor for the first 75 minutes. He had a couple near-misses late in the game, but other than that DeMerit and Onyewu had him on lock down. Every time he got the ball deep or was making a run, a blue jersey was all over him.

4. Vuvuzelas need to be outlawed. Those fucking horns are just stupid. Can ESPN at least turn down the stadium audio so we can't hear them?

5. Robert Green's gift goal. I almost feel bad for the guy. Almost. But he plays for those damn dirty Brits so screw him. I don't think too many middle school goalies would have struggled handling Dempsey's ambitious punch shot. Thanks Mr. Green. You're my hero.

6. A tie is a win. It's amazing how much better England is than the U.S. You could tell that the English were desperate and frustrated that they weren't slaughtering the Americans by the tone of play late. English forwards and middies alike were peppering Howard with shot attempts at a feverish pace. We'd recover possession, then promptly boot it down field where they'd collect and then give another go. The ball rarely left their attacking half the last 20 or so minutes of play.

----------------------

Slovenia beating Algeria in the opener wasn't a shocker, but it does put the U.S. and England alike into a hole. The Americans are going to be in more trouble if they don't hand Slovenia a loss on Friday. A draw is not really good enough because Goal Differential is a whore who toys with you and then steals your dreams. That being said, the last match in Group C is U.S. vs. Algeria so regardless they should know what they need to win by to advance.

Pick a weiner

OK, just in the nick of time, here are my picks for World Cup 2010, the event of the world of a lifetime in South Africa.

Group play

Group A
1. Mexico - Their form is ripe for the pitch. Chicharito is going to do some dirty things and they'll surprise Les Bleus for a top-of-the-order finish.
2. France - Sorry South Africa, but Bafana Bafana aren't making it through. Too much talent for the Frenchies to bomb out this early.

Group B
1. Argentina - Still not sold on these guys because of batshit crazy Maradona, but with the firepower they have they'll at least outclass the rest of Group B.
2. South Korea - Outside of the Argentines this group is wide open with South Korea, Greece and Nigeria. Here's to the Koreans edging Nigeria for the last spot in the pitch darby advancement placing.

Group C
1. England - England got a tasty draw that should bode well for their confidence heading into the knockout stage. Even if they draw with the USA they're not gonna lose/draw with the other jokes, so they're moving on. And if me auntie had bullocks she'd be me uncle.
2. USA - I agree with Jeremy that a big loss to England in the opener could rattle the Yanks. Gooch isn't the same Gooch, though he's repping the chops quite well -- respect. They need to nut up and play Edson and Herculez more. But really, Algeria and Slovenia?

Group D
1. Germany - Could very easily come out the No. 2 in a deep group, which would mean England in the first round of the knockout stage. Now that would be a brotastic tasty matchup.
2. Serbia - Cody has his love of the Black Stars (racist), I have my love of Eastern European thuggery/Vlade Divac flopping technique. The Serbs have a tough defense and will advance.

Group E
1. Netherlands - Oranje power. They're not gonna have their ladies there -- the WAGs are staying behind because of nutjob jihadist threats on the Dutch in particular. So they'll go hard and have fun and play loose.
2. Cameroon - Africa's best hope lucked into a good draw to get out of group play but their stay in the knockout stage will be much shorter.

Group F
1. Italy - Italy moves on easily because of a ridiculous draw. Maybe they'll gain confidence for another run.
2. Paraguay - Someone else has to make it out of this shit group. Sorry, not gonna be the Kiwis.

Group G
1. Brazil - They have so much talent, but it's almost like Team USA basketball. They can't simply put their best players out there, they have to find the right fit. So that's why some superduperstars are left off, you gotta have that 3-point shooter and the lockdown defender. At least that's my theory. Still, their B-team could make a run at the Cup.
2. Cote D'Ivoire - Drogba plays, provides an emotional lift and Africans the country over lay down their weapons and rejoice. OK, except for that last part. I'm convinced that North Korea is somehow going to crash the party. Beat someone or tie to mess things up. It could happen.

Group H
1. Spain - Lots of hosses but some injury concerns and a penchant for buggery on the big stage. They'll stumble eventually, probably, but they're too good to do it this early.
2. Chile - The Chileans and they're entertaining side will score lots of goal markers and make it through to the pitch stage.

Knockout round

A1 Mexico
E2 South Korea

Chicharito and Cuahtemoc team up to shoot down the South Koreans 2-1.

C1 England
D2 Serbia

The English team grinds out a very boring 1-0 or 2-1 game against the ugly-playing Serbs.

E1 Netherlands
F2 Paraguay

The freaky deeky Dutch couldn't have asked for a better Round of 16 draw. Thanks FIFA. 3-0.

G1 Brazil
H2 Chile

This will be a tight one, maybe 2-2 with Brazil winning on PKs or something crazy like that.

B1 Argentina
A2 France

Argentina unleashes the fury and France are exposed for the Zinedine Zidane-less frauds they are. 3-0.

D1 Germany
C2 USA

Two words: Bastian Schweinsteiger. Es ein mein scheizer. 2-0.

F1 Italy
E2 Cameroon

Vuvuzelas are going wild and my mute button will be on as the Cameroonians and diva Samuel Eto'o get past the reigning World Cup champs. So long, greasers. 2-1.

H1 Spain
G2 Ivory Coast

Tough draw for the Cotes, who can't match up with the Spainiards and lose 3-1.

Round of 8

Mexico vs. England
England already showed it figured out Mexico with a friendly beatdown at Wembley. More of the same this time around, with Mexico making it look respectable with a late marker. 2-1.

Netherlands vs. Brazil
Brazil goes down in the thriller of the tournament, a 3-2 slobberknocker that makes men weep and impregnates all ladies in attendance.

Argentina vs. Germany
Lionel Messi will simply take over and score a pair of first-half goals and the Germans will think they were hit by a Volkswagon. 3-1.

Cameroon vs. Spain
Africa's luck runs out as the Spaniards do the host nation no favors with a 4-1 thrashing of the Cameroon side, looking every bit the favorite that they are considered.

Final Four

England vs. Netherlands
England gives us its signature choke just one game before the final. The Dutch pick up the 1-0 win thanks to a strike from Wesley Sneijder.

Argentina vs. Spain
OK, so I wasn't very high on Spain in the prelims, but their draw is such that I think they'll make a run all the way to the title game. This one will be close, with Spain winning 2-1.

Title match
Netherlands vs. Spain
The Dutch go hard and get it done against Spain, 3-2. The Netherlands is one of the few sides that can actually match up with Spain's talent, for the most part. Spain gets its notable stumble in the big one and leaves empty-handed. Party in the red-light district.

World Cup Breakdown: Group H

Team	Odds To Win Cup
1. Spain	4-to-1
2. Switzerland	200-to-1
3. Chile	50-to-1
4. Honduras	500-to-1

Group A Breakdown
Group B Breakdown
Group C Breakdown
Group D Breakdown
Group E Breakdown
Group F Breakdown
Group G Breakdown

What do you get for being the number one team in the world? How about the easiest group in the tournament? The team dubbed 'The World's Biggest Underachievers' will have to try pretty hard to screw it up this go-around. And considering they're loaded with more soccer stars than any Spanish team in history, anything short of the final will be a disappointment.

They boast a roster loaded with Spanish and English-league talent that is unrivaled. The focal points are the do-it-all FC Barcelona midfielders Andres Iniesta and Xavi. They can thread some pretty insane passes through the defense. Check it out.

They'll be feeding passes to two of the most prolific scorers in the world in David Villa and Fernando Torres. I have a feeling that with the shoddy competition Spain is facing in group play, my boy Villa is going to win the Golden Boot.

Opponents quiver in fear of La Furia Roja's backline, mostly because the wild-maned Carlos Puyol stands front and center back there. Seriously, who wouldn't run the opposite direction if they saw this coming at them?

Then you factor in Iker Casillas, who just may be the best goalie in the world despite his undersized frame (5-foot-11, 185 lbs.), and you've got a side that could challenge any team in the world -- club or national level.

The amiable championship route gets a big tougher for the Spaniards once they hit the knockout stage, but it's still doable. Once they roll past the initial round of high school competition, they'll likely face an overrated Portugal side that relies too heavily on one player in the round of 16. Win that and they'll probably get Italy, who, despite what "Rory" says, is a fraction of the team that won the Cup four years ago. Regardless of whether they're hard or not, if my team drew Italy in the quarterfinals, I would be fucking elated. Win that and they're probably looking at an intriguing juggernaut match-up with Argentina in the semifinal.

In recap, they will have successfully avoided Brazil, England, Germany and the Netherlands and probably even the U.S. (the only team that has beaten them in the last 47 matches)! Yup. I just used my first exclamation point ever on Too Damn Tan. Gay, I know. So yes, I expect Spain to roll. At least to the semis.

Who will finish second in this group? It depends on which Suazo scores more. Will it be Honduras' David Suazo, the former Inter striker whose golden age has since passed? Or will Chile's Humberto Suazo, fresh off a solid first season with Real Zaragoza (Spain), be the go-to Suazo in this group? With the recent quake, the sentimental favorite has to be Chile. But I can't knowingly pick a team that hasn't won a World Cup game since 1962. Meanwhile, Honduras is bad enough to not be competitive in the MLS. Wait, I have a third option? Oh good, I'll take the Swiss then.

World Cup Breakdown: Group G

Teams	Odds To Win Cup
Brazil	11-to-2
Portugal	20-to-1
Ivory Coast	25-to-1
North Korea	1000-to-1

Group A Breakdown
Group B Breakdown
Group C Breakdown
Group D Breakdown
Group E Breakdown
Group F Breakdown

I know the goal of the World Cup is to win the damn thing, but playing your best player in a friendly leading up to it just to achieve 'form' or whatever the fuck is just stupid. I'm referring, of course, to Ivory Coast manager Sven-Goran Eriksson's decision to play the best player to ever grace an Ivorian uniform in a game that doesn't matter a week before the Cup starts. For God's sake, the guy stopped a civil war. His involvement in the cup is more than kicking a ball. Why risk that on a game that doesn't mean anything to anybody?

I really wanted to take the Ivory Coast over an overrated Portugal side. I really did. But with their only real scoring threat on the mend (Salomon Kalou can score, but he can't carry a team like Drogba), I can't bring myself to pick Les Elephantes over Portugal. That pretty boy Christiano Ronaldo actually is pretty damn good at the game of soccer (which is too bad). He has plenty of help too. Deco, Pepe and Raul Meireles hold down the middle with him and do a pretty damn good job of distribution as Portugal has scored six goals in the past two friendlies against Cameroon and Mozambique. Man U attacking mid Nani will be out of the world cup with a bruised collarbone (ahem...pansy...ahem), but , but Portugal should still handle Ivory Coast in a close one and capture a knock-out round invite.

Meanwhile, Brazil rolls into the World Cup on an absolute tear. Coach Carlos Dunga has whipped the pretty boy out of the Selecaos and created a defensive juggernaut in its place. He caught a lot of flack for his exclusion of Ronaldinho, but I feel like it was well deserved. Ronaldinho was a complete screw-off the last go-around. Plus, he made Dunga look stupid when he played against him (see below). Not a good idea to make the coach look dumb.

Anyways, Dunga has whipped a solid squad into shape. The defensive core features three of Inter Milan's mainstays in goalkeeper Julio Caesar and defenders Maicon and Lucio. Their midfield is an absolutely stupid collection of talent, boasting world-class gems like Elano, Gilberto Silva and the always-delightful Kaka. I've never been sold on Luis Fabiano up front, as he has been known to throw a girly tantrum or two, but I suppose he gets the job done up front and should be commended for that. I expect Brazil to do well this tournament. In fact, I'm going to post a large number of coin in Vegas this weekend in hopes that they do. Let's all pray they live up to potential, and not down to reality.

North Korea is a sorry collection of soccer folk. To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out how they snuck past the FIFA watchdogs and into the tournament. I'll notify officials immediately.

World Cup Breakdown: Group F

Team	Odds To Win Cup
Italy	10-to-1
Paraguay	40-to-1
Slovakia	150-to-1
New Zealand	1000-to-1

I'm with Jeremy. I absolutely hate how easy those cheese-eating Italians have it in group play. Hell, even when they win their group, they're going to draw a patsy in the Danes or Cameroon in the round of 16. After that though, they're going to get exposed for what they really are against Brazil or Portugal.

Italy is old as sin and don't have any legitimate scoring threats. Still, they're going to pummel the shit out of these teams. Not because they are good, but because their competition is shit. Paraguay is its most difficult match-up. Paraguay? Fucking really? Why don't we just truck eleven special Olympians out there and see how they fare? All asshole comments aside, Italy is going to roll. No analysis needed.

Second place is going to a tight race between Slovakia and Paraguay....a very tight race which absolutely nobody cares about so I'm not even going to break this down. Paraguay will finish second by default.

Oh yeah, New Zealand qualified and is in this group too. There, I'm done.

World Cup Breakdown: Group E

Team	Odds To Win Cup
1. Netherlands	12-to-1
2. Cameroon	80-to-1
3. Denmark	100-to-1
4. Japan	300-to-1

Group A Breakdown
Group B Breakdown
Group C Breakdown
Group D Breakdown

There isn't a more well-rounded side than the Flying Dutchmen. Those reefer-toking Netherlanders don't have a Kaka or David Villa, but what they do have is a quality player at every single position. Nigel de (Bong) Jong (Manchester City), Mark van Bommel (Bayern Munich) and Wesley Sneijder (Inter) ply their midfield trade on some of the best teams in the world and start for the national team. Up front, more gold in Dirk Kuyt, Robin Van Persie and Arjen Robben. The backline isn't exactly a picture of youthful soccer exuberance -- averaging almost 30 years old -- but they get the job done.

Also, they've gone hard all the way through qualifying -- scoring 17 goals and only allowing two in eight wins -- and have been rolled through friendlies against U.S., Mexico, Ghana and Hungary. There's no reason to think that they won't keep the momentum going against similar competition in Group E, even after Robben's dipshit maneuver/resulting injury when they were up 6-1 in the 86th fucking minute against Hungary. I'm going with the Oranje in a clean sweep.

Fighting to qualify for the knockout round will be evenly-matched Cameroon and Denmark sides. Led by All-World striker Samuel Eto'o, the Indomitable Lions play a fast-paced style of ball that's worth waking up for...except if they have one of those 5:30 a.m. PST start times. They should score a fair amount of goals, most of which will come from Eto'o. The problem is, they don't really know how to play D. Think 2005-08 Phoenix Suns. Exciting to watch, yes. But the style of play isn't made for deep tourney runs.

Meanwhile, the Danes play on the opposite end of the spectrum. Slow. Methodical. Fucking boring. Think San Antonio Spurs circa Always....but without the success or championships. This style of ball, popularized by coach Morten Olsen, has led them to highs and lows over the past couple years. They did win a qualifying round match-up outright over Portugal (3-2) and tied them another time (1-1), and went on to win the group and secure an automatic bid. But Olsen's Eleven also have head-scratching losses to Hungary, Austria and South Africa on their resume.

The Danes will need big performances from mainstays Daniel Agger and the injury-prone Nicklas Bendtner in order to advance. I don't see it happening. Cameroon will keep the hopes of Africa alive at least until the knockout round.

Japan sucks. But at least the Blue Samurai have this guy pulling for them...

Probably The Best Commercial In The History Of Man

Soccer, Snoop and Star Wars. I'm convinced Adidas made this advertisement just for me...and Too Damn Tan.

World Cup Breakdown: Group D

Team	Odds To Win Cup
1. Germany	14-to-1
2. Serbia	50-to-1
3. Australia	150-to-1
4. Ghana	100-to-1

No Group in this World Cup is more ripe for parity than Group D. It's not so much a 'Group of Death' as it is a 'Group of teams that are just good enough to beat each other but probably not any teams after this round' group. You'd think the Germans, a.k.a. Die Mannschaft...a.k.a. Das Wunkerkind's Homeland, would be the front runner, and you'd be correct. But the injury to midfield centerpiece Michael Ballack a month ago is a bruising blow. Couple that with the death by suicide of all-world goalkeeper Robert Enke last year and an injury to his backup Rene Adler and the playing field levels off considerably for Group D.

The old workhorses in Die Mannschaft's lineup will be called upon to carry even more weight than normal. That means Rory's boy Bastian Schweinsteiger and Lukas Podolski will have to be ever vigilant roaming the middle. It doesn't hurt, of course, to have a striker like 2006 Golden Boot winner Miroslav Klose, who has scored five goals in consecutive World Cups for the Germs. Klose is being called upon to be even more of a focal point of the offense this year despite the fact that he's been around since Hitler's reign.

All things considered, I still expect Germany to take Group D. The rest of the teams could just as easily win the group outright though. Serbia boasts a backline that draws an envy from about every other team in the cup so goals will be difficult to come by against hardened defenders like Nemanja Vidic, Branislav Ivanovic and the rest of the 'Vic's'.

Serbia will have its hands full with Australia and Ghana though. The Socceroos are a tournament-tested team riddled with veterans. They suffered a bruising 3-1 defeat at the hands of the Americans on Saturday morning that could've been a lot worse, but should bounce back and make a run at second place. Midfielder Tim Cahill is really their only offense though so if he's off, it's going to be a long tournament for the Aussies.

Meanwhile Ghana is rocking what is simultaneously the coolest and most apropos nickname in the tournament as the Black Stars. Unfortunately, its biggest star, Michael Essien, will be sitting out for the cup with a knee injury. Ghana will need big production out of younger stars in the middle like Kevin Boateng-Prince and Kwadwo Asamoah to repeat a return trip to the knockout round.

Ultimately, I don't see it happening. I think the Serbian defense will stonewall all but Germany and the White Eagles will advance.

Group A Breakdown
Group B Breakdown
Group C Breakdown

World Cup Picks

Since we can't wait around for Cody's 11-part opus on the World Cup, I'm gonna make like a younger Jeremy racing everybody to the door. Last one in's a rotten egg. And just like those days I will kick Rory in the balls, chuck Kyle to the ground, and throw the Codester into the same tree where Bubby Wubby is hanging.

World Cup Preview-Jeremy style

You know what that means, no research, no soccer background, no knowing more than one player on each team. Just picks.

Group A
France and Uruguay
I always thought Ribery was a goofy motherfucker, now it turns out he's calling 14-year-old hookers. If you can't get laid as a soccer superstar in Europe without paying, well you have to be this little French asshole. South Africa may put up a good fight, but they ain't getting out of round one.

Group B
Argentina and Nigeria
Of course I'm rooting for a naked-Maradonna to run through the streets naked. That's just good tv. Also, Africa is gonna represent. Look it up, fuckers, the home continent always dominates. The Nigerians will stroll into round two.

Group C
England and Algeria
Sorry Team USA. A gimpy Onyewu(the best American non-goalie), combined with a decades-long inability to score in the cup, plus the scrappy Algerian defense and the aforementioned home-continent advantage, equals another early exit for the U.S. Americans. They will fall badly to the Brits and then never recover.

Group D
Serbia and Ghana
Here's my big upset of round one. The Germans will go down early. The world will finally pay them back for WW1 and 2, and years of dominance on the pitch(whatever the fuck that means)..

Group E
Netherlands and Cameroon
Those stoners from Holland are the team who I'm rooting for. But they'll show up late for a big game sometime. Blame the weed.

Group F
Italy and Paraguay
Those cheesy Italians got the easiest draw in history. Shit.

Group G
Brazil and Portugal
Drogba is out. Not really a Group of Death anymore, is it? It doesn't matter, those bastard Brazilians will win it all regardless.

Group H
Spain and Switzerland
You would think the best team in the world would be able to make it out of group play.

Knockout

The clock will strike midnight on the four remaining African Cinderellas. Is that racist? Is it more or less racist if I change the movie reference to the Lion King? The other big story of round one will be the Brazilians lucking out in PK's to beat a punchy Swiss team.

The final eight will be seven heavyweights plus Serbia. This will lead to a dream final four of Brazil and England, along with Spain and Argentina.

The English have no chance to beat Brazil with their 49 year old goalie. Spain and Argentina should be a classic, as long as Diego doesn't feel his legacy is threatened by Messi's greatness.

In the finale, I like the Argentines to edge Brazil in PK's, to take the WC back to Buenos Aires. Maradonna will be dancing naked in the streets, so proud that he found a way to not screw it up. He will then snort an entire kilo of coke to celebrate.

World Cup team nickname fun time

Before I get down to the nuts and bolts of picking a winner for realsies, let's tackle a perhaps more important subject: team nicknames. If teams were based solely on their nicknames, who would advance? Hmm, interesting question, let's find out …

Group A
South Africa – Bufana Bufana (the boys, the boys)
Mexico – El Tri
Uruguay – Charruas, the Olympic Blue Sky
France – Les Bleus (the Blues)

Bufana Bufana sounds a lot better than the boys, the boys, which is a bit petter ass. El Tri is simple and effective, while Charruas sounds like churro or chorizo, which gets me hungry. But Charruas gets cancelled out by the co-nickname Olympic Blue Sky, which makes me think of the Turquoise Spirit. Les Blues is kind of cool, but you have to say it in a French accent, which makes pretty much everything sound feminine.
Advancing: 1. Mexico, 2. South Africa

Group B
Argentina – Albicelestes, (White and Sky blue)
Nigeria - Super Eagles
South Korea – Tigers of Asia, Red Devils
Greece – Ethniki (the National)

Albicelestes sounds like incest with albinos, so I'm gonna leave it alone. Just not my thing. Also makes me think of Albi the Racist Dragon since I just went to the Flight of the Conchords show (lolls). Super Eagles doesn't do much for me, so Tigers of Asia and Ethniki get the nods.
Advancing: 1. Greece, 2. South Korea

Group C
England – The Three Lions
U.S. – The Yanks
Algeria – Desert Foxes
Slovenia – Zmajceki (Dragons)

Yanks is a bit sexual but conjures up too much of the baseball-destroying Yankees (though the Red Sox are just as bad, especially because of their fans). And plus, Yanks was a term for the north during the Civil War, so it's not really all-emcompassing if you're a Southerner or a Western United Statesian. Not sure there's anything less menacing than Desert Foxes (oh wait, Bufani Bufani maybe). The Three Lions is stellar and so is Zmajceki, even before you realize it's what they call a dragon.
Advancing: 1. Slovenia, 2. England

Group D
Germany – The Team, Nationalmannschaft
Australia – Socceroos
Serbia – White Eagles
Ghana – Black Stars, Brazil of Africa

Germany was looking at an early ouster with quite possibly the most generic nickname ever created, The Team. But put it in German and act like you're clearing your throat and you get Nationalmannschaft. Even sounds erotic with the schaft at the end. Fucking Germans, nothing changes. That's the early clubhouse leader for the WC nickname Cup. The Aussies snazzy anything up with a little -oos at the end – they're through for it. White Eagles is another dud and Black Stars is a bit racist. And why be the Brazil of Africa? Be the Ghana of Africa. Are you too good for your home? Answer me!
Advancing: 1. Germany, 2. Socceroos

Group E
Netherlands – Oranje, Flying Dutchman
Denmark – Olsen's Eleven, Olsen Gang, Danish Dynamite
Japan – Samurai Blue
Cameroon – Indomitable Lions

This might very well be the Group of Death with the Oranje/Flying Dutchmen (both are gold in my book), the Samurai Blue and the Indomitable Lions. Not exactly sure why Olsen has been leading his gang for going on 30 years now, but who gives a rat's ass. They should ditch all of the Olsen garbage and just go by the Danish Dynamite. Or the Dane Glaziers. This is a tough one but the Samurais are left out and the Indomitable Lions are through.
Advancing: 1. Netherlands, 2. Cameroon.

Group F
Italy – Azzurri
Paraguay – Guaranies, the White and Red
New Zealand – All Whites, Kiwis
Slovakia - Repre

Doesn’t get much better than the Azzurri. As for New Zealand, it's simple, classic and a bit racist – success. Guaranies and Repre? Sorry but you're lame.
Advancing: Italy, New Zealand

Group G
Brazil – O Canarinho (Little Canary), A Selecao (the Selection), Verde-Amarelho (green-yellow)
North Korea – Chollima (mythical Korean winged horse)
Ivory Coast – the Elephants
Portugal – Seleccao das Quinas (team of the five shields), Corners of Selection

C'mon Brazil, how many nicknames do you need? No matter, they all pretty much blow, though they sound better in Portuguese. North Korea should enjoy this, because it will be the only advancing it does out of Group G. Chollima sounds Spanish, but when you throw in the winged horse bit, I'm sold. The Elephants is effective if not nonsensical. Sorry Portugal, this is a tough group (even for non-soccer related activities).
Advancing 1. Ivory Coast. 2. North Korea

Group H
Spain – La Furia Roja (the Red Fury)
Switzerland – Schweizer Nati, La Nati
Honduras - Los Catrachos, La Bicolor
Chile - La Roja (The Red One)

La Furia Roja for sure – in any language that sounds bad ass. None of the other three carry much cachet with me and will probably be eliminated in the first round of the knockout stage, so let's go ….
Advancing: 1. Spain. 2. Honduras

Honorable mention (awesome but didn't make the WC):
Colombia: The Coffee Growers, Egypt: Pharoahs, Central African Republic: Low-Ubangui Fawns (wtf???), Papua New Guinea: Golden Bird of Paradise.

Dumbest
Finland: Eurasion Eagle-Owls

I'll let this simmer and then send out my picks for the nickname knockout round. Because that's how I roll.

(If you're curious, here's a shitload more nicknames in the form of a sporcle quiz: http://www.sporcle.com/games/nowachi/nationalfootballteamnames)

World Cup Breakdown: Group C

Team	Odds To Win Cup
England	11-to-2
USA	50-to-1
Slovenia	200-to-1
Algeria	250-to-1

The most anticipated derby (you're welcome Ro) in the group stages of the World Cup may very well take place on the second day. Most of Europe and at least six or seven different households in the U.S. will have eyes affixed on next Saturday's tilt between the Three Lions and Them Damn Yanks. Will the Motherland take care of business? Can Wayne Rooney and Co. live up to expectations this time around and start off by rolling over the country it once colonized? Does anybody in America even give a shit?

In the grand scheme of things though, the game doesn't matter. Regardless of the outcome, the two teams need only to take care of business against the weaker Slovenia and Algeria sides to advance to the knockout round of the tournament.

Still, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm full rod at the prospect of America, once colonized by the Redcoats, taking those pesky Brits down a few pegs in their own game. I think it's pretty safe to say that it's not going to happen though. They could be dealt a chemistry-jarring sex scandal, a handful of injuries and a starting striker with the mind of a five-year-old and they'd probably still wax us. Wait, that's happened? Oh...well still, the U.S. face an uphill climb against the Brits on June 12th.

The aforementioned five-year-old-minded striker, Wayne Rooney, played out of his mind for Man U this past season, finishing second in the EPL only to Chelsea's Didier Drogba on a cheap last-day hat trick. He was slightly hobbled by groin and knee injuries, but should be back in tip top shape for the U.S. meeting. Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard patrol the middle of the field without regard for the opposition, and dole out long passes in ways that would make Steve Nash envious.

The only real hole for The Three Lions is in a fairly problematic area. Joe Cole's libido successfully drove starting left back Wayne Bridge off the team, leaving a gaping void in the English defense. Couple that with Rio Ferdinand's Cup-ending knee injury on Friday and you're looking at holes that can be exploited by Dempsey, Donovan and the rest of Uncle Sam's crew.

Even if the Yanks can crank out a goal or two, I think Fabio Capello will find plenty of holes to exploit in the U.S. defense and thus, escape with a win and the inside track in Group C.

As stated previously though, all of the hoopla surrounding this game is moot. The U.S. and England need only to take care of business against the weaker Slovenian and Algerian teams. I think the U.S. is going to lay down the wood on Algeria, and they may very well need the goal support for Differential's sake. Algeria exports most of its players to more talented European leagues, but when you get them all on the same pitch, they look a little disjointed and sloppy.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that the Slovenians worry me a little bit. They don't concern themselves with fancy things like goals. All they do is play defense. Big...bruising...defense. Their defensive-minded approach led them to a qualifying win over heavily favored Russia. The best thing that can happen for the U.S. is a draw Between Slovenia and Algeria in June 13th. If Slovenia hands Algeria a loss, it's gonna be a tight race for No. 2. All things considered, I think the U.S. is going to pull through by the skin of its teeth and advance to the knockout stage.

World Cup Breakdown: Group B

Group B:

Team	Odds To Win Cup
1. Argentina	13-to-2
2. Nigeria	100-to-1
3. Greece	150-to-1
4. South Korea	300-to-1

There are only two things that can stop Argentina from making a run to the title in the 2010 World Cup. One is their eccentric manager, Diego Maradona, who has the distinct ability to create a number of headlines and distractions for his side.

If Maradona can keep his ego in check and focus on X's and O's in South Africa, then the only thing the Argentines need to be weary of is defense on the edges. The aforementioned ego of Maradona went with far less experienced options in naming his 23-man roster earlier this year, choosing far less-experienced options like Nicolas Otamendi (Velez Sarfield - Argentina) and Clemente Rodriguez (Espanyol) over the cunning Javier Zanetti (Inter) or even Esteban Cambiasso -- who plays more of a defensive midfield. At any rate, this Argentine squad is ripe for openings on the perimeter.

Luckily for the Argentines, it doesn't really matter how many goals they let up. Maradona carries possibly the most talented attacking group of all nations in the world cup to South Africa, so they'll be able to outscore almost any opponent. The diminutive Lionel Messi -- widely considered to be the best futbol player on the planet -- is just the tip of the iceberg. Maradona has his pick of Diego Milito, Gonzalo Higuaín, Sergio Aguero and Carlos Tevez to couple with Messi up top at any moment. Milito basically won Inter the Champions League. Higuaín scored 27 goals in 28 games for Real Madrid. Tevez is lightning in a bottle. And Aguero is...well, he's married to Maradona's daughter (he's pretty good at kicking a ball too).

Expect Argentina to rifle through the competition in Group B, which is subpar at best. If Messi is playing like his mentor and coach circa 1986, Argentina could win it all this year like they did in the 2008 Olympics.

Second place should be a dog fight between Nigeria, Greece and South Korea. Greecian striker Theofanis Gekas (pronounced GAY-cast) scored more than any other European player in qualifying, but he did score six of his 10 goals in two games against the not-so-stalwart Latvian side. Overall, Greece plays soft and, with the exception of Gekas, don't take nearly enough shots.

Meanwhile, Nigerian brass has been yammering about nothing less than a semi-final finish. It's kind of mean to lead the poor Nigerian people on with something that will probably never happen (ever, I mean), but I think they do have enough talent to squeak by Greece on goal differential and get to the round of 16. Kalu Uche and perennial Nigerian rock John Obi Mikel hold it down in the midfield and Obafemi Martins and Ayegbeni Yakubu can score up front if given the opportunity.

South Korea is the wild card in this grouping. To be honest, I don't know what to make of them. Within the past year, it has beaten Australia, Japan and Ivory Coast. But it's also lost to Belarus and Zambia. I'm not even embarrassed to admit that I only know two South Korean players, Park Ji-Sung because he starts for Man U and Park Chu-Young because he has a similar name to the former. What, you think you can name more? Don't you judge me...

Here's some Messi footage for your viewing pleasure.