Naming The Miami Conglomeration of Douche

We've got a douche-zoot riot yeeeahhhhhhhh...

When it comes to dishing out legit nicknames, sports journalists are pretty atrocious. I know because I used to be one and I never came up with anything good.

You'd think with all of the creative writing they do, coming up with worthwhile monikers would come naturally. Nope. You're wrong. All of their energy is instead spent on important shit like writing game recaps and midweek notebooks.

Seriously, think of one worthy epithet nowadays. When Boston initially boasted the douchey triumvirate that still reeks today, we came up with oh-so-clever 'The Big Three'. Really nailed that one. Let's see here. A famous left-handed golfer is dubbed 'Lefty', the best basketball player in history is known by his initials and Denver Nugget forward Carmello Anthony is known as 'Mello' (you see what they did there? They took the last five letters of his first name and made it his nickname. From the M to the....well...you'll find it).

It seems like the only good nicknames come from a player's youth or from the player himself. A certain Bengals receiver comes to mind. 'King' James is pretty solid but I'm pretty sure LBJ23 got that in middle school. Adrian Peterson's All-Day nickname came from his dad. Shaq has a new nickname for every team he plays for.

Anyways, I'm sure some assbag at the Miami Herald will come up with something equally corny along 'The Big Three' lines. Just in case they want a couple suggestions though, I'm here for them.


Lebron's Merry Band Of Circlejerking Buttpirates
Ok, this one definitely isn't PC enough for mainstream media but we could just use the ol' LMBCB acronym for short.

Hot Hot Hot Heat
Get it? With the three hots? They only have three players? And the Heat nickname? The pathetic thing is that I'm just joking with this one but I can see somebody running with it.

Super Bad Ass Team Full of Dudes Who Are Wicked Awesome at Putting the Roundball in the Hoopy
I don't really know what I was going for here.

Team Miami
Succinct and to the point. Go Team Miami Go.

Riley's Slickbacks
This one sounds oddly racist but I meant for it to be mocking coach Pat Riley's hair.

South Beach Sell Outs
Because you are about to be inundated without a countless amount of tools rocking Heat swag.

NWO
Because Lebron pulled a Hogan and turned heel. Dig it.

Three's Company: Miami
For obvious reasons.

Miami Thrice
I saved the best for last. I may actually be onto something with this one. Mark my words...somebody is going to steal this from me and take it big time. I'm watching you Dan Le Batard. Shit. Just google searched it and Bleacher Report (not to mention several others) beat me to the punch on this.

lols to go around

And I thought footballer Pique looked like Zangief. This classy individual from Comic-Con pretty much nails it. I think I have my costume for next Halloween.



Pretty classic. The guy's fish flopping does it for me. And when something is so over the top like this, I don't think I'm even mad if I'm the other team. You've just got to tip your cap to them and move on.



I think I'd lose it too. Though Dicky Brewer pretty much does the same thing when he pulls the "we're going over a plateau trick before dipping into the Grand Canyon" bit.

Best Penalty In History

From the Spanish U-19 team comes what could possibly be the best penalty kick in the history of the world...

Nice.

The Favre Saga Continues...

Good ol' No. 4...with the help of people like Ed Werder, you just won't go away. You thought you were getting sick of Favre's off-season antics? Imagine how his agent feels...

"I know you're media, but do you know who I hate? The goddamn media! You watch ESPN this morning? Brett talked to goddamned Ed Werder at ESPN, says he needs ankle surgery. Now why did he do that? I've got Childress calling. I've got reporters calling all damn morning. Goddammit, why does he have to be such a goddamned drama queen? Play, don't play, goddamn, people are getting sick of it. I'm getting sick of it! Why does he have to talk to these people? What good does it do? Ed Werder at ESPN! What's he ever done for anybody other than say, ‘Look, look, Mommy, I got this first, ain't I special?' You got problems with surgery, talk to your wife. Why talk to goddamned Ed Werder?"
Brett Favre's Agent, Bus Cook

Excellent. It's awesome for several different reasons too. Let me explain.

1. Ed Werder is a douche so anytime somebody takes it upon themselves to ridicule him, I support it.

2. Agents aren't supposed to show emotion. But Bus Cook has been on the front lines for Favre's yearly soap opera for so long now that he has finally snapped. Dig it.

3. Brett...he's got a pretty damned good point. I mean, the aw-shucks attitude worked for you when you were a bright-eyed Southern Miss QB. It still worked for you when you took over for the Magic Man Don Majkowski. Hell, it even worked when you started popping pills. But you can't really use that anymore. You've become a shell of your former self. Now it's just a 'need me, want me, love me' personality. ESPN just happens to be the biggest enabler.

Which brings me to my next topic -- Just shut your mouth until you make up your mind. Maybe you can't help it if ESPN reporters stake out the high school where you like to check out local talent, but you don't have to talk to them. That's right Brett. You don't have to run the old golly gee routine every time you see Werder's moustache pop up at prep practice. If you have to talk to somebody about The Decision Part II, talk to your wife or your kids. We haven't seen a single report of them leaking something to the media. Deanna is a hot tottie. And her daughter Brittany (on the right in the picture below) is a chip off the ol' block. In fact, I wouldn't be opposed to all Brett Favre communication being done through those two.

4. I held out on the Favre hate for a long time. I mean, it was a really long time. I thought he caught a raw deal when he was forced out of Green Bay so I wanted him to do well. I thought he got a bad shake when he played with the Jets and still pulled for him. Hell, I even secretly cheered for him last season when it didn't interfere with my Packers fandom. But I just can't anymore. His tired old bit has been run into the ground by ESPN every single summer now and the crap pile on my chest has finally gotten a little too deep. Brett, we're through. I'm sorry. It's not me, it's you.

5. Ed Werder is a douche.

World Cup Wrap

I figured I was due for a conclusionary piece of my own considering I went bat shit crazy for this whole World Cup thing over the past five or so months.

Overall, it was a pretty satisfying tournament. It was no lobster bisque if you know what I mean, but rewarding nonetheless. We got to see plenty of awesome, whether it was in the form of Puyol's hair or a pair of scorching hot Brazillian fans. We saw some ups (last-minute goals) and a whole lot of downs (Ronaldo, Iniesta, Luis Suarez flopping). Wholesome fun all around though. Good stuff. Good times.

I don't know what I'm going to do for the next four years of my life while we wait for the next one. Watch baseball? No, that can't be right. I think the logical next step for me as a soccer fan is to pick up an English Premier League team. But that's another blog post for another time.

I digress (all over Rory's face). Below are some of the winners and losers of the World Cup, along with a few special awards.

Winners

Spain
Who else? They won the damn thing. Skipper Vicente Del Bosque appears to have this whole international competition thing figured out. Their style isn't the most exciting, but you can't argue with its results. The Spanish crave possession more than goals. They'll pass you to death in the first half while you run around in circles. If you ever happen upon the ball and try to advance it, you're met by a pair of bruising/ruthless center backs and a brick wall in goal.

When you get exhausted late in the second half, midfielders Andres Iniesta and Xavi will string together deep balls or my boy Villa will break you down off the dribble.

It's a time-tested method of winning matches and Spain seems to have perfected the formula. It also doesn't hurt that they have six or seven of the best players in the world, positionally-speaking, on their team. Plus, they have these two pulling for them...


Diego Maradona
The guy is a one-man show. From the sideline antics to his reaction to a question asking about his affection for his players, he's been priceless throughout the cup. I want people to start contacting him for his opinions on everything. LeBron screwing Cleveland on national tv, BP, Speidi, Darfur...I don't care. I want somebody to ask him his thoughts on absolutely everything. I'll volunteer my services for the greater good. Can you imagine?

Me: Hey Diego, it's nice to know you're doing well after all those death threats resulting from your saying that Aids victims were, and I quote, 'screwed by the angel of death'. There may have been some issues with the translation on that one. Anywho, what are your thoughts on global warming?

Maradona: (translated) I will beat ozone in one-on-one futbol match. Because I am a great futbol player. It has holes all over. Do you not think I can find those holes? I have a beautiful wife. And I make sweet love to her all of the time. I know how to find the hole. I will find your hole ozone.

Too Damn Tan
For its awesome coverage of the World Cup. Way to go team. :: Butt slap ::

German coach Joachim Loew Nose-picking strategies
Loew's tactics against Argentina and England were brilliant, but they were nothing in comparison to the strategy he used to attack his nasal cavity. See video below...

Yeah, take that booger...

Diego Forlan
The beefcake MVP of the tournament proved his worth again and again on the field for Uruguay with his Jabulani-bending wizardry. Yes, I have a man-crush on him. But not in a gay way or anything. Just in a 'I want to know everything about you and hold you ever-so-gently' sort of way. You know? Oh you don't? That's weird...

Losers

Officiating/FIFA as a whole
Despite being in existence for a hundred or so years, FIFA refuses to admit failure or update their officiating protocol to match at least 20th century technology. You know what? I don't even need touchline technology. How about two more officials behind each goal? It would seriously cut down on the number of BS flops in the box and unnecessarily disallowed goals because their only job would be to watch what goes on around the goal. Now refs call fouls that they don't see and wave off goals that they don't have the angle to deny.

From an institution that has gone on record saying that it loves the element of human error in soccer, I don't expect this to happen. But a man can dream...

America
Seriously, what the hell was that? Bob Bradley himself couldn't have picked an easier route for his team. And what did they do with it? Tied an extremly overrated English team (on a fluke goal). Made the Slovenians look like a World XI squad (That's an all-star team made up of the best players in the world for those unawares) Needed a goal in the 93rd minute to beat fucking Algeria.

Still, they somehow managed to finish first in their group. Their reward? Avoiding every major power in the tournament until the semifinal. The other brackets had either Brazil or Netherlands, Spain, or Germany, Argentina and England.

All the Americans had to do was beat Ghana and Uruguay and they could have taken American soccer further than it's ever been before - not to mention give it a significant boost in popularity here. Instead, they come out in a familiar lackadaisical haze and allow an early goal to Ghana. For the 20 million some-odd fans that tuned in -- yeah, that's right. More than the World Series last year and this season's 'dream' NBA Finals matchup -- it didn't exactly make for great tv.

This was the golden chance for Uncle Sam's Half-ass Army and we blew it.

American Announcers
Please stop working games. Just know when you are out of your element. You are painful to listen to. I usually just mute the tv. Or watch the games on Univision. I'd be happy never hearing Alexi Lalas or John Harkes speak again.

Africa
For bringing the vuvuzuela into the world of sports. I will never forgive you guys for that.


AWARDS!!!

Biggest Bad Ass: Gerard Pique - He was bloody in nearly every match of the tournament and finished every one in typical brute fashion.

Biggest Flopper (read: Bitch): Luis Suarez/Christiano Ronaldo - If there is going to be a biggest bitch award, chances are Ronaldo earns it with his antics. But Suarez gave him a run for his money this go around.

Smartest Play: Luis Suarez' Hand Ball - The game was over if he hadn't punched the ball out. Soccer purists are railing the guy, but it was the smartest play he could possibly make. He kept his team alive and made the Ghanian try to earn it under pressure.

Most Disappointing Team: France - They've got a lot of competition in ITALIA! and the English but I've got to give it to the Frenchies. Not only did they fail to win a game or advance, they staged a coup d'état against the coaching staff and French Football Federation. Well done guys.

Most Disappointing Player: Wayne Rooney - Again, plenty of competition but Rooney takes the cake. For as hot as he was coming into the cup (injury or not), he really couldn't have underachieved any more. Plonker.

Ugliest Hair: Rigobert Song - Look at this goblin...

Best Hair: Carles Puyol - Puyol will win this in any tournament he ever plays in.

Co-MVPs: Diego Forlan/David Villa - Who else but my two boys?

Best Keeper: Iker Casillas - You can't really argue with the cup-winning keeper, especially when he allows two goals the entire tournament. Casillas was the man.

ENA-KO: He-bum-bum-be-day

It will be tough, in a way, not to hear that young African boy yell enako at me anymore, before every match/commercial break.

So sad.

But we must press on. Now that the World Cup is over, here are a few leftover thoughts from the soccer matchup tournaments in Southern Africa:

-A third-place game? Get rid of this shitbox game already. Do we really need to determine who was third best at the World Cup? This is so 50 years ago. You don't need the money that much, FIFA. The players don't really want to be there, fighting for a bronze after just missing out on the gold. It's like a kick to the grundle. Send them home. Later Schweinsteigy.

- Biggest winner, Part I: Carles Puyol. What with that flowing mane basically owning the field, how could he not be? It even contributed to a huge win in the semi. How does he get away with it? How can he keep a straight face with that thing flopping around? How does he keep a marker on someone when his glam rock is all getting in his eyes? Much like Chuck Norris or the Dos Equis beer guy, it's really useless to ask questions. It just is. That's the way of the world.

- Biggest winner, Part II: The Oracle Octopus. Does it get any more clutch? He went 8-for-8 during the tournament, and pissed off the whole of Germany when he picked ze Germans to correctly lose to Spain in the semis. (Don't shoot the messenger - or grill him. calimari lols.) His final picks were shown on live TV, even though it took him 20 or 30 minutes to make the picks. He's a fucking octopus. He killed it.

Now a Madrid zoo is trying to work out a transfer agreement with the German zoo. And you probably thought I was kidding. I'll continue to closely monitor this situation.

And please, someone show me a link where I can buy an OctoPaul T-shirt. I have to have one. That's what I'll remember most about this tourney. That and the vuvuzelas, which I will actually miss, quite fondly. There's got to be a shirt of the octopus out there, and if not, maybe that's the business I need to be in.


- The only thing I enjoyed about the USA losing to Ghana was this guy. Seriously, that's some Papa Shango shit going on right there, a hex straight from the Ugandan Nightmare. Except this was Ghana. You know what I mean. In the end, this was the USA's summer in South Africa:

USA 1-1 England: Respectable, I guess, until you realize that England was way overhyped, barely made the round of 16, was routed by Germany and, oh yeah, the USA's equalizer was beyond pathetic.
USA 2-2 Slovenia: They had to labor for a 2-2 draw against a bunch of Charlie Brown-jersey wearing douches. They didn't deserve to tie (or win, with the disallowed goal) after going down 0-2 to these guys. Just deserts (or is it desserts? I don't care). They were lucky to get a draw. Landon Donovan's goal happened because no one bothered to mark him and the Slovenia goalie didn't want the get hit by the ball. Ahhh, you're a goalie, that's part of the job. If you don't like it, don't sign up for it. Cut off the angles, dingleberry.
USA 1-0 Algeria: Scored a miracle goal that it didn't deserve at the last second. A truly special moment in sports history (it was powerhouse Algeria, after all), and one that blew up the Yahoo! site because so many people went online.

USA 1-2 Ghana: Another early goal puts them behind the 8-ball. Donovan gets the glory for a PK that Dempsey earned -- dumb rule, Dempsey should have to take it. Then they cough it up in extra time on a spectacular Ghana goal and the US is toast.

There was a whole lot of buzz for a USA team that delivered two lucky draws and a miracle win to make it out of what was an easy group. Then came a disappointing loss in the round of 16 to a team that was without its best player, Essien. They say you need a little bit of luck at the World Cup. The USA got some, and got a shit easy draw and they still bombed. Back to the drawing board.

- The Too Damn Tan banner jinx. Everyone was talking about the Nike soccer jinx, what with the several iterations to the commercial needed to keep it going. Ronaldinho never even made the team, Rooney was shit and might very well end up in a trailer somewhere, Ribery and his French team were an utter disgrace, Drogba was injured before the tournament even began and basically had zero effect -- who am I missing? Fabio Cannavaro, whose Italy team found a way to stumble into last in the easiest group. And, oh yeah, Ronal-d'oh. Thanks for coming out. One goal on a circus bounce in a rout of an overmatched team. Feel good about that one, then go do 50 more crunches. Then there was the ad with Robinho, which Nike made so that a Brazil player who actually played in the tournament got some love. By the time this was getting major play, Brazil was about to lose to the Dutch/Netherlands/Holland and be sent home.

Now to Cody's banner. There's David Villa, which was a great pick with his performance in the tourney, but c'mon, he was chosen more because of Cody's man crush on him. And really, did Valencia shit the bed letting him transfer before the Cup and not after? Plonker. Blunder. Thierry Henry, hmmm, did he even start a game? Don't think so. But hey, now you can see him in the USA now that he's retired with the New York Red Bulls. Kaka missed a game due to suspension and his team shat out in the quarters. Lionel Messi had a great tournament but he had no goals and his team was crushed by Germany. Wayne Rooney sucked a big donkey and Drogba was hurt and his team failed to make it out of the group stage.

- USA chokers: This was about as good of a draw as you could ask for they couldn't get it done. The glaring weakness is finding a striker that is worth a damn. A defense that doesn't give up a goal in the first five minutes every game would help too (sorry Ricardo Clark, but you're shit). USA Soccer needs to target the failed basketball/football players. All you need is speed anyway to excel as a striker (well, maybe that's not all, right Robbie Findley?). Teach them how to kick a ball and you're set. Cogito ergo sum, send some scouts to Texas high school practice or the practice field of your local Division I football program. Find a kid who has skills but is too raw or too much of a softie to stay healthy on the field. Give him a chance at soccer.

I remember this one Utah cornerback, Desmond Davis, who was in one of my BS basketball classes in college. He toasted everybody and could've played for the Utah hoops team, he was that nasty. But he was instead a football guy who ended up with a career riddled with medicrity and injuries. Put a guy like that on the soccer field, where he can stay healthy (relatively), and you're set.

That and scout all of the Mexican-Americans who are obviously more into the sport at the adult level. There are more Herculez Gomezeses out there. Let's find them.

- Africa: Fun fact: Africa has 1 billion people. Seriously, 1 billion. By comparison, the USA has 300 million, give or take. How can a country with that many people not have its shit together, especially in terms of its soccer. Not have a team ever make it to the semifinal? And all of their teams are coached by some Euro trash dropout. Get some of their young coaches to infiltrate the EPL or La Liga, get some ideas and learn your head from your ass, then come back to the homeland and coach your national team and lead them to glory. It seems simple.

-Man, I really killed it with this blog post. Good work. Nice effort. K thx bye. sk sk

Just because

Its been a while, old friend...

Funny New World Cup Videos

While trying to get through another flaccid summer day (yup, I went there) in the office, I stumbled upon some great world cup celebration videos. Enjoy:

Everyone's favorite Spanish beefcake Gerard Pique hocks a loogie on a random Spain official. I'm sure it was the official's fault. Pique can do no wrong in my book...

Funny or Die guys high five their way across South Africa.

HIGH-FIVE! - watch more funny videos

An accelerator-happy German fan (judging by the douchiness displayed in the video, I'm presuming he's a big Ed Hardy/Affliction guy) celebrates third place by dumping his buddy out of the back of his car. Yay Germany! Third place!

More sheer brilliance from Maradona:

Al Jefferson Is Heading To The Land Of White Women And Choirs

It's official. The Jazz have traded away their future -- not to mention one of their huge white foreigners -- for another injury-hampered box of shit. Al Jefferson of the Minnesota Timberwolves to be exact. All I read about this trade is what a steal it is for Utah.

Let me get this straight.

We're going to pay a fourth-tier power forward -- who has a history of injury problems -- $42 million over three years to play as a backup to Paul Millsap, who we signed to a four-year, $35 million contract just one season ago? We're going to trade away two future first-round draft picks to do so? And all of this is supposed to quell the void left by Carlos Boozer's departure?

So where is the 'deal' for Utah? Al Jefferson plays a power forward-center hybrid position, which does the Jazz zero good because Millsap was paid/slated to be the man of the future at power forward and Money is holding it down at the center position. So that means that Jefferson is probably going to get paid around $14 million per year to come off the bench. Really cost efficient there 'Kevin O'Connor'...if that's what you're calling yourself these days. You may as well be called 'Shitty At Spending Money O'Connor'. How about going after a decent shooting guard considering we're about to lose Wesley Matthews to Portland? Or a lockdown defender so that Kobe doesn't post 50 on us whenever he wants? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills over here.

I keep hearing he's the best player on the Timberwolves' roster. That's like being the most functional kid on the short bus. Or the most intelligent person in Kentucky. If you're not reading between the lines there, it doesn't mean shit.

To give away two future draft picks, one of which is a conditional pick the Jazz acquired from the Memphis Grizzlies (can't be any lower than the 10th pick in the draft), just seems ill-advised. Scratch that. It seems un-advised. Jer needs to get in there and shake some sense into O'Connor.

If I'm to scrape any positive out of this, it's that Jefferson does have an old-school white guy game so he should fit right in and contribute immediately on some level in Jerry Sloan's half-court offense. That's right. His game just might be white enough to fit in in Utah. Maybe play 25-30 minutes a game. Average 16 points and eight boards. Handle 5-6 mormon women per night. Decent numbers for a bench player, I suppose.

Whatevs. It's not like we were going to win a championship anytime soon...

Even more karate kicking

2006 had the headbutt, so 2010 had to step it up.

Enter the Liu Kang flying kick from the Netherlands' Nigel de Jong, which didn't even draw a red card.

But first, a quality montage of the greatness that was Zinedine's headbutt.

Zinedine Zidane Headbutt YTMND Montage
- Watch more Sports Videos at Vodpod.

And now, the glory that was de Jong's karate kick.



Good form. Even Liu Kang would be proud. Isn't that right, Liu?



In honor of de Jong's impressive footwork, let's take a look at some more karate kicks, shall we?









What's on tap for 2014? I'm looking for Cody's favorite, a Zangief Spinning Piledriver.



I'm looking at you, Pique.

Nigel De Jong Superkicks Xabi Alonso

One of the lowlights (or highlights depending on your point of view) from the final yesterday saw Nigel De Jong deliver a flying Hulk Hogan boot to the solar plexus of Xabi Alonso.

Great form. Solid contact. Liu Kang would be jealous.

And with that we take a look at some of the best intentionally dirty kicks in soccer history:

Pepe

Turkey Goalkeeper

No Namer

Diaby Delivers Boot To John Terry's Face (Karma?)

Another No Namer

A Disappointing Conclusion...

Even she shouldn't be happy with this win...

What a disappointing end to the world's best international competition.

The odds-on favorite, Spain, wins the world cup by flopping and diving all over the pitch. Somewhere, Christiano Ronaldo is sitting there proud of his neighbors to the east.

Although its style of play is rather malaise and drab (a.k.a. possession-oriented), I had respected Spain for the majority of the tournament. It fought back after losing the opening game to Switzerland and moved past respectable juggernauts Portugal and Germany with clutch performances. It got the job done without too much unnecessary flailing or bitching (an anomaly in the world of futbol). It usually plays a clean and honest game of futbol.

That was not the case in the final. Midfielder Andres Iniesta was doing his best Greg Louganis impressions (I feel like this is a Rick Reilly joke) and his partner in crime Xavi was following suit. Even my boy David Villa got in on the Oscar award-winning performance, earning a few Dutch yellow cards for dives (Arjen Robben and and his stoner buddies weren't too much better either).

For what a great and progressive world cup this was for America (highest ratings in U.S. history), a final like this -- not to mention a fairly disappointing round of 16 loss for the Americans -- really sets progress back in my mind. The flops. The frustration. The cards (a record 13 in total). Granted, some of them were well deserved (a certain flying cleat to the chest comes to mind) but for the most part it was clinical stage diving. That kind of acting is one of the major reasons Americans can't buy into soccer. It's weak.

What boggles me the most is when players take dives like that when they have wide open runs. Several times today players on both sides had runs, only needing to beat one defender and they are in on goal, but then they get tapped (sometimes not even that) and flail to the ground as if someone had shanked them. Just power through it and score the fucking thing! You can't tell me one tiny little flick of an elbow from that sideshow Bob freak Carles Puyol can really send you spiraling to the ground. I mean, I know his horse mane has mystical powers but give me a fucking break. Stay on your feet and kick it in you clown.

Considering the steady improvement in American soccer and the televising of every cup game here, I really thought this was the tournament that would help soccer catch on in the U.S. I know, I know...it was very naive of me. Especially when two of the best teams in the world turn its pan ultimate athletic competition into an M. Night Shamayamalan film. Only with shittier acting. No, I didn't think that was possible either. But Spain and Netherlands somehow managed to do it.

A couple more thoughts on LeBron: The Douche-cision

LeBron is a Heat. Joins the Heat. Whatever.

But what does it mean? Besides a double rainbow? Well, now he's D-Wade's second banana and Chris Bosh is a distant third plantain. Let's delve deeper into the tantalizing triumvirate, shall we?

- Can you blame him for leaving?

Let's take a step back here. Really, it's Cleveland. Not much going on there. What's there to do in Cleveland? Pack up and get the fuck out. If he wanted to play with his boys -- or anyone decent, for that matter (aging Shaq doesn't count) -- he had to go elsewhere. That's just how it is. Ask Minnesota, Utah, et. al.

- Would MJ/Magic/Bird have bolted their teams with unfinished business? Never. And this was LeBron's hometown team/state/whatever. Total dick move. But again, it's Cleveland. But it still damages his standing among the greats. When it's all said and done, he won't ever be considered with the best of the best because he didn't do it by himself.

- The last time three megapowers like this came together, best I can remember, is Charles Barkley, Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwon. The Celts' Big Three would have to qualify too, I suppose. Then there's the Lakers' Big Three of Kobe, Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom, though Odom is maybe a third cavendish in that scenario.

But this is three guys in their prime, not over-the-hill with wrinkled asses. But there's one big question ...

- Who else is going to play on this team? Mike Miller might sign a deal after they shipped off Michael Beasley for cap relief, and there's Mario Chalmers, who gave up his No. 6 for LeBron. But who else? It's gonna be newbies and guys making the league minimum. Not that there won't be loads of takers. That's an easy way to make a name for yourself.

Still, the three horses will need a 15-point lead every time they come out of the game, which of course is very possible with these guys.

- Does it get more bitch for Jim Gray to be hand-picked and *paid* by LeBron's handlers to do the ESPN "interview." And the whole network TV idea -- who concocted this? Giving LeBron a platform and taking over ESPN to stab his home state in the back. Heartless much? Good call, advisers. Can't wait for their next move.

Soccerball World Series Footie Match

ENNAAAAAAAAAKOOOO!

Now that's out of the way, I've got to give my propers to Diego Maradona. Because of that's crazy coked-up bastard's bold statement to run through the streets in the buff if Argentina were to win the cup, the flood gates have opened up for celebs/models/porn actresses to put on similar exhibitions.

Top-heavy Paraguayan model Larissa Riquelme promised to run through the streets of Paraguay naked if the South American team won the cup. Despite the team failing to pull off an upset of Spain last week, she decided she'll do it anyways. God bless her.

Not that I'll be watching or anything...

Not to be outdone, Dutch porn princess Bobbi Eden and her friends have decided to...umm....knob off all of her twitter followers if Holland pulls off an upset of Spain on Sunday. For the general health of all Netherlanders, let's hope Spain wins. I'm gonna go ahead and not google image search Eden considering I'm on my work computer right now.

And now on to my final breakdown nuggets/predictions:
1. My boy David Villa is going to win the Golden Boot. He is currently tied with Wesley 'Get Off The' Sneijder with five goals, but I'm expecting to see a Villa tie breaker in the footie world series on Sunday. The Spanish reverted to a 4-5-1 for the German game, presumably to quell the ambitious German attack, and the result was a lone goal. I'm expecting boss man Vicente del Bosque to revert back to the 4-4-2 that got them so many looks throughout the tournament. That'll open Villa up for a couple nylon-finding opportunities. As for Sneijder, going up against the Spanish defense is no easy feat and he won't get too many chances. I think he'll get blanked.

*I'm still holding out hope that my other favorite player, el capitan beefcake Diego Forlan of Uruguay, can somehow work his way into the mix for the top scorer award, but against Germany that's wishful thinking.

2. Speaking of the third place game, I'm in agreeance with Ro. You just lost in the semifinal of the world cup. Poor you. Wait, we have a consolation prize for you. You get to play one more game. No, no, it doesn't mean anything. No, you don't get a shiny prize if you win it. You just get to play one more match for shits and giggle. Fuck that noise. Just let them go silently into the night.

That being said, the Jabulani-bending Forlan is involved so I will of course be tuning in on Saturday. It should be an offense-laden slice of heaven.

3. American announcers/color commentators suck a flavorful bag of crap. ESPN and the like should leave the announcing up to the pros. God knows what John Harkes is ever talking about. As for Alexi Lalas, I'd be happy enough never hearing that man speak again. I love me some Ruud Gullitt though. He and Tshabalala or whatever the South African's name is can stay (racist?).

4. I tell you, the real winner in this tournament is the country of South Africa. Every time I come here it gets harder to leave. I think you put something in the water. Excuse me, I've got to go play some golf.

5. Dutch Dip. With the obvious exception being Brazil, the charismatic Dutch have had a relatively easy road thus far. Still, they've dominated when they were supposed to (albeit with flops and bitching). With Arjen Robben and Dirk Kuyt leading the charge up front and the wily Sneijder coming up as an attacking mid, Netherlands has quite a few more attacking options than Spain. They'll need every last one of them too because the Spanish duo of Pique and Carles Puyol has been nearly impenetrable, allowing only a single goal after the opening-game debacle against the Swiss.

On the flip side, Spain's offense has been way too singular and reliant on Villa. The pacy forward has carried The Red Fury at times this tournament, but they'll need more than just him to be on point when attacking the Dutch. Time and time again, Spain has just settled for another pass when wide open shots presented themselves. Specifically, Iniesta and Xavi have to take a damn shot when they have the opportunity in the box. Holland will be back at full strength in the final, with defender Gregory van der Wiel and defending midfielder Nigel de Jong fresh off suspensions. They'll need their best to avoid lapses against the pass-happy Spanish.

I've going to go against the grain on this one. I think the Dutch are going to pull off the upset with goals from Robben and Kuyt. Villa will get his, but it won't be enough. And if they do, I'm going to streak through the streets of Carlsbad. I think that's a sight that everyone would love to see. [=~)

LeBron with it already

By Jeremy

I love LeBron. Or should I say loved LeBron. While I'm not going to join the chorus of whiners who are all indignant with his one-hour special, its not the best way to handle it. I just hope he turns it into a signing day-type special and throws a bunch of hats on the table. Then he can eliminate them one at a time, and possibly stretch it into a whole hour.

As for his decision: As long as he stays in Cleveland, he's still the man. If he goes anywhere else, he joins Kobe on my list of the biggest asshats in the league.

So enjoy the ESPN special all of you cable-having bastards. I will just check my phone at 7:05PM and get the result without Stu Scott or any of the other ESPeN cocksuckers. Seriously, they hand-picked Jim Gray to 'host' this thing. I hope LeBron refuses to answer any questions because of Gray's treatment of Pete Rose.



What a tool that Jim Gray turned out to be.

Anyhow, if LeBron isn't going to sign with the Jazz (a serious possibility, according to my sources), and doesn't stay put, I will become an honorary citizen of Cleveland and despise him forever. (Just kidding. I don't have any sources, and if I did, they wouldn't be that stupid.)

Double rainbow

Not exactly sports or World Cup specific, but important nonetheless.

To really appreciate this, you have to watch the first one, which is a treat in and of itself. Then comes the counterattack afterward.




But it gets better. Now, it's time for the re-re-re-re-remix. Hit it DJ ...





Double rainbow, oh my god.

Fourth of July Star Wars marathon notebook

Because, come on, fucking working on the Fourth of July? Though since I'm in charge of the schedule now, I should kick myself in my own nuts. Instead of someone else's. Here we go:

A New Hope
-Luke doesn't really seem fazed when he sees the charred bodies of his aunt and uncle. Not even a tear. Same goes for Princess Leia. Nothing when your home planet is blown up? If that happened to earth, you're just going to stand there and sell out Dun-tew-een.

-OK, how many murders, do you think, happen on a typical day at the Mos Eisley Cantina? Half-dozen? More? In the half hour or so that I assume Luke and friends were there, Obi-Wan carved up two fools with his lightsaber and then Han blasts poor Greedo. I would not want to be on that clean-up crew.



-C-3PO says he's not one for telling stories when Luke is cleaning the droids after the purchase, yet in Return of the Jedi he's telling stories to the ewoks.

-"That's no moon, it's a space station." You might as well put that on my grave.

-Completely unnecessary blaster fire into the telecom. Nice Han. Who are you? What's your identification number?

-Little short for a stormtrooper? How did Luke get a uniform that fit him? How come it's not loose?

-Seriously, how many people did Luke murder with that shot to blow up the Death Star? We're talking mass murder. How many people were on that thing? They couldn't have all been assholes. What about the contractors? The cafeteria crew? Did they agree with the Empire's politics? Probably not, it was just a good job with solid pay and then … boom, you're dead. This pretty much sums up my feelings:



Empire Strikes Back
-What was Luke thinking going back into the cold from the den of the abominable snow ogre? Just kill the damn thing and hang out in there for the night. Find a nice little nook and stay as warm as you can. If the snow creature's family comes around, kill them too. No problem.

-You look strong enough to pull the ears off a gondar.

-Is it really cost effective to build a rebel base on an ice planet? I mean, I get that you want to keep a low profile, but wouldn't all that extra gear and what-not cost a bundle? Stretch a buck, why don't you.

-C-3PO really did come through with the biggest cockblock ever.

-3PO also talks about the unlikely chances of navigating an asteroid field. Yet Vader insists on pursuing the Millennium Falcon in the field, with ships deployed to probe and bomb the surrounding areas. If it's so unlikely to survive, how many Imperial pilots are lost with this maneuver? Risk/reward, anyone?

-With some of Vader's antics, what is the reaction with some of his crazy ideas? Let's go to Hoth, they are there. Listen to me, assholes! I don't care if you think I'm wrong, I'm right. And also, if he's right 99 percent of the time, why wouldn't they always buy whatever he's selling? Come to him and say, what do you think, Vader? You're always right about this shit, what with your knowledge and all. Take the guesswork out of it.

Or should we take the crew's reaction to mean that most of the time Vader's just flat-out wrong, and we just see the parts that he gets right. Does he advise on matters and take them millions of miles off course? Completely blow it, every once in a while, only to say 'My bad' and blame it on an imbalance in The Force. That would be a nice out to have.

What's his standing with the rest of the crew? He's not really top commander or anything. He's more of a crazy consultant, if anything, who has superhuman powers.

-"With the rest of the garbage." –Princess Leia. Clutch.

-"How you doing, Chewbacca? Still hanging around with this loser?" Lando Calrissian. Even more clutch.

-"I love you." "I know." Most clutch. Han go hard, Cody. Han go real hard.

-Seriously, cutting off your son's hand? No matter how much he's being a spoiled little brat or whatever, dick move.

Return of the Jedi
-Silver lining in the rancor's death: at least the whole crew would be eating well for awhile. Steaks on the house for a month. Dibs on the T-bone.

-Give him this much: Jabba knew how to party.

- Admiral Ackbar is so pimp. "It's a trap." You think? Thanks buddy.

-Come on, just pick up one of those furry little ewoks and crack him over your knee. Would they even break the skin with those weak little spears?

-Does the Emporer ever just kick back and have a beer? Shoot the shit with Vader? Have a lady over? I mean, lighten the fuck up every once in a while. It can't be all take-over-the-galaxy all the time. Life balance. Life experiences, for that matter. Maybe he does a little water skiing on Kashyyk with the family, take a load off. Guy could use a suntan.