Heisman Race

I feel it's my obligation to throw up something for the Heisman race, even if it comes off half-ass and illegitimate.

I'm a sucker for the underdog so I would absolutely love to see Ndamukong Suh win the Heisman. I really wish he would. But he won't. If there was ever a defensive lineman on Earth who deserves it, it's that mountain of man. He single-handedly made Colt McCoy cry for his girlfriend's delicious cans.

For anybody who cares, here are that behemoth's stats for the year. Suh recorded 82 tackles (ungodly for a defensive lineman) - an appalling 51 of which were solo - in addition to 12 sacks (that shit just doesn't happen on the DL). McCoy practically screamed for Christ in the Big-12 Championship game when Suh sacked him FOUR FUCKING TIMES!!!

That being said, I still don't think King N'damu 'Kong' deserves the title. In my opinion, giving it to anyone other than Toby Gerhart would be a misfire.

I've heard the arguments. His team was 8-4 for the love of Christ! He collapsed when his team needed him most! He played in the FUCKING PAC-10! Alright, haters in my head, chill for a sec.

A. I fucking hate that the Heisman is a team award more than a personal achievement award. The best player in the nation doesn't always reside on the best team. Live with it.

B. Going along with A., voters always feel obligated to vote for the best players on the top teams. It doesn't matter whether they bombed the first half of the year....ahem, McCoy, ahem...or if you're living off reputation (looking at you Te-bone). They always vote for the top players on the top (voted) teams. Fuck that noise.

C. I hate Heisman voting (I know at this point I'm repeating myself, but stick with me).

Case:
Gerhart finished with more yards (1,736) and more touchdowns (26) than any other running back in college football. In fact, the next closest running back scored 20 touchdowns (fellow Pac-10 runner Jacquizz Rodgers), rendering him 3/4ths the man Toby Gerhart is. I would argue even less than that considering the size of the man, but whatevs. Also, there is this: he has scored 11 (if I could make that more bold I would) more touchdowns than his Heisman cohort Mark Ingram from Alabama.

To say Jim Harbaugh put the hopes of Stanford's football season on the shoulders of Gerhart would be a gross understatement. They didn't have a team. They had a Hoss running back and a quarterback who looked great handing the ball off. Believe me, I know a great deal on the subject.

I know Ingram is going to win the big prize, but it really will be a crime when he does. The Heisman Trophy needs to discontinue its whore-ish adulation for team accomplishments. I understand that you have to draw the line for shitty teams somewhere, but draw it on the other side of .500 for the love of fuck.

Great Galifianakis Video...

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

It's a tightrope-walking goat, of course

Not that this has much to do with sports or, well, anything, but it's simply too mind-boggling not to pass along:

If the U.S. actually gave a shit about soccer ...

The other day, while taking in a Galaxy-Dynamo darby at the pitch in L.A., we talked about who would play which positions if the U.S. actually gave a crap about futbol.

Here are a couple possibles for position playings if such a dream were ever to be materialized. And for the record, yes, I had to look up how many people are actually on a soccer field at one time. It's 11.

Let's do it:

F - Allen Iverson: Even in his 30s, he could bust some ankles. This might actually be a good career move for him, what with the Grizzlies not working out. Who didn't see that one coming? Also, he's a renown flopper. Gotta have at least a couple of those in soccer. Too bad Manu Ginobili is Argentinean.

F - Reggie Bush: Lots of room to run on a soccer field, Reggie. Feel free to roam sideline to sideline with that game-breaking speed.

F - Shane Victorino: Somehow we've got to get a baseball player in here to show that they are athletes, too. In a way. This may be the only spot. While we don't exactly want a David Wells type, there are a few other speed demons out there that could work as well: Carl Crawford, Juan Pierre, Michael Bourn.

M - LeBron James: Not much the King can't do on a basketball court. Throw him on a soccer field already. Why don't they have taller guys on the pitch to win all those headers?

M - Percy Harvin: Really, isn't this game of futbol 99 percent about speed? Outrun the other guy with your quicks and learn how to center it. Can't be that hard. That's how it works for Kyle on FIFA, at least. DeSean Jackson also falls into this camp.

M - Derek Jeter: OK, so here's another baseball player. Let's stick him in the midfield, where he can set up others with his clutch play. Vintage Jee-tah. Plus, he already passes the WAGs test with his impressive dating resume.

M - Tiger Woods: OK, so it's not a natural fit with his gimpy knee and all, but I wanted to throw him in here so I could include a 'Kobe special' reference. That might require a post of its own. As far as I'm concerned, Tiger's Q-factor just skyrocketed.

D - Oguchi Onyewu: And he's actually plays soccer. The guy's a beast; he's got tree trunks for legs. He could play middle backer in the NFL.

D - Ray Lewis: Seriously, who's gonna want to bring it into the box on Crazy Ray? If only soccer was a contact sport. He'd be red-carded and tossed in no time.

D - Adrian Peterson: Gotta find a spot for him. He's too ripped not to be out there. Add Andre Johnson to this list.

G - Chris "The Birdman" Andersen: We needed a white guy somewhere, and here makes the most sense (other than the bench). He's long, strong and about to get the freak shit on. Also would have accepted Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh.

Reserves:

Chad Ocho Cinco: Child, please. What would be his goal celebration be like? Imagine the possibilities.

Peyton Manning: He'll find some way to out-scheme the defenders with his unnecessary hand gestures/Tourette's. Just leave Eli at home. We don't want him.

Eric Weddle: We gotta have one Ute in here. Steve Smith is fading, so the nod goes to Weddle.

Tim Tebow: He can be our college representative, a la Christian Laettner with the Dream Team. He won't see the field much, but it'll be good to have him around. Raises the moral fiber of the team.

Deadspin Stops Fellating Bill Simmons

Wow, finally Deadspin Co. quits knobbing off the Bill Simmons 'Fall of Journalism' Train (He slobs himself enough with every book and column) and publishes something inflammatory about him. And I never thought I'd see the day.

Link Here

I'm sure the BS Frenetics will be all up in arms about this. They will likely revolt against the Almighty Deadspin much like the (enter asinine pop culture/history reference here) did to the (other completely irrelevant pop culture/history reference here)....

(trying desperately to tie the two together for the next five or six paragraphs)...

(failing miserably)...

(come to an erraneous conclusion)...

The fact that people believe Simmons altered sports journalism in any way, shape or form is laughably nonsensicle. It's not journalism. It's not even sports opinion. It's celeb gossip, Simmons' rambling -- and grossly inaccurate -- version of historical events or pop culture, stupid and a heavy dose of shit, wrapped tightly and served a la douche.

Here, I can do it too! Look:

Drew Brees' pilfering of the New England secondary on Monday night reminded me of a time when Sully and I went to a bah in downtown Boston (yes, I went there). There was one of those pseudo-intellectual college bookworms reading Thoreau in the corner. Obviously I'm married and 'faithful' to my wife but Sully wanted some road beef so we set about trying to figure out the best way to approach her.

He wanted to Lebron her into submission with an aggressive attack. Relentless offensive pressure. Drinks, jokes, bad decisions. Tested and tried, time and time again, he says.

I tried to reason. 'Sully, she doesn't look like a Scores stripper looking for the next Pacman to make it rain on her. She looks like the kind of girl that wants a Notebook-esque romance. You need to go '70s Jerry West and finesse it. Use a screen. Cut to the hole. If you have to, pull out and set up motion offense.'

We ended up compromising on a Steve Blake approach. He was going to go the rim with an aggressive attack initially and pray to God something catches the rim and falls. Unfortunately for my boy Sully, the Steve Blake approach lends itself to a lot of turnovers. He was a bigger flop than Duran Duran when he used to perform as Barbarella.

Allow me to break it down further.

Of course, Drew Brees plays the role of Hot Thoreau Coed #1 in this situation. Bill Belichick's defense (Sully) saw a Brees' offense in a two-wide receiver set so naturally they assumed they could blitz up the middle, but not on the edge where Jeremy Shockey and back-up tight end David Thomas (two of HTC's not-so-hot friends) were set. Seeing the blitz, Hot Thoreau Coed #1 audibled Thomas into the backfield alongside Mike Bell, presumable to stop the blitz up the middle.

Sully couldn't audible out of the mad dog blitz once he had slipped the rufinol into HTC's Long Island Ice Tea so he just said screw it and hoped he would get to the quarterback in time. I call this the Joey Porter Rule of Three. (1. Disguise 2. Commit 3. Pray to God you get to the QB before he lets it go for a touchdown)

With Brees on the other side of the line though, Sully may as have been in a punt block formation. HTC's protection audible (ugly friends) picked up the blitz before it came to fruition and HTC connected with Marques Colston on a post for six (Colston was a GQ-looking guy that swooped in behind Sully). Coming back to the bar, he looked more broken than Tony Danza in the early 2000s.

You see, I told you that shit is easy. There's no accountability, no facts, and frankly, no real effort is needed. I realize that he writes columns for a living so a lot of it will be his opinion, but come on BS, you're getting paid millions to try.

Fuck Bill Simmons and his egotistical, counterfeit journalism. Fuck it right in the butt.

Max Hall In All His Douchiness

Another bunch of classy comments from a BYU player following its win over Utah on Saturday. Quarterback Max Hall had this to say about the Utes:

"I don't like Utah. In fact, I hate them. I hate everything about them. I hate their program, their fans. I hate everything," Hall said. "It felt really good to send those guys home."

Full recap here.

He goes on to say that a Utah fan spilled beer on his family and probably shouted nasty things like "Your son is a little bitch" or "Max Hall is Utah's MVP" after he threw five picks in last year's Holy War.

With the exception being the beer dousing, it all seems warranted to me. Max Hall did suck in that game. He sucked giant penises (or is it penisi?).

Before he gets his little garments in a wad though, he needs to check himself and realize that it was one or two Utah fans that slighted him and his family. It's not like Whit and Co. told the fan base to verbally and quite literally shit on Hall's existence.

Fans are fans, plain and simple. Some are cordial, some are assholes. Some shake hands, some fight. Some loosen their inhibitions with cocktails, some tithe.

Athletes are supposed to be above that bickering and pander, but the Brethren just don't seem to get it.

You may remember two years ago when Austin Collie said something along the lines of 'We do everything right every day and when you do that God will reward you.'

Riigggghhhht.

There are no graceful wins in the Cougar Country, are there? There are no Brian Johnsons or Eric Weddles to say the other team played a good game or gave a valiant effort. Just a bunch of overgrown 25-year-old assholes.

I hope I see Max Hall in public sometime soon. I'd love to give him a golden (beer) shower of my own.

Catching up...

After a long and belated break, all of our fans will be happy to know that the Too Damn Tan Battle Station is back and fully operational (pending contributions from Jeremy, Ky and Rory).

I have a couple of things to bitch about in sports and in life, so bear with me while I digress through topics that have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

You cannot win in fantasy football if you play in more than a couple leagues. It will make you hate yourself and every single player in the NFL for one reason or another. I'm in six leagues right now and every week I feel worse about my knowledge of football. If Peyton Manning wins me a matchup one week, he will also undoubtedly beat me in another. I call this the Wes Welker Rule. That motherfucker has single-handedly beaten me at least six times this year. Fuck him.

Learn from me. Don't do this. Play a couple money leagues and that's it.

Let's see here, what else is on the docket. Well here and here are a couple funny gameday clips that don't really get old. And here's a clip from that crazy ol' fucker Billy Packer. I would be morally remiss if I didn't include the big gay guy Rick Majerus.

College basketball started, and nobody gives a shit yet so I won't be mentioning that.

I can't go without putting up my new nephew so here's that.

Oh, and here are my Top and Bottom Five, which I hope to do with some regularity in the coming weeks. Granted, I've had ideas like this before that trail off after a couple weeks because I have no will to continue, but I have a pretty good feeling about these little tidbits. They've got a great vibe. Good stuff.


Top Five-
1. My nephew Oscar. Big ups to God, Ro and Lila for making that happen. He's a cute little focker.

2. TCU. As much as it hurts me, I've got to give it up to our conference brethren. They are straight up waxing their competition's assholes and making it look like fun in the process. I should get in on that action.

3. Team Sex Appeal. My big-money fantasy football team is riding high, winning five of its last six games. Unless Stephen Haushka somehow connects for 10 field goals, I'm looking at second place in the standings.

4. Soccer fans. I've been watching a lot of World Cup qualifiers and Champions league matches and those guys are rabid. I need to get out to Europe or South Africa or maybe even Estadio Azteca down in Mexico City sometime to see what real fans look like.

5. Cincinnati Bungals. I'm not really sure how this happened but good for the state of Ohio, who hasn't had that much to look forward to in the arena of football for a few years now. Come to think of it, they're really the thing Ohio has going for it with the impending 'Bron departure so congrats on that.


Bottom Five-
1. Utah Football. What. The. Fuck. I knew it was going to be a tall order to beat the Horned Frogs -- -- but I at least thought my Utes would put up an effort. What was surprising, at least to me, was that it was the staples of a Whittingham-coached team - defense, winning the turnover battle - that proved to be their downfall. I understand the Frogs are talented, but protect the damn ball and tackle. Those are hallmarks of winning football teams. Pretty pathetic showing overall.

2. MLS. So I went to the L.A. Galaxy vs. Houston Dynamo MLS semifinal the other day and the power went out, not once, but twice within an hour span. That's what kind of hodge podge shit we're working with in the U.S. and we wonder why we can't compete with the big boys in soccer or futbol or whatever the fuck we're calling it. I'm sure there's an adequate explanation, but I don't care enough to listen.

3. Bill Belichick. Not to go all Seth Myers on you Bill, but really? You really went for it on fourth-and-two from your own 28-yard line with a six point lead? With two minutes left? Really? I mean, you know you can't press the reset button after the play, right Bill? Did you really think you are so cutting edge in your strategy that that would work out for you? Really?

4. Notre Dame, Charlie Weis. I work with so many Notre Dame backers that are really in-your-face about their Domers so I was hoping Jesus and Bill Wannstedt would smite them back to Pope I against Pitt. And they did. Thank you Jesus and Bill Wannstedt. Also, my dumb shit cousin now owes me a cool hundo because it's mathematically impossible now for Weis and Co. to win 10 games. Suck it Domers and Hansi. I can't believe I got through that without even saying ham sandwich.

5. Tapout shirts (and the people that wear them). We get it. You watch UFC and they wear the shirts so, therefore, you think you can kick anybody's ass. You are stupid and wrong. In fact, I would go so far as to wager that there is an opposing corollary reflecting how tough and uncool people are when they wear Tapout gear. It's science. It's boring, but it's a part of my life. Seriously though Tapout fraternity boys, go fuck yourself with a cactus, needles pointing inwards. You suck.

*Bonus. 'Friends' who puke on your bed. Fuck those guys.