Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last Week: Shitty
Against-the-spread: awful
Season total: Bad
Season ATS: Worse
Lock-of-the-week: 1 and fucking 3
Fine. Fine. Fine. I was 2 and 11 last week. Are you happy? My confidence is rattled like never before. In fact, if you're a gambler, I recommend doing the opposite of everything I say. Because while 2-11 may be historically shitty, 11-2 can make you some money.

Chicago(3-1) -3 at Carolina(0-4)
The Julius Peppers Bowl. Also: Who cares? Bears 35, Panthers 34
Atlanta(3-1) -3 at Cleveland(1-3)
Its my Take-it-to-Wendover-Lock-of-the-Week: Falcons 17, Browns 2
Green Bay(3-1) -3 at Washington(2-2)
Another imperfect win for GB. Pack 39, Washington 29
St. Louis(2-2) at Detroit(0-4) -3
Its the Toilet Bowl. Loins 16, Rams 13
Kansas City(3-0) at Indianapolis(2-2) -9
Its a little early for those cranky fuckers in Miami to be popping the champagne, but: Colts 24, Chefs 14
Denver(2-2) at Baltimore(3-1) -7
The Broncos aren't good, but they are interesting. Baltimore was ranked #1 this week in the Jeremy power poll that I keep threatening to publish. Ravens 37, Broncs 24
Tampa Bay(2-1) at Cincinnati(2-2) -7
Carson Palmer has been a disaster all year, but their defense + TO + Ocho has bailed them out. Bengals 35, Buccs 26
Jacksonville(2-2) -2 at Buffalo(0-4)
Ugg. Jags 31, Bills 21
NY Giants(2-2) at Houston(3-1) -3
A team that has played crisply every game, at home against a team that has been Parowan Rams-level sloppy each week. Texans 17, Giants 8
New Orleans(3-1) -7 at Atlanta(2-2)
Fuck the Cardinals, although Max Hall is starting already, pretty fast for an undrafted QB. Utah fans have to love that. Saints 28, Falcons 21
Tennessee(2-2) at Dallas(1-2) -7
Who knows what to expect from either of these teams. Boys 27, Titans 15
San Diego(2-2) -7 at Oakland(1-3)
I have SD and Seattle figured out already. Bet with them at home, and against on the road. Bolts 34, Raiders 31
Philadelphia(2-2) at San Francisco(0-4) -4
A real hum-dinger for Sunday Night Football. Hey Ute fans, in case you haven't seen a Niner game in six years: Alex Smith is shitty. I don't care if he looks just like Cody, or even a little bit like me. Niners 37, Eagles 30
Minnesota(1-1) NY Jets(3-1) -4
Its the Brett Favre's junk bowl. Jets 28, Vikes 18
Agree/Disagree? Post below.

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 9-7
Against-the-Spread: 7-9
Season total: 28-20
ATS: 20-24
Lock-of-the-Week: 1-2
Well, the picks have sucked all year, and I'm still hoping for a bounce-back. But to be fair to me, it has been a wacky NFL season. Lets see: the league MVP is Michael Vick, the best receiver in football is a white dude from BYU named Austin Collie, and the undefeated teams are the Chiefs, Bears, and the Steelers minus their quarterback. Yup, pretty fucking weird.
Cincinnati(2-1) -4 at Cleveland(0-3)
Here's a news flash: The Browns are shitty. Bengals 14, Browns 3
Seattle(2-1) -2 at St. Louis(1-2)
I have a feeling that the Seahawks aren't going to win on the road all year. Time to test the theory. Hawks 16, Rams 10
San Francisco(0-3) at Atlanta(2-1) -7
The 49ers, Alex Smith, and possibly Mike Singletary are done for if they lose this game. So, no pressure or anything. Falcons 14, Niners 7
Baltimore(2-1) at Pittsburgh(3-0) -2
The last game without Big Ben. Turns out, they didn't need him. Steelers 13, Ravens 9
Denver(1-2) at Tennessee(2-1) -7
Te-bow! Te-bow! Te-bow! Its almost time, we are one and a half big losses away from the Chosen One's insertion into the Broncos lineup. I'm pumped. Titans 12, Broncs 0
Detroit(0-3) at Green Bay(2-1) -15
The Lions are improved, just not enough to win in Lambo. Pack 28, Loins 10
Carolina(0-3) at New Orleans(2-1) -14
This is actually a tough call, with the way the Saints have been mediocre in all three of their games. Wait, are the Panthers starting Touchdown Jimmy again? Here's your suicide pool pick: Saints 24, Panthers 6
NY Jets(2-1) -6 at Buffalo(0-3)
To say the Bills are shitty is a slap right in the face to other shitty things. Jets 27, Bills 10
Indianapolis(2-1) -9 at Jacksonville(1-2)
It could be Jack Del Rio's farewell game with the Jags. Watch Collie drop another 11 catch/171 yard/2 TD day on thier asses. He's gotta represent for all the mormon-folk at home watching him on conference weekend. Colts 31, Jags 17
Houston(2-1) -4 at Oakland(1-2)
Don't blame the Texans for that Dallas beatdown last week. That was more about the Cowboys declaring their non-death than anything Houston did. Texans 34, Raiders 26
Washington(1-2) at Philadelphia(2-1) -7
Here's the big one everyone's been waiting for: McNabb vs. Vick. Donovan vs. the Eagles asshole fans. Yeah guys, sorry about taking you to the NFC Title Game five straight years, have fun becoming the Bills of the NFC when Vick signs elsewhere next year. But for now: Eagles 14, Washington 6
Arizona(2-1) at San Diego(1-2) -8
Sorry, just don't believe in Phil Rivers, Norv Turner, or the Chargers in general. The Cards defense will give them fits, as long as Derek Anderson/Max Hall don't have a terrible day. Its my first upset special, but also my Take-it-to-Wendover-Lock-of-the-Week: Cards 20, Bolts 15
Chicago(3-0) at NY Giants(1-2) -4
The Bears just seem to be making all of the plays, unlike the Giants, who are finding a way to fuck everything up. This game reminds me of the 1995 Kanab High School Homecoming Game, so watch out for a late punt return touchdown by Casey Glover with an obvious clip that goes uncalled. Upset Special #2: Bears 7, Giants 6
New England(2-1) -1 at Miami(2-1)
I can't call three straight upsets, can I? Yes. I. Can. Upset Special #3: Phins 30, Pats 29
Agree/Disagree? Post below

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last Week: 10-6
Against-the-Spread: 7-8
Season Total: 19-13
Season ATS: 13-15
Lock-of-the-Week: 1-1
Like Lazarus of biblical fame, I will rise from the dead this week with a dominant performance. Or maybe I will just keep sucking balls. Either way, here are the picks:
San Francisco(0-2) at Kansas City(2-0) -1
The biggest surprise this year is easily the Chiefs, who are somehow doing it with a lousy coach and a subpar QB. Chefs 21, Niners 17
Cincinnati(1-1) -1.5 at Carolina(0-2)
Carolina is so bad they are turning to their rookie quarterback already. Prediction: Steve Smith will not love the Jimmy Clausen era. Bengals 30, Panthers 20
Tennessee(1-1) at NY Giants(1-1) -3
I still enjoy the Titans, but a QB controversy is never the right move with VY. He and Kerry Collins should just platoon and get it over with. Giants 8, Titans 3
Buffalo(0-2) at New England(1-1) -13.5
For those of you in suicide pools, here is this weeks pick.(Note: Suicide pool in this case is not a contest between Bills fans to decide who should off themself this week.) Pats 43, Bills 23
Atlanta(1-1) at New Orleans(2-0) -5
In the Jeremy-Power-Poll, I have the Saints as the top teams, even though they have yet to score an impressive win. They will finally get it in week three at home. Saints 39, Falcons 28
Cleveland(0-2) at Baltimore(1-1) -8.5
Speaking of suicide pools, ladies and gentlemen your Cleveland Browns. Ravens 28, Browns 10
Detroit(0-2) at Minnesota(0-2) -11
Ol' Brett just loves to play the game, doesn't he? Umm, not anymore. Vikes 41, Loins 23
Pittsburgh(2-0) at Tampa Bay(2-0) -3
Did I say KC was the biggest surprise? I should have said the TB Buccs and their star Josh "I'm setting the cause of black quarterbacks back 30 years" Freeman. Upset Special: Steelers 28, Buccs 27
Dallas(0-2) at Houston(2-0) -3
The thought of Dallas going 0-3 has just given me a boner, I'll be right back.
(4 minutes later)
I'm back. Texans 21, Cowboys 17
Washington(1-1) -3.5 at St. Louis(0-2)
Wash is starting to look like a wildcard contender. That is, they did until they ran into the runaway freight train known as the STL Rams. Oh, who am I kidding. Washington 29, Rams 23
Philadelphia(1-1) -3 at Jacksonville(1-1)
So Andy Reid has flipped the script and gone with Mike Vick. Insert lame-and-trying-too-hard dogfighting joke here. Eagles 20, Jags 14
Indianapolis(1-1) -5.5 at Denver(1-1)
Denver actually looked like a contender last week. They won't do it again, will they? Colts 7, Broncs 6
San Diego(1-1) -6 at Seattle(1-1)
The Seahawks have already shown to be a good home team and a disasterous road squad. And this game is held in the land of flannel and rain. Bolts 19, Hawks 14
Oakland(1-1) at Arizona(1-1) -4
One and a half more bad quarters from Derek Anderson, and the Max Hall era will begin. Utah fans have to be excited for that possibility. Cards 17, Raiders 14
NY Jets(1-1) at Miami(2-0) -1
Sanchize and the Jets are way too inconsistent to pick a week after the pretty boy's best game. Its my Take-it-to-Wendover-Lock-of-the-Week: Phins 17, Jets 3
Green Bay(2-0) -1 at Chicago(2-0)
Pack fans everywhere are confused by the Bears 2-0 start. But luckily GB can deal with it themselves in prime time, otherwise known as the place Jay Cutler goes to throw nine interceptions. Pack 9, Bears 3
Agree/Disagree? Post below.

Spiral Notes

By Jeremy
Last week: 9-7
Against-the-Spread: 6-7
Lock-of-the-Week: 0-1

What a dynamite way to start the season. Nevertheless I am bouncing back this week. I will plow through these picks just like Kyle is plowing through a train of Euro-trash as we speak.

Arizona(1-0) at Atlanta(0-1) -7
When your quarterback would rather be on Dancing With the Stars than return to your roster, that's not a good sign. Falcons 33, Cards 31
Tampa Bay(1-0) at Carolina(0-1) -4
Bring 'em out now, your undefeated Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Panthers 29, Buccs 23
Baltimore(1-0) -2 at Cincinnati(0-1)
I haven't given up on the TOchocinco combo yet. But I'm getting there. Ravens 27, Bengals 26
Kansas City(1-0) at Cleveland(0-1) -2
The Chiefs were one of two perfect calls from me last week. Can you be due for a letdown if its only week two? Browns 31, Chefs 27
Chicago(1-0) at Dallas(0-1) -9
Against that defense, pencil Jay Cutler in for like nine INTs. Cowboys 30, Bears 16
Philadelphia(0-1) -6 at Detroit(0-1)
Its a good thing for Packer fans that Mike Vick didn't play the entire game. He will Sunday, which means the Eagles will win, but it might be ugly. Eagles 30, Loins 26
Buffalo(0-1) at Green Bay(1-0) -14
Its a huge line, but I'm not afraid. Aaron Rogers has a little A-Rod in him: he always has huge games against really bad teams. Its my Take-it-to-Wendover-Lock-of-the-Week: Pack 28, Bills 2
Miami(1-0) at Minnesota(0-1) -6
Is Favre just over it? If he is, we're about to see a long and painful year up in the land of Prince and Lake Minnetonka. Vikes 51, Phins 35
Pittsburgh(1-0) at Tennessee(1-0) -6
The Titans may have set a record for the quickest bandwagon-fillup in history. Titans 36, Steelers 29
Seattle(1-0) at Denver(0-1) -4
The Broncos need to just throw Tebow out there for 20 plays to sell some jerseys, because that team ain't doin' shit. Broncs 31, Hawks 28
St. Louis(0-1) at Oakland(0-1) -4
Can't believe I'm picking Oakland and giving up points. But, what can I say, I think Bradford is about to have a vintage Manning/Aikman rookie year 39-65 1 TD 6 INT game. Raiders 31, Rams 17
New England(1-0) -3 at NY Jets(0-1)
The Jets are just like any Chicago Bears team from the 2000's. They could finish anywhere from 13-3 to 5-11, depending on the bounces they do or don't get. They are due for a couple against the Pats. Jets 10, Pats 7
Jacksonville(1-0) at San Diego(0-1) -7
Still not drinking the Chargers kool-aid. Maybe its one of the worst head coaches in the league? Maybe its the lack of any above-average RB or WR? Maybe its Phil Rivers and his Dan Quisenberry-esque throwing motion? That said, Jacksonville will be too busy checking out real estate in the greater Los Angeles area to worry about the game. Bolts 16, Jags 3
Houston(1-0) -3 at Washington(1-0)
The Texans are everybody's new darling. Hell, I'll jump on the bandwagon if it somehow means we get a January without Peyton Manning. Texans 8, Washington 6
NY Giants(1-0) at Indianapolis(0-1) -6
Speaking of Peyton, how much do you think Eli hates his older brother. Can you imagine being overshadowed your entire life by a superior older bro? Man, just thinking about it fills me with sympathy for Rory, Kyle, Cody and Andy. Colts 34, Giants 24
New Orleans(1-0) -6 at San Francisco
After an offseason filled with hype, the Niners have to be better than that shit-storm we saw last Sunday. Don't they? Saints 33, Niners 31
Agree/Disagree? Post a comment below.

Spiral Notes, yeah?

By Jeremy

Time for another edition of my critically acclaimed, check that, critically ignored NFL picks column. I know you've all been waiting by your computers for this post, you freaking degenerate gamblers. Remember, while my picks may not be great, I do have the ability to catch fire. In 2005, my lock of the week went 16-0-1 for the season. If you would have put $5 on the lock and let it ride, you would have won more that $500,000. Also: if you did that, you would have been a moron. Click. Next.
Minnesota at New Orleans -5
I still love Favre, even if most of my fellow Packer fans are dumb fucks. Whatever. This looks to me like one of those early season games between two great offenses that won't be nearly as offensive as you think. Saints 8, Vikes 3
Miami -3 at Buffalo
The Bills are pretty much the worst NFL team to be a fan of, you know, besides the Raiders. Dolphins 17, Bills 10
Detroit at Chicago -6.5
Now they have the mad genius Mike Martz leading the Bears offense, Jay Cutler will have big stats to go with his league-leading interception total. Bears 37, Loins 23
Oakland at Tennessee -6
The Raiders won five games last year with JaMarcus fucking Russell, so yeah, I think they'll be slightly improved with Jason "destined to always be the 20th best quarterback in the world" Campbell. Titans 34, Raiders 26
Cincinnati at New England -4.5
Starting to doubt Brady's ability to ever come back from that nasty injury. I love the fact that Ochocinco and TO are sharing the same locker room. Hopefully, they push the Pats for a midseason Randy Moss trade to complete the Triple Crown of Awesome. Upset Special #1: Bengals 19, Pats 18
Carolina at NY Giants -6.5
Yawn. For two decent teams, this game holds absolutely no interest for me. Giants 33, Panthers 24
Atlanta at Pittsburgh -2.5
Hey, not sure if you heard, but Big Ben is out for a while. That should confuse the Steelers, and newbie QB Dennis Dixon just enough. Upset Special #2: Falcons 35, Steelers 30
Cleveland at Tampa Bay -3
Wow. Buccs 7, Browns 2
Denver at Jacksonville -2.5
Hopefully Tim Tebow makes an appearance, so the fans in F.L.A. can get their boner on. Otherwise: Jags 14, Broncs 7
Indianapolis -2.5 at Houston
Seems like a minuscule line, doesn't it? Colts 21, Texans 10
Arizona -4 at St. Louis
Bradford looks good, but he'll still play like a rookie. Don't expect much out of Matt Leinhart in this game either. What's that? They released him before the season even started? Wow. That guy now officially joins Chris Burgess atop the list of guys who should've entered the draft early and didn't. Cards, 14, Rams 3
Green Bay at Philadelphia -3
It seems like the Packers are the darling team for just about every media outlet in the country. And Aaron Rogers is pretty much the MVP. With all this hype, I expect Rogers to last about a quarter before going down with the Palmer/Brady injury. But hey, what do I know, I'd still rather have the 42-year-old guy. Upset Special #3: Pack 12, Eagles 9(OT)
San Francisco at Seattle -3
Speaking of too much hype, ladies and gentlemen, your SanFran Niners. Okay, they could win the division at 8-8, and probably. Upset Special #4: Niners 29, Hawks 27
Dallas -3.5 at Washington
Here's a game that could turn into a shootout. The only problem for Don McNabb is he doesn't have quite as many weapons. Its my Take-it-to-Wendover-Lock-of-the-Week: Cowboys 35, Washington 22
Baltimore at NY Jets -2.5
Here's two more of the most hyped teams out there. I really think the Jets are going to be about 6-10 this year. Not sure why anyone lists them among contenders. That said, I expect them to perform in prime time, in their stadium's debut. Jets 21, Ravens 17
San Diego -4.5 at Kansas City
Not sold on Phil Rivers. He's good, just not in the playoffs. The Chiefs have been drafting low for a while, so they might be a scrappy underdog pick. Bolts 13, Chefs 10
Agree/Disagree? Post below

Belated Return/Awesome Video

I've been slacking, I know. But hopefully this video will make up for my absence of posts in recent weeks.

That may be the deepest goal I've seen. Solid.

Anywho, I should be back later this week with an NFL Preview. Maybe a college football recap/preview too if you're lucky. Don't hold your breathe though.

byu goes indie rock cock block

Actually you can, little lady. Not only can you, you did.

So let's take a look at this whole BYU to independent thing -- and their leaving in other sports to the WAC ... no wait, they're back in the MWC ... oh shit, now it's the WCC. Right? Can we move on? k thx bye.

First impression, it's just a response to Utah leaving. Simple. Lose one, MWC, and you lose the other. Utah found itself in a better situation, and so BYU figured it had to move too in order to save face.

It's in a unique, Notre Dame-like situation to where the move was easier than if, say, a Colorado State tried the same thing. So it's really not a bad idea, but if Utah stayed in the MWC, I'm thinking the Cougs would have too.

Also, let's just agree that the MWC's TV deal is beyond shitty. Sorry, Craig Thompson and Marius Payton, but if the mtn. and Versus is the best you can do, and you can't make it easily accessible to fans, you're in the shits. Case in point: I wanted to watch the Utah opener on Thursday and we didn't have the channel at home. I had to search for a sports bar in the area -- not just any bar, I've been foiled before -- to watch the game. $25 or $30 bucks later, I watched a little more than a quarter of the game before the little one had enough. So we went back home only to find out we actually had to channel -- I think it just became part of our package or something, because in the past we haven't had it. Simply put: gay.



Then again, BYU's move is pretty badass, right? It's like when you're playing NCAA College Football and you decide you want to make up your whole schedule instead of playing shitbags like Colorado State, Wyoming and UNLV every year. Strength of schedule, here we come. A sked with Auburn, Oklahoma, Florida and Oregon every year. Nice.

Except this is the real world.

BYU still needs wins, hence the deals with WAC teams in football. It can't sked that many badass teams or it would win four games a season.

Everybody wins, sort of. Except for the MWC, in which a summer where it should have been celebrating had to scramble for Nevada and Fresno State.



Let's recap the conference shakeup:

Pac-10: Utah and Colorado. Eh, not bad. Of course they wanted Texas and to blow up the Big 12. Colorado is pretty shitty in everything, Utah is an up-and-comer.

Big 12: Loses Nebraska and Colorado, barely survives. The rich get richer because Texas gets everything it wanted. So much for balance.

MWC: Loses Utah and BYU, adds Boise State, Nevada and Fresno State. Drops its two best programs, and I'm predicting they'll lose TCU in a year or two to the Big 12. Which pretty much makes it the WAC all over again.

WAC: Loses Boise State, Nevada, Fresno State. Eying some shit teams to fill in. Good luck with all that.