Hey Styles, where's the stash?

I was laying in bed last night thinking about which jedi I would be if I were born in the distant future and was kind of hitting a wall.
I don't have enough knowledge tokens to be Yoda. I'm not evil enough to be The Emperor/Lord Sidious. I could be the guy that looks like the predator or the giant conehead, but both of those guys got assfucked by a bunch of no-talent ass clones so that's a no-go. I know Jeremy would say I'm the biggest bitch in the Star Wars saga, aka C-3P0, but nobody respects anything Jeremy says so we'll discard that idea (He's not even a jedi you idiot Jeremy). Rorbagger would probably say I'm one of the no-name castmembers that gets cut down in the massive coup de etat on Geonosis. Kyle would probably say I'm Mace Windu, but I'm not black, so that's no good. I guess the only real comparison I can make to myself is the pin-neck guy on the jedi council who never says anything. I'm far beyond useless, and probably shouldn't ever speak.
You may be asking yourself what the hell any of this has to do with sports. Well, you see, the thing about ethics is...fuck, I've derailed.
Here are my tourney picks for the rest of the way. I can't even try to bridge the gap between college basketball and Star Wars...or can I?

Yoda
The most experienced and powerful of all involved, North Carolina has shown dominance in the first two rounds of the tournament and will easily move into the elite eight. Washington State is a scrappy team, but they just don't have enough talent to measure up to Hansbrough and Co. The Heels will face a tough challenge in Louisville, who is everyone's sexy pick for the Final Four itself, but Duke Ellington will light up the 3-point line and point, set, match will go to the mastermind Roy Williams.

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
I would love to pick Wisconsin or Davidson to the Final Four, but Kansas is just too powerful and strong with the dark side. They will become the greatest of all (teams in the midwest region) when it is said and done. All others will bow at Darth Self's feet. Rush hits shots like they're going out of style and the Jayhawks' intense defense will push them on to San Antonio. The Badgers will make a tough matchup for the Jays on Sunday, but Butch and Steeeezzma will pull their vag muscle when it matters and Self's crew will take over as the most powerful program in the universe (again, just the midwest region).

Luke Skywalker
Young, athletic, and may eventually be the greatest when the history books are written, the Bruins appear to be headed for another Final Four berth. Kevin Love, Richard MMMbah Aminyoutay, Russell Westbrook, the list of stars just keeps on going. Yeah, they struggled in the second round against Texas A&M, but so did Luke against the training module early on. Love is a shot-blocking/rebounding/point-scoring machine who single-handedly saved the game against the Aggies. His versatility makes a tough matchup for anybody in the tournament. Westbrook...well...just look him up on youtube. I can't add anything that his clips won't show you.

Han Solo
A scrappy unit who always finds a way to come through when it's needed most and is deadly with a blaster in its hands, Texas will sneak past the stormtroopers from Memphis and find its way into the Final Four. Although it's debatable, Texas could have the toughest run to San Antonio, having to go through the trees at Stanford, then dealing with the speed and athleticism of Memphis or Michigan State (much like Han Solo trying to navigate the asteroid field). Solo's high-stake sabacc background has given him plenty of experience in high-pressure situations, which is exactly what it will be this weekend.


The rest of the supporting cast-
That little rat looking thing in Yoda's palace/flying space craft-Davidson (Because it is flying straight for the pit of cocoon).
Boba Fett, Boba Fett, where?-Stanford (Because it will get beat by Texas/Han Solo in a thriller)
Obi-Wan Kenobi-Western Kentucky (Because it's fucking dead)
Princess Amidala in full ceremonial makeup-Wisconsin (Because it's the whitest team ever)
Chewbacca-Stanford (Tall, hairy, just like the Lopezes)
Mace Windu- Xavier (Umm, no comment)
R2-D2our- Louisville (They have a huge database of knowlege [see Rick Pitino])
C-3PO- West Virginia (Stiff, gold color)
Princess Leia- Tennessee (Connect from long distance. I know it's a stretch but I'm running out of ideas)
Emperor- Memphis (Experienced, powerful, black [cloak, not skin color...racist])
Lando Calrissian- Michigan State (They're slick, good with the ladies, but have a tendency to sell themselves short of their capabilities).
Jar Jar Binks-Nova (Nobody knows how it found its way onto the set or got any face time, but everybody realized it was a mistake shortly after and cuts its air time)

Feel the madness

Buddy, buddy, buddy. Ohhhhh. Buddy.

All right, so we haven't had a post on the real tourney yet (none of this pussy-ass MWC shit, whateva), so I guess I'll kick things off. I'll actually just throw up some notes that I wrote before the tourney, and then expand on those. Here was my list of 4 teams to watch out for and 4 teams that will bomb out. You like.

I like their chances

North Carolina: They've got enough athleticism, a good coach, a monster in the middle ... I mean, why the hell not? They're a solid bunch in the college ranks. Really ballsy I know. What were they, the top overall seed?

UCLA: Kevin Love is a beast, Darren Collison is a solid PG and Luc Richard Mbah a Moute has the best chops in college hoops, when used effectively. When used for evil, they could probably blow up an entire planet.

Louisville: All right, after going out on a limb for those two "picks," how about these guys? You gotta be playing your best ball coming into the tourney, and these guys had a good winning streak going before losing to Luevil and G'town. This is not the same team that lost to freakin' BYU early in the year. They're so hot right now, just like Hansel.

Stanford: Gotta love the tall trees. Some team is going to have to get hot from the outside because these Lopez doofs can really control the middle. I know they (who the fuck is they?) say that the tourney is all about guard play, but what the hell do they know?

No way in hell

Memphis: I usually root for the little guy (talkin' C-USA here) taking on the big guys, even though Memphis has a couple future NBA players, but let’s be real: If you can't shoot a FT to save your life and you have that much athleticism (read: black guys) on your team, it's going to be trouble.

Tennessee: They're just one of those teams that I'm never going to be sold on. Maybe it's the sherbert colors. I just don't get it. Don't trust it. But they're kind of underachievers. Bruce Pearl may be a little wacky when he's around Erin Andrews (who wouldn't be?), but when all is said and done, no way they're sniffing Elite Eight.

Duke: For the simple fact that they’re fruits. I mean, Coach K can teach the shit out of some fundamental basketball, but they’ve always choked in the tourney after those Laettner/Hurley teams of the '90s (You can critique his game all you want, but Bobby Hurley wins).

Wisconsin: Gotta love 'em playing that white-out brand of basketball, setting screens, getting a good shot every single time down the floor. Just don't ask me to pay to watch it. As long as it's free, it's all good. Boring. Boring. When they run into an athletic-type team like Kansas, they'll get behind and won't be able to climb back. Like the Utes of yore.

Vegas baby, Vegas

Fucking Vince Vaughn.

That asshole coins the term 'Vegas baby' and all of a sudden I'm shitfaced drunk at a blackjack table at 7 a.m. having long since lost my ass/college tuition money. The only solace I have is the sexy Crown & Coke in front of me and the mere notion that the cocktail waitress is throwing shit at me (put there by my jackass brother Cook).

Needless to say, she wasn't throwing shit at me. I said something about bullseyeing womprats in my T-16 back home and she scattered. The worst part is that I had to head to the Thomas & Mack Center an hour later to write about some asinine basketball game that obviously nobody gives a shit about. I mean, Mountain West Conference women's basketball? Come on. I'd rather sit and watch a rock. Or masking tape.

After four consecutive days of drinking, gambling and absolutely no sleep, I feel like I've just been shat out by Rob Van Dam. Yeah, I feel like Rob Van Dam's shit.

That being said, I've got some thoughts on MWC basketball tournament:

1. What the fuck? As in, what the fuck took Luke Nevill so long to play like he had his own set of balls between his legs. Did it really just take him an entire conference season to realize that he was six inches taller than every other player in any given game and could basically score at will? That worthless piece of shit posted 26 against New Mexico. He still rebounds like a pussy though. If he somehow finds some passion for hitting the boards, Utah is going to be a good team next season.

2. Speaking of what the fuck, What the fuck was the matter with the U women's basketball team? I'm not buying the whole 'got that one out of our system' mentality. That loss was stupid. Utah made Amaka Uzomah look like Dennis Rodman...minus three feet and plus 200 pounds.

3. Holy shit. As in, holy shit that girl from San Diego State that I saw in the elevator on Friday is hot. I'm pretty sure she plays for the team. I'll get back to you on this once I visit facebook.


4. J.R. Giddens. As in, J.R. Giddens is good at basketball. Like, really fucking good. He had at least four or five did-you-see-that-fucking-dunk plays throughout the course of the quarterfinal game against Utah. Two specific plays that stick out in my mind: An alley-oop cross-court dunk in regulation and a tomahawk on that waste of talent Nevill.

5. Clutch. As in, give Wink Adams the ball in the clutch. The guy gives UNLV a comeback win against TCU with a pair of free throws at the end in regulation, then comes back and buries the Utes with 20 points, then finishes the Cougars off in the championship with a barrage of late 3-pointers. If the Rebs move in the NCAA tournament, it will be his doing.

6. Is. As in, Curtis Terry is also clutch (Sorry, I didn't want to use the word clutch twice). I heard everybody talking shit about this guy leading up to the tournament. What the fuck do they have to say now? Terry absolutely killed Utah, then was ice when it mattered late against BYU. He's so fucking money, and he doesn't even know it.

7. Dude, how fucking easy is it to stop Trent Plaisted? As in...fuck. Seriously, the guy has one fucking hand and he doesn't even crash the boards that hard.

8. Most valuable player: UNLV's Rene Rougeau. The guy was all over the place, rebounding more than Nevill and scoring as much as Plaisted.

9. Least valuable player: SDSU's Lorrenzo Wade. Yeah, he won the game for the Aztecs against Air Force, but he averaged just 11 points per game on the tournament. How the fuck does a team win games when its star plays like me?

10. BYU and UNLV were both awarded No. 8 seeds for their efforts. I still haven't figured out what exactly what that means in concerns to respect for the MWC, but the chance that the two teams could play a No. 1 in the second round is pretty exciting. I think I have a boner.

11. Yes, it's definitely a boner.

He's my Favre-rite

Whoa now. The Pack wouldn't have been there in the NFC title game for Favre to throw up that heaping pile of shit if not for Favre. It's sort of a chicken or the egg situation. Or a reverse chicken and the egg situation, since it would have to be your bull. They wouldn't have been there without him, but they couldn't get the job done with him. Anyway, who loses to the Giants at home anyway? They don't deserve to win the title if they can't get that done. Sure, the Giants went on to beat the unbeaten best team in the history of football, but the Giants just weren't that good. Not buying it. I can't believe I live in a world where Eli Manning has as many Super Bowl rings as Brett Favre.

But with Favre, he just couldn't accept the fact that he was getting old. Sure, he's the heart of the franchise and we all owe him a right nut, but he just didn't understand that he couldn't throw those kinds of crazy passes anymore. Two seasons ago, those kinds of passes came back to bite him more because the team wasn't as good. This year the team was good enough to still win some of those games even when Favre played like vintage crazyballs Favre and make some crazy throws that he shouldn't have.

Either way, they don't get better without St. Favre. If he came returned, they could've competed for the NFC again. But with Aaron "porn-stache" Rodgers in the mix, it's gonna be a couple years. Of course, that's if the Pack don't make a huge mistake and sign some shitty, washed-up veteran like Daunte Culpepper to push Rodgers. Inevitably in that scenario, Rodgers will get hurt or benched and then Daunte/Joey Harrington/Byron Leftwich/David Carr will end up QBing the Pack into first-round exit.

The only thing I'm really pissed about in all of this is that Kyle got to see Brett Favre on the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field before he retired. I mean, gay. Then he got to see him a couple more times in K.C. (kind of) and Denver. It was like Kyle knew it was all going down. What a beav.

Jer, all I can get.

Random thoughts.

Last song heard: "What would you say?" Dave Matthews Band
Last movie seen: Gone Baby Gone(Green Light)

I love the guy to death, but fuuuuuck him. If Brett didn't go color-blind in O.T., the Packers would have gone to the SB. Sure they would have lost, but whatever.

Now that we've got that out of the way. I hate North Carolina. I hate Duke. Most of all, I hate those cocky bastards who root for those teams. Its like rooting for the SEC in CFB. Sure you're the best conference, so shut the fuck up about it. Thanks for your time. Sure Mike Sheshefski is a great coach. No wait, he is a shitty coach, he just gets four McD's All-Americans a year. Kind of how that Ohio State guy was a top two(NCAA finalist) when he had Greg Oden, but now he blows dick.

Cody: Blow me. Kyle: You are shit. Rory: Dunlop, you suck cock.

RWM(Racist White Media) example of the day: Favre pontificating. God do white sportswriters love this guy. Sure, I love this guy, but I'm a fan(not at work) these guys are supposed to be neutral. Yeah, some dudes will light him up, but mostly it will be happy memories.

That said, Favre completely wiped Dan Marino from the record books(good riddance). He had more SB wins and was better in every category. So that's good.

Peace out bitches.

Favre will be missed

As a woke up this morning, I knew something had gone terribly wrong. I just didn’t feel right.

You know the feeling you get the day after a long night of drinking when you accidentally let a chick with herpes blow you? Yeah, me neither, but I would imagine would feel a lot like this.

I turn on ESPN and the words coming out of the analysts’ mouth hit me like a ton of bricks. The words? “Brett Favre has retired.”

Misery coursed through me as I buried my head into my hands. I knew this day would come at some point, I just thought he could last at least one more season.

My roommate walked out into the living room and immediately knew something was up.
“What happened? Are you okay?”

Struggling to hold back tears, I told him the bad news. He paced through the apartment, joining in my sorrow.

“It feels like somebody just died,” he said.

“I think somebody just did…the Pack,” I responded.

What else can you say when the face of a team, nay, an organization, no fuck that, an era, decides to call it quits when it’s quite obvious he still one of the best at what he does?

I know what the Bill Simmonses and Jim Romes of the world will say. They’ll say that it was a long time coming and that he should have called it quits three years ago.

Screw those guys. Yeah, he’s erratic at times and makes downright fucking stupid decisions at others, but that’s what made him so fun to watch. You never knew when he was going to chuck a 70-yard bomb to Greg Jennings or throw an underhanded softball pass five yards past the line of scrimmage (that actually happened once).

His improvisation was second to none. And don’t bring up that pussy Tony Romo either. He is not even close to being on the same level as Brett. That’s like comparing Virgil to the Ultimate Warrior…it’s just stupid.

It may be frustrating for some to watch the Pack on TV because the announcers’ clearly want to fellate him, but he deserves the smoke being blown up his ass.

He never gave a shit that he owns basically every passing record known to man. He just kept putting on that goofy grin and running around like a mormon missionary paying a visit to his first brothel. He made the game fun to watch, even for those who weren’t necessarily Cheeseheads.

It was impossible to hate him. I have an cousin who’s a Bears fan and he hates the Pack, but still likes Brett.
How can you hate a guy that just wants to win and isn't concerned about setting records?

Actually, it's probably a good thing he doesn't care about records because he also passed George Blanda on the all-time interception this season. What did Favre have to say about that? "You can't get all the good ones." In all reality, Favre was easier to pick off than Willie Mays Hays in Major League, but that's probably his way of keeping things interesting. After all, you can't just blow everybody out or people will hate you/call you the New England Patriots.

Favre's humble, team-first attitude never changed. It was clear that he wanted some help at the wide receiver position before last season started, but when management blew a potential Randy Moss trade, he still came back and led his team to the NFC Championship.

He has always practiced with the same fervor as he plays with in the games. He throws those same 100-mph, whistling fastballs and celebrates touchdown passes with a matching intensity.

Growing up in Wisconsin, all I knew in my youth was Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers. Sure, there were other things that mattered when I was five, like my stuffed animal Bubbie Wubbie (which my asshole brothers all tortured mercilessly…seriously. One time they stuck a firecracker in his ass and blew it apart), GI Joes and PB&J sandwiches, but none were bigger in my life than Favre and the Pack.

I was a train wreck this morning after I heard the announcement. I was so distraught that I seriously considered taking the day off, even though I had a midterm test. I called my dad up and asked him if it’s possible to request all flags to be reduced to half-mast. I called all of my bros and reminisced about the good times.
But those times are no more.

Sure, the Pack may be bursting at the seams with young talent and may have a pedophile named Aaron Rodgers who is capable of filling in at starting quarterback, but it just won’t be the same without Brett.

It’s going to be a rough night for me tonight America. I’m going to go out and do the only thing a Wisconsinite can do when his beloved childhood hero calls it quits…get royally shithoused, probably piss my pants and cry myself to sleep.
It’s the most fitting tribute a Green Bay Packers fan can give.

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