NBA Playoffs preview

I meant to write this blog before the playoffs started, but final exams and other important guy shit got in the way. Enjoy.

The New England Patriot specials (Teams that all of the so-called experts love picking)

San Antonio Spurs
If I had a dime for every time I didn't give a shit that the Spurs were playing, I'd have at least $10.50 or so. Seriously, I know this has been said time and time again, but can we get them some brothas so it's not so painful to watch? Or maybe they can just sign the Professor. Yeah, that'd probably suffice. Actually, I'd just be happy if they tucked their pussies between their legs and quit flopping so much. GinobiIi, fucking stop it. You're not playing soccer, and you're not fooling anybody. If the Spurs get out of the first round, they could very well win the title. That being said, I don't think they're going to get out of the first round. And that's with Phoenix facing a 1-0 deficit.

Boston Celtics
I made fun of Kendrick Perkins and Rajon Rondo in a column I wrote earlier this year and it wasn't entirely justified. Both players had proven themselves to be valuable assets in the Celtics' climb to greatness this season. That being said, they play next to fucking Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. I could average 20 points and 10 assists playing alongside those guys. In the end, I think the trio's painful lack of experience is going to bite them in the ass and the Celts will lose a close series against the Pistons or Magic.

The Jeremy Brunner 'Lock of the Week' picks (Teams that the Douche Lord will tell everybody he picked after the fact)

New Orleans
Damn that Chris Paul, he's so hot right now. In all seriousness, Paul is pretty damn good, but one player isn't going to be enough to get a mediocre team through the west. In fact, I'm still not entirely sure the Hornets even belong in the west. They're like the 5-foot-1 kid who goes through high school bullying kids around and nobody seems to notice that he's inferior. Well, they're headed for an ass-beating. It's inevitable. I think a second-round matchup with the Suns/Spurs would do the trick.

Orlando Magic
I didn't get too many chances to watch the Magic this season due to proximity issues, but I was impressed with what I saw on Sunday night. Dwight Howard is a manly man. I'll bet he could even wipe that smirk off Chuck Norris' face. He could probably tame a wild burro with his bare hands. He's basically God re-incarnated into a seven-foot black man. I think I'm sprouting a wood. Adulation aside, the Magic still have to get past—probably—Detroit and Boston to make the Finals. They amassed a 3-2 record against the two teams this season, but will need Howard to be better than ever in order to make it in the playoffs.

Shiek picks (The teams that I would love to pick, but don't have the balls)

Cleveland Cavs
Whether it's because they're playing their rival Wizards or for some other unforeseen reason, the Cavs are playing like a bunch of pissed off, drunken sailors. Still, LeBron needs some help if they are going anywhere past the first round and it's just not going to happen. Ben Wallace looks like he's special ed on the offensive end of the floor, Booby Gibson is too inconsistent, Wally Sczerbiak is too white and Zydrunas is just too fucking Lithuanian...or Russian. Still, the Cavs hold a 2-1 edge on the Celts this season and that's who they would meet in the second round so anything could happen.

Los Angeles Lakers
The Lakers have been on fire since picking up Pau Pau Pauwerwheels, going 26-9 over the final stretch. More good news? The only playoff teams that have beaten them since the acquisition are New Orleans, Houston and Atlanta, and all three were by small margins. More good news? Their likely second round opponent is the Utah Jazz, who they have gone 3-1 against over the course of this season. Now for the bad news. The Lakers are largely unproven in the playoffs. Pau has had a solid first outing, but who knows how he'll fare when he faces somebody that actually plays defense. Kobe put up 32 against Denver on Sunday, but it took him 26 field goal attempts and 14 free throws to do it. For Phil Jackson's sake, he better hope Vuj the Vag goes off for 40.

My sexy picks

Detroit Pistons
Everybody can call me a sellout, but Detroit is still my pick to the Finals in the Eastern Conference. For all of the hype surrounding Boston, there should be an equal amount around Flip Saunders' team. They're facing a 1-0 deficit against a hungry Philadelphia team right now, but that first game was a fluke. How often does Big Shot Billups blow his wad at the climax like he did there? Detroit will recover against the 76ers, then down the Magic, then give the Celts a run for their money.

Utah Jazz
I've got to 'rep the 801' and pick the Jazz to the Finals in the Western Conference. It's not all hometown bias though. They are a grizzled group who have been through the conference playoffs once a year ago and nearly snuck into the finals. They are tougher than any other team—a characteristic that will surely help in the playoffs. They have point scorers in Okur and Boozer, a nimble point guard in Williams, a lanky Russian (vital to any team's success) in Kiri and a handful of fiesty role players. I'm taking the Jazz over the Rockets in six, over the Lakers in six, over the Spurs/Suns in nine and then over the Pistons in seven.