Deadspin Stops Fellating Bill Simmons

Wow, finally Deadspin Co. quits knobbing off the Bill Simmons 'Fall of Journalism' Train (He slobs himself enough with every book and column) and publishes something inflammatory about him. And I never thought I'd see the day.

Link Here

I'm sure the BS Frenetics will be all up in arms about this. They will likely revolt against the Almighty Deadspin much like the (enter asinine pop culture/history reference here) did to the (other completely irrelevant pop culture/history reference here)....

(trying desperately to tie the two together for the next five or six paragraphs)...

(failing miserably)...

(come to an erraneous conclusion)...

The fact that people believe Simmons altered sports journalism in any way, shape or form is laughably nonsensicle. It's not journalism. It's not even sports opinion. It's celeb gossip, Simmons' rambling -- and grossly inaccurate -- version of historical events or pop culture, stupid and a heavy dose of shit, wrapped tightly and served a la douche.

Here, I can do it too! Look:

Drew Brees' pilfering of the New England secondary on Monday night reminded me of a time when Sully and I went to a bah in downtown Boston (yes, I went there). There was one of those pseudo-intellectual college bookworms reading Thoreau in the corner. Obviously I'm married and 'faithful' to my wife but Sully wanted some road beef so we set about trying to figure out the best way to approach her.

He wanted to Lebron her into submission with an aggressive attack. Relentless offensive pressure. Drinks, jokes, bad decisions. Tested and tried, time and time again, he says.

I tried to reason. 'Sully, she doesn't look like a Scores stripper looking for the next Pacman to make it rain on her. She looks like the kind of girl that wants a Notebook-esque romance. You need to go '70s Jerry West and finesse it. Use a screen. Cut to the hole. If you have to, pull out and set up motion offense.'

We ended up compromising on a Steve Blake approach. He was going to go the rim with an aggressive attack initially and pray to God something catches the rim and falls. Unfortunately for my boy Sully, the Steve Blake approach lends itself to a lot of turnovers. He was a bigger flop than Duran Duran when he used to perform as Barbarella.

Allow me to break it down further.

Of course, Drew Brees plays the role of Hot Thoreau Coed #1 in this situation. Bill Belichick's defense (Sully) saw a Brees' offense in a two-wide receiver set so naturally they assumed they could blitz up the middle, but not on the edge where Jeremy Shockey and back-up tight end David Thomas (two of HTC's not-so-hot friends) were set. Seeing the blitz, Hot Thoreau Coed #1 audibled Thomas into the backfield alongside Mike Bell, presumable to stop the blitz up the middle.

Sully couldn't audible out of the mad dog blitz once he had slipped the rufinol into HTC's Long Island Ice Tea so he just said screw it and hoped he would get to the quarterback in time. I call this the Joey Porter Rule of Three. (1. Disguise 2. Commit 3. Pray to God you get to the QB before he lets it go for a touchdown)

With Brees on the other side of the line though, Sully may as have been in a punt block formation. HTC's protection audible (ugly friends) picked up the blitz before it came to fruition and HTC connected with Marques Colston on a post for six (Colston was a GQ-looking guy that swooped in behind Sully). Coming back to the bar, he looked more broken than Tony Danza in the early 2000s.

You see, I told you that shit is easy. There's no accountability, no facts, and frankly, no real effort is needed. I realize that he writes columns for a living so a lot of it will be his opinion, but come on BS, you're getting paid millions to try.

Fuck Bill Simmons and his egotistical, counterfeit journalism. Fuck it right in the butt.