NBA Playoffs-A True Clash of the Titans

By Jeremy

The NBA Playoffs continue without the Jazz. I am only mildly depressed, since I had low expectations going in. But the kids cheered me up the other day when they demanded we watch that all-time classic, Clash of the Titans. You remember this doosy, back in the days when Harry Hamlin had human-colored skin. And for some reason, this battle between good and evil reminded me of another battle going on right now: Lakers vs. Suns.

Lets break it down, space-dweeb style:

Perseus=Amar'e Stoudemire

He may not play defense, but he does play for the good guys. So Amare gets to be the man-half of our heroic couple.

Andromeda=Steve Nash

I should feel bad making Nash the woman, but he's just too damn pretty. But at least he gets to be a good guy, unlike:

The Kraken=Kobe Bryant

He is an evil creature who destroys everything in his path. No argument here. And of course, the Kraken lays waste to:

The City of Argos=Utah Jazz

Poor fuckers.

Poseidon=Phil Jackson

The guy who's responsible for unleashing the Kraken. He is also in charge of controlling it, never an easy task.

Zeus=David Stern

He is the supreme overlord of everything. And sometimes when he doesn't like the outcome, Stern deals with it by sending his team of shitty refs to take care of it. Just like Zeus rescues Perseus after he gets whacked by standing up his action figure.

Pegasus=Jason Richardson

Lets see: Helps the good guys? Check. Can fly? Definitely. Late Addition who makes the difference in toppling the bad guys? We shall see.

Calabasas=Ron Artest

A hideous beast who tempted the fates too many times. Our heroes must vanquish him in order to move on in their quest.

Medusa=Shaq

S/he was formerly a force to be reckoned with, but now s/he's horribly disfigured because s/he was too proud.

Evil Scorpion/Vulture=Gasol/Odom

More evil sidekicks for the Kraken.

Bubo=Goran Dragic

The cute little helper for the good guys, but occasionally comes through when it counts.

The Stygian Witches=NBA Referees

Three bitches that all share one eyeball. That pretty much nails it.

Time for my prediction: In the end, Amare will hold up the severed head of Shaq, which will turn Kobe into stone. Nash and Amare will marry and fly away on Richardson's back. So I guess that means Suns in 7. Boom.

Good God...

Let's all pray that Argentina doesn't win the Cup.

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina -- Diego Maradona has promised to run naked through the center of Buenos Aires if Argentina wins the World Cup.

The Argentina coach made the promise during a radio show. The unpredictable Maradona was speaking a day after Argentina defeated Canada 5-0 Monday in its final warm-up match before the World Cup.

Argentina plays in Group B, opening against Nigeria on June 12. The Gauchos also face Greece and South Korea.

How much cocaine do you think Maradona is gonna have to rail to do this if Argentina does indeed win the World Cup? Eight ball? Kilo?

All things aside, I must say this: As a person, I loathe Maradona and his massive ego. As a journalist, he is a gold mine.

World Cup Breakdown: Group A

"I'm harder than a diamond in an ice storm right now"

-Ricky Bobby, Talledega Nights

Yes, we're now less than three weeks away from the beginning of the World Cup in South Africa and I'm beginning to feel a little bit like Mr. Bobby. He nailed it. In fact, screw all of this 'In form' business. From now on, when somebody is really hitting their stride (i.e. Wayne Rooney, England), let's start saying they're hard. I'll go for variations, as in "Kaka is hard as a rock right now" or "U.S. really needs Jozy Altidore to get hard for the second half" or my personal favorite (a tribute to my roommate Tristan) "Michael Ballack go hard".

You can find a breakdown of the best World Cup players here.

What follows is the first of my delightfully unrelenting and never-ending series of group breakdowns.

Group A Breakdown

Team	Vegas Odds To Win
1. Uruguay	125-to-1
2. France	16-to-1
3. Mexico	80-1
4. South Africa	150-to-1

While in Las Vegas three weeks ago, I immediately noticed how much of a misnomer France had become in this version of the World Cup. The team that had taken Italy to PKs despite playing down one man (even more, it was their best player, Zinedine Zidane) for some of regulation and all of extra time in the 2006 World Cup was looking at a whopping 16-to-1 odds to win the whole thing. I remember thinking that it had to be a misprint because the lowly and beleaguered Yanks were listed at 10-to-1 (you've got to love American optimism).

I know they played like horseshit throughout qualifying and only got in because of a cheap hand ball by one of their best players, but they're the 2006 World Cup runners up. Doesn't that count for anything? Then I remembered that was four years ago. France no longer has Zidane. And, in reality, they are not nearly as good this time around. Nicolas Anelka fills in for the retired Zidane and, while I'm a big fan of Anelka, he doesn't compare to the bald head-butting bastard of yore.

Further debilitating France is an aging roster and a couple noteworthy injuries, not to mention a draw into a solid Group A, where they'll face a road-tested Uruguay squad and the always dangerous, yet delightfully inconsistent, El Tri from Mexico.

Starting off with an upset pick, I fancy Uruguay winning this group. Luis Suarez and Diego Forlan were both in the top 5 in World Cup qualifying in goals and assists, so Oscar Tabarez' squad won't be short on goals. Couple those scoring threats with the experience of playing many a match against Brazil and Argentina in qualifying and I think we've a recipe for an upset.

The second match on opening day between France and Uruguay will be telling as both desperately need a win to avoid the second-place parity forthcoming. From everything I'm reading on both squads, it seems as though France would be happy enough to draw with the mighty South American squad, whereas Tabarez and Co. are playing to knock the Frogs out.

I hate to say it, but I see Les Bleus from France taking the second position in the group. The truth of the matter is that El Tri plays a sloppy style of ball -- as evidenced in their 3-1 friendly loss to England -- relying too much on dives and erroneous slide tackles. They're going to need young guns like Giovani Dos Santos and Andres Guardado to be rock hard to get a win in South Africa (you see how well it works?).

Host nation South Africa may have the spirit of Africa behind it, but that's not worth shit on the pitch. They may eek out a point.

FACE!!!!

Here's a little Wednesday entertainment/nausea for everybody...

2010 World Cup All-Stars: Forwards

Midfielders
Defenders
Goalies

And now on to the fancy schmancy strikers who get all the credit and money.

Ohhh, look at me, I kick a soccer ball into a net and get paid in millions of euros and beautiful women...

10. Miroslav Klose - Germany
I can't leave Das Wunderkind off this list. He's scored five goals in consecutive World Cups now and won the Golden Boot award for his efforts in the 2006 Cup. Germany is now making him the focal point of its offense so it's safe to say there will be plenty more action from Miroslav this Cup.

9. Carlos Tevez - Argentina
I know my boy Kyle will be disappointed with how low Tevez ranks on this list, but the Argentine has somehow worked himself out of favor with the cocksman manager Maradona so his time in the Cup may be limited. Add that to the fact the Argentina is loaded with talent (Sergio Aguero, Gonzalo Higuain, Javier Mascherano, and...I'm sure i'm forgetting somebody. Oh yeah, Lionel Messi.) and you can't help but think Tevez' shots will be limited.

8. Fernando Torres - Spain
Torres is a bit of a wild card at this point. The Liverpool striker underwent his second knee surgery in the past four months in April and is questionable for the World Cup. If his recovery goes according to plan, he could be back in time to be named to the 23-person roster. If he's not vibing it, Spain has enough talent to not think twice about cutting him for the tournament.

7. Robin Van Persie - Netherlands
Van Persie was known as a bit of an asshole earlier in his career, but he's settled down now playing for Arsenal and has rounded out into one of the better all-around attackers in the world for Arsenal. For the Oranje, Persie has been a little bit more of a distribution/utility man in the cut of Andrei Kirilenko. He can play in the middle, or on either wing, or even as a long distance shooter if the Dutch need it.

6. Luis Fabiano - Brazil
Fabiano, who is affectionately referred to as El Fabuloso by his countrymen and women, is the best of the Brazilian attack. In seven CONMEBOL qualifiers, El Fabuloso scored seven goals, cementing himself as the Selecao's go-to guy. Fabiano always keeps it real on the field...or tries at least. He kind of fights like a girl as you can see from this video.

5. Samuel Eto'o - Cameroon
Eto'o is about the only good thing going for the not-so-aptly named Indomitable Lions, who haven't had a decent win at the Cup in over 20 years. The Inter striker scored 12 goals for the Italian team this season and has led them to the Champions League final against Bayern Munich, upsetting Chelsea and FC Barcelona on the way. Although not quite as speedy as in his first two cups, Eto'o is one of the best finishers in the world and will keep Cameroon into contention for advancement.

4. Didier Drogba - Ivory Coast
Simply put, Drogba is a hoss. More complexly, he is one of the most revered and yet disliked players in the world. His bulk and power make him a force to be reckoned with on the pitch, but he bitches more than Christiano Ronaldo and Kobe Bryant combined. Los Elephantes will need massive production out of him in order to move on from the Group of Death. If they can beat Portugal, they should be good to go.

3. David Villa - Spain
Villa already ranks number two all-time for La Furia Roja in goals, and will capture the top spot soon enough because he may be playing without his front line complement in Fernando Torres for the World Cup. The Valencia forward has carried the team before though so it shouldn't worry the Spanish faithful too much. Villa's ambidextrous footing and stellar finishing should keep Spain in the Cup mix.

2. Wayne Rooney - England
With all of the injuries and controversies surrounding the English team, Rooney will have to carry a heavy load (that's what she said?) if it is going to advance very far in the knockout stage. The good news for England is that its top striker has been playing his ass off in the Premier League, scoring 26 goals this year. The bad news is that he's been hobbled by a groin injury that could affect his play in South Africa.

1. Lionel Messi - Argentina
At only 22 years old, Messi has accomplished almost everything in the world of soccer. He's won every major and minor individual and team title that you can possibly win on the European setting. This season he scored 32 goals - five more than the next highest. The only thing he hasn't done is prove himself at the World Cup. The bite-sized phenom will be playing at a disadvantage as a deep striker instead of his natural position as an attacking right winger due to Diego Maradona's massive ego, but should still provide plenty of highlight reel moments this summer.