Spiral Notes, yeah?

By Jeremy

Time for another edition of my critically acclaimed, check that, critically ignored NFL picks column. I know you've all been waiting by your computers for this post, you freaking degenerate gamblers. Remember, while my picks may not be great, I do have the ability to catch fire. In 2005, my lock of the week went 16-0-1 for the season. If you would have put $5 on the lock and let it ride, you would have won more that $500,000. Also: if you did that, you would have been a moron. Click. Next.
Minnesota at New Orleans -5
I still love Favre, even if most of my fellow Packer fans are dumb fucks. Whatever. This looks to me like one of those early season games between two great offenses that won't be nearly as offensive as you think. Saints 8, Vikes 3
Miami -3 at Buffalo
The Bills are pretty much the worst NFL team to be a fan of, you know, besides the Raiders. Dolphins 17, Bills 10
Detroit at Chicago -6.5
Now they have the mad genius Mike Martz leading the Bears offense, Jay Cutler will have big stats to go with his league-leading interception total. Bears 37, Loins 23
Oakland at Tennessee -6
The Raiders won five games last year with JaMarcus fucking Russell, so yeah, I think they'll be slightly improved with Jason "destined to always be the 20th best quarterback in the world" Campbell. Titans 34, Raiders 26
Cincinnati at New England -4.5
Starting to doubt Brady's ability to ever come back from that nasty injury. I love the fact that Ochocinco and TO are sharing the same locker room. Hopefully, they push the Pats for a midseason Randy Moss trade to complete the Triple Crown of Awesome. Upset Special #1: Bengals 19, Pats 18
Carolina at NY Giants -6.5
Yawn. For two decent teams, this game holds absolutely no interest for me. Giants 33, Panthers 24
Atlanta at Pittsburgh -2.5
Hey, not sure if you heard, but Big Ben is out for a while. That should confuse the Steelers, and newbie QB Dennis Dixon just enough. Upset Special #2: Falcons 35, Steelers 30
Cleveland at Tampa Bay -3
Wow. Buccs 7, Browns 2
Denver at Jacksonville -2.5
Hopefully Tim Tebow makes an appearance, so the fans in F.L.A. can get their boner on. Otherwise: Jags 14, Broncs 7
Indianapolis -2.5 at Houston
Seems like a minuscule line, doesn't it? Colts 21, Texans 10
Arizona -4 at St. Louis
Bradford looks good, but he'll still play like a rookie. Don't expect much out of Matt Leinhart in this game either. What's that? They released him before the season even started? Wow. That guy now officially joins Chris Burgess atop the list of guys who should've entered the draft early and didn't. Cards, 14, Rams 3
Green Bay at Philadelphia -3
It seems like the Packers are the darling team for just about every media outlet in the country. And Aaron Rogers is pretty much the MVP. With all this hype, I expect Rogers to last about a quarter before going down with the Palmer/Brady injury. But hey, what do I know, I'd still rather have the 42-year-old guy. Upset Special #3: Pack 12, Eagles 9(OT)
San Francisco at Seattle -3
Speaking of too much hype, ladies and gentlemen, your SanFran Niners. Okay, they could win the division at 8-8, and probably. Upset Special #4: Niners 29, Hawks 27
Dallas -3.5 at Washington
Here's a game that could turn into a shootout. The only problem for Don McNabb is he doesn't have quite as many weapons. Its my Take-it-to-Wendover-Lock-of-the-Week: Cowboys 35, Washington 22
Baltimore at NY Jets -2.5
Here's two more of the most hyped teams out there. I really think the Jets are going to be about 6-10 this year. Not sure why anyone lists them among contenders. That said, I expect them to perform in prime time, in their stadium's debut. Jets 21, Ravens 17
San Diego -4.5 at Kansas City
Not sold on Phil Rivers. He's good, just not in the playoffs. The Chiefs have been drafting low for a while, so they might be a scrappy underdog pick. Bolts 13, Chefs 10
Agree/Disagree? Post below