Better NBA Playoffs Preview

By Jeremy

Here you go, I compare each remaining NBA Playoff team to a pro wrestler. Enjoy:

Boston Celtics - Ric Flair
I'm not calling the Celtics old, I'm just making paralells between the 16-time world champs and the 16-time world champ(at least according to Wikipedia(which is never wrong)). And their three-headed monster is not unlike the four horsemen, although it would be better for them, and more symmetrical if Boston gets a nice game every time out from one of their second-tier players: Leon Powe, Rajon Rondo, Glenn Davis, Sam Cassell, Eddie House, Kendrick Perkins or James Posey. Those dudes are like the Arn Andersons and the Tully Blanchards in this scheme.

Atlanta Hawks - The Brooklyn Brawler
You remember the Brawler, don't you? His career record was somewhere in that Washington Generals neighborhood. He was one of those guys they trotted out there every week to get demolished by a star wrestler. That's the Hawks. Although, if we are doing individuals, Josh Smith is definitely the Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka of the playoffs.

Cleveland Cavaliers - The Rock
Or I guess you could just say that LeBron James is the Rock. He combines once-in-a-generation talent with charisma. Both guys are filled with crossover appeal, and LeBron could follow Dwayne Johnson to Hollywood someday.

Washington Wizards - Lex Luger/Sting
They always seem to be there, but they're never the main attraction. Kind of like the Wiz. Side note: Lex Luger once went to Green Bay Packers camp, so you'd think I would like him. But no, he's a tool.

Detroit Pistons - The Undertaker
Their/his style of play is just depressing. Lets just move on.

Philadelphia 76ers - The Genius
Never a real contender but the Sixers(and especially Andre Miller) are as basketball-smart as you can find. Plus, anytime you can work the legendary Leaping Lanny Poffo into a story, don't you have to do that.

Orlando Magic - Shawn Michaels
A contender with an outside shot, thanks to their secret weapon(Sweet Chin Music/3 Pointers). But you could also make a case for Dwight Howard as the Kevin Nash of the playoffs. The biggest and most talented guy out there. And what if the broadcast crews start calling Howard the 'Big Sexy'? Now that would be funny, especially if you consider Howard's off-court reputation(choir-boy).

Toronto Raptors - The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers
The only Canadian tag-team goes with the only Canadian NBA team. Plus the Raptors have no shot at the title this year, kind of like the Fab Rouge never had a title shot. But their star gets his own identity as well, Chris Bosh is my answer to Psycho Sid. All that talent, and yet, they never quite lived up to their potential(at least not yet).

David Stern - Mr. McMahon
Now I'm not saying David Stern is a villain...well, you can ask the Suns and/or Sonics fans about that.

L.A. Lakers - Hulk Hogan
The obnoxious yellow color. The Hollywood connection. Their status as an all-time great and all-time great franchise. They even both have their great controversy: the Lakers had the Kobe in Colorado situation, while the Hulkster lived through nasty steroid hearings way before baseball made it cool. Its a match made in heaven, or Hollywood.

Denver Nuggets - Randy Savage
I fought off the temptation(for obvious reasons) to label these guys as Bad News Brown. No, they're more like the Macho Man: supremely talented, completely insane, and hey look, they're taking on Hogan(Macho's longtime rival). Plus don't forget that both Macho and A.I. put out rap albums over the course of their career. Both were quite memorable, for their own reasons.

Utah Jazz - ??
This was, by far, the hardest pick for me. Being my favorite team, I wanted to pair them up with my all-time favorite wrestler, the Ultimate Warrior.(If only the Jazz had a steroid controversy, then they'd be a natural fit with the 'Anabolic Warrior') It makes sense to go with a gritty grappler, one that has been through tough battles like a Mick Foley or a Rickey 'the Dragon' Steamboat. But the Jazz are legitimate title contenders, so it has to be a higher-quality wrestler. Fuck it, I'm going with 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. Sure, he's a mismatch in many ways. But he is tough, talented and championship caliber, just like the Jazz.

Houston Rockets - Mick Foley
If Yao was playing, you could just go Orient Express and be done with it. But without the big guy, its a little trickier, and who would play Mr. Fuji. No, the Rockets can play in a variety of styles and tempos, much like Foley. When its time to get dirty, Houston can play Mankind. When its more of a finesse game, they are more Dude Love. Just not at a championship level.

New Orleans Hornets - Rowdy Roddy Piper
I'll assign the most overrated wrestler of all time to the Hornets, who I still refuse to consider as serious contenders. Seriously, I just never got Piper. He was intense, but just couldn't cut an interview like the Hulkster, or the Rock or even the Macho Man. Meanwhile, I like to compare Chris Paul to Rey Mysterio Jr. How are both guys so tiny, and yet so good?

Dallas Mavericks - The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase
What can I say, for a long time I enjoyed the Mavs because they had my favorite(Michael Finley) and 2nd favorite(Devin Harris) players. But with the terrible Jason Kidd trade, I am allowed to hate on the Mavs just like they deserve. Everybody has a price. Just ask Mark Cuban(Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan?). He's got the highest payroll in the NBA by a wide margin. Too bad for him, money can't buy no titles.

San Antonio Spurs - Bret 'The Hitman' Hart
To be honest, I just don't get it. The WWE went through a five-year period where Bret Hart was usually the champ. Seriously? Could we find a champion with less charisma? Is that possible? Yup. I've found him. He lives in San Antonio and his name is Tim Duncan. And does that make Ginobili Jim 'the' Anvil Neidhart? I hope so.

Phoenix Suns - Triple H
A serious contender for years, but was there ever a point where he/they were really the best? Probably not, so the Suns fall here. But the team is stacked with personalities: Shaq is Andre the Giant, Amare Stoudamire is Scott Hall, and lets assign Chris Jehrico to Steve Nash.

Now time for my playoff pick. Hulk Hogan over Shawn Michaels in 7.