By Jeremy
Here you go, I compare each remaining NBA Playoff team to a pro wrestler. Enjoy:
Boston Celtics - Ric Flair
I'm not calling the Celtics old, I'm just making paralells between the 16-time world champs and the 16-time world champ(at least according to Wikipedia(which is never wrong)). And their three-headed monster is not unlike the four horsemen, although it would be better for them, and more symmetrical if Boston gets a nice game every time out from one of their second-tier players: Leon Powe, Rajon Rondo, Glenn Davis, Sam Cassell, Eddie House, Kendrick Perkins or James Posey. Those dudes are like the Arn Andersons and the Tully Blanchards in this scheme.
Atlanta Hawks - The Brooklyn Brawler
You remember the Brawler, don't you? His career record was somewhere in that Washington Generals neighborhood. He was one of those guys they trotted out there every week to get demolished by a star wrestler. That's the Hawks. Although, if we are doing individuals, Josh Smith is definitely the Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka of the playoffs.
Cleveland Cavaliers - The Rock
Or I guess you could just say that LeBron James is the Rock. He combines once-in-a-generation talent with charisma. Both guys are filled with crossover appeal, and LeBron could follow Dwayne Johnson to Hollywood someday.
Washington Wizards - Lex Luger/Sting
They always seem to be there, but they're never the main attraction. Kind of like the Wiz. Side note: Lex Luger once went to Green Bay Packers camp, so you'd think I would like him. But no, he's a tool.
Detroit Pistons - The Undertaker
Their/his style of play is just depressing. Lets just move on.
Philadelphia 76ers - The Genius
Never a real contender but the Sixers(and especially Andre Miller) are as basketball-smart as you can find. Plus, anytime you can work the legendary Leaping Lanny Poffo into a story, don't you have to do that.
Orlando Magic - Shawn Michaels
A contender with an outside shot, thanks to their secret weapon(Sweet Chin Music/3 Pointers). But you could also make a case for Dwight Howard as the Kevin Nash of the playoffs. The biggest and most talented guy out there. And what if the broadcast crews start calling Howard the 'Big Sexy'? Now that would be funny, especially if you consider Howard's off-court reputation(choir-boy).
Toronto Raptors - The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers
The only Canadian tag-team goes with the only Canadian NBA team. Plus the Raptors have no shot at the title this year, kind of like the Fab Rouge never had a title shot. But their star gets his own identity as well, Chris Bosh is my answer to Psycho Sid. All that talent, and yet, they never quite lived up to their potential(at least not yet).
David Stern - Mr. McMahon
Now I'm not saying David Stern is a villain...well, you can ask the Suns and/or Sonics fans about that.
L.A. Lakers - Hulk Hogan
The obnoxious yellow color. The Hollywood connection. Their status as an all-time great and all-time great franchise. They even both have their great controversy: the Lakers had the Kobe in Colorado situation, while the Hulkster lived through nasty steroid hearings way before baseball made it cool. Its a match made in heaven, or Hollywood.
Denver Nuggets - Randy Savage
I fought off the temptation(for obvious reasons) to label these guys as Bad News Brown. No, they're more like the Macho Man: supremely talented, completely insane, and hey look, they're taking on Hogan(Macho's longtime rival). Plus don't forget that both Macho and A.I. put out rap albums over the course of their career. Both were quite memorable, for their own reasons.
Utah Jazz - ??
This was, by far, the hardest pick for me. Being my favorite team, I wanted to pair them up with my all-time favorite wrestler, the Ultimate Warrior.(If only the Jazz had a steroid controversy, then they'd be a natural fit with the 'Anabolic Warrior') It makes sense to go with a gritty grappler, one that has been through tough battles like a Mick Foley or a Rickey 'the Dragon' Steamboat. But the Jazz are legitimate title contenders, so it has to be a higher-quality wrestler. Fuck it, I'm going with 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. Sure, he's a mismatch in many ways. But he is tough, talented and championship caliber, just like the Jazz.
Houston Rockets - Mick Foley
If Yao was playing, you could just go Orient Express and be done with it. But without the big guy, its a little trickier, and who would play Mr. Fuji. No, the Rockets can play in a variety of styles and tempos, much like Foley. When its time to get dirty, Houston can play Mankind. When its more of a finesse game, they are more Dude Love. Just not at a championship level.
New Orleans Hornets - Rowdy Roddy Piper
I'll assign the most overrated wrestler of all time to the Hornets, who I still refuse to consider as serious contenders. Seriously, I just never got Piper. He was intense, but just couldn't cut an interview like the Hulkster, or the Rock or even the Macho Man. Meanwhile, I like to compare Chris Paul to Rey Mysterio Jr. How are both guys so tiny, and yet so good?
Dallas Mavericks - The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase
What can I say, for a long time I enjoyed the Mavs because they had my favorite(Michael Finley) and 2nd favorite(Devin Harris) players. But with the terrible Jason Kidd trade, I am allowed to hate on the Mavs just like they deserve. Everybody has a price. Just ask Mark Cuban(Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan?). He's got the highest payroll in the NBA by a wide margin. Too bad for him, money can't buy no titles.
San Antonio Spurs - Bret 'The Hitman' Hart
To be honest, I just don't get it. The WWE went through a five-year period where Bret Hart was usually the champ. Seriously? Could we find a champion with less charisma? Is that possible? Yup. I've found him. He lives in San Antonio and his name is Tim Duncan. And does that make Ginobili Jim 'the' Anvil Neidhart? I hope so.
Phoenix Suns - Triple H
A serious contender for years, but was there ever a point where he/they were really the best? Probably not, so the Suns fall here. But the team is stacked with personalities: Shaq is Andre the Giant, Amare Stoudamire is Scott Hall, and lets assign Chris Jehrico to Steve Nash.
Now time for my playoff pick. Hulk Hogan over Shawn Michaels in 7.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
NBA Playoffs preview
I meant to write this blog before the playoffs started, but final exams and other important guy shit got in the way. Enjoy.
The New England Patriot specials (Teams that all of the so-called experts love picking)
San Antonio Spurs
If I had a dime for every time I didn't give a shit that the Spurs were playing, I'd have at least $10.50 or so. Seriously, I know this has been said time and time again, but can we get them some brothas so it's not so painful to watch? Or maybe they can just sign the Professor. Yeah, that'd probably suffice. Actually, I'd just be happy if they tucked their pussies between their legs and quit flopping so much. GinobiIi, fucking stop it. You're not playing soccer, and you're not fooling anybody. If the Spurs get out of the first round, they could very well win the title. That being said, I don't think they're going to get out of the first round. And that's with Phoenix facing a 1-0 deficit.
Boston Celtics
I made fun of Kendrick Perkins and Rajon Rondo in a column I wrote earlier this year and it wasn't entirely justified. Both players had proven themselves to be valuable assets in the Celtics' climb to greatness this season. That being said, they play next to fucking Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. I could average 20 points and 10 assists playing alongside those guys. In the end, I think the trio's painful lack of experience is going to bite them in the ass and the Celts will lose a close series against the Pistons or Magic.
The Jeremy Brunner 'Lock of the Week' picks (Teams that the Douche Lord will tell everybody he picked after the fact)
New Orleans
Damn that Chris Paul, he's so hot right now. In all seriousness, Paul is pretty damn good, but one player isn't going to be enough to get a mediocre team through the west. In fact, I'm still not entirely sure the Hornets even belong in the west. They're like the 5-foot-1 kid who goes through high school bullying kids around and nobody seems to notice that he's inferior. Well, they're headed for an ass-beating. It's inevitable. I think a second-round matchup with the Suns/Spurs would do the trick.
Orlando Magic
I didn't get too many chances to watch the Magic this season due to proximity issues, but I was impressed with what I saw on Sunday night. Dwight Howard is a manly man. I'll bet he could even wipe that smirk off Chuck Norris' face. He could probably tame a wild burro with his bare hands. He's basically God re-incarnated into a seven-foot black man. I think I'm sprouting a wood. Adulation aside, the Magic still have to get past—probably—Detroit and Boston to make the Finals. They amassed a 3-2 record against the two teams this season, but will need Howard to be better than ever in order to make it in the playoffs.
Shiek picks (The teams that I would love to pick, but don't have the balls)
Cleveland Cavs
Whether it's because they're playing their rival Wizards or for some other unforeseen reason, the Cavs are playing like a bunch of pissed off, drunken sailors. Still, LeBron needs some help if they are going anywhere past the first round and it's just not going to happen. Ben Wallace looks like he's special ed on the offensive end of the floor, Booby Gibson is too inconsistent, Wally Sczerbiak is too white and Zydrunas is just too fucking Lithuanian...or Russian. Still, the Cavs hold a 2-1 edge on the Celts this season and that's who they would meet in the second round so anything could happen.
Los Angeles Lakers
The Lakers have been on fire since picking up Pau Pau Pauwerwheels, going 26-9 over the final stretch. More good news? The only playoff teams that have beaten them since the acquisition are New Orleans, Houston and Atlanta, and all three were by small margins. More good news? Their likely second round opponent is the Utah Jazz, who they have gone 3-1 against over the course of this season. Now for the bad news. The Lakers are largely unproven in the playoffs. Pau has had a solid first outing, but who knows how he'll fare when he faces somebody that actually plays defense. Kobe put up 32 against Denver on Sunday, but it took him 26 field goal attempts and 14 free throws to do it. For Phil Jackson's sake, he better hope Vuj the Vag goes off for 40.
My sexy picks
Detroit Pistons
Everybody can call me a sellout, but Detroit is still my pick to the Finals in the Eastern Conference. For all of the hype surrounding Boston, there should be an equal amount around Flip Saunders' team. They're facing a 1-0 deficit against a hungry Philadelphia team right now, but that first game was a fluke. How often does Big Shot Billups blow his wad at the climax like he did there? Detroit will recover against the 76ers, then down the Magic, then give the Celts a run for their money.
Utah Jazz
I've got to 'rep the 801' and pick the Jazz to the Finals in the Western Conference. It's not all hometown bias though. They are a grizzled group who have been through the conference playoffs once a year ago and nearly snuck into the finals. They are tougher than any other team—a characteristic that will surely help in the playoffs. They have point scorers in Okur and Boozer, a nimble point guard in Williams, a lanky Russian (vital to any team's success) in Kiri and a handful of fiesty role players. I'm taking the Jazz over the Rockets in six, over the Lakers in six, over the Spurs/Suns in nine and then over the Pistons in seven.
The New England Patriot specials (Teams that all of the so-called experts love picking)
San Antonio Spurs
If I had a dime for every time I didn't give a shit that the Spurs were playing, I'd have at least $10.50 or so. Seriously, I know this has been said time and time again, but can we get them some brothas so it's not so painful to watch? Or maybe they can just sign the Professor. Yeah, that'd probably suffice. Actually, I'd just be happy if they tucked their pussies between their legs and quit flopping so much. GinobiIi, fucking stop it. You're not playing soccer, and you're not fooling anybody. If the Spurs get out of the first round, they could very well win the title. That being said, I don't think they're going to get out of the first round. And that's with Phoenix facing a 1-0 deficit.
Boston Celtics
I made fun of Kendrick Perkins and Rajon Rondo in a column I wrote earlier this year and it wasn't entirely justified. Both players had proven themselves to be valuable assets in the Celtics' climb to greatness this season. That being said, they play next to fucking Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. I could average 20 points and 10 assists playing alongside those guys. In the end, I think the trio's painful lack of experience is going to bite them in the ass and the Celts will lose a close series against the Pistons or Magic.
The Jeremy Brunner 'Lock of the Week' picks (Teams that the Douche Lord will tell everybody he picked after the fact)
New Orleans
Damn that Chris Paul, he's so hot right now. In all seriousness, Paul is pretty damn good, but one player isn't going to be enough to get a mediocre team through the west. In fact, I'm still not entirely sure the Hornets even belong in the west. They're like the 5-foot-1 kid who goes through high school bullying kids around and nobody seems to notice that he's inferior. Well, they're headed for an ass-beating. It's inevitable. I think a second-round matchup with the Suns/Spurs would do the trick.
Orlando Magic
I didn't get too many chances to watch the Magic this season due to proximity issues, but I was impressed with what I saw on Sunday night. Dwight Howard is a manly man. I'll bet he could even wipe that smirk off Chuck Norris' face. He could probably tame a wild burro with his bare hands. He's basically God re-incarnated into a seven-foot black man. I think I'm sprouting a wood. Adulation aside, the Magic still have to get past—probably—Detroit and Boston to make the Finals. They amassed a 3-2 record against the two teams this season, but will need Howard to be better than ever in order to make it in the playoffs.
Shiek picks (The teams that I would love to pick, but don't have the balls)
Cleveland Cavs
Whether it's because they're playing their rival Wizards or for some other unforeseen reason, the Cavs are playing like a bunch of pissed off, drunken sailors. Still, LeBron needs some help if they are going anywhere past the first round and it's just not going to happen. Ben Wallace looks like he's special ed on the offensive end of the floor, Booby Gibson is too inconsistent, Wally Sczerbiak is too white and Zydrunas is just too fucking Lithuanian...or Russian. Still, the Cavs hold a 2-1 edge on the Celts this season and that's who they would meet in the second round so anything could happen.
Los Angeles Lakers
The Lakers have been on fire since picking up Pau Pau Pauwerwheels, going 26-9 over the final stretch. More good news? The only playoff teams that have beaten them since the acquisition are New Orleans, Houston and Atlanta, and all three were by small margins. More good news? Their likely second round opponent is the Utah Jazz, who they have gone 3-1 against over the course of this season. Now for the bad news. The Lakers are largely unproven in the playoffs. Pau has had a solid first outing, but who knows how he'll fare when he faces somebody that actually plays defense. Kobe put up 32 against Denver on Sunday, but it took him 26 field goal attempts and 14 free throws to do it. For Phil Jackson's sake, he better hope Vuj the Vag goes off for 40.
My sexy picks
Detroit Pistons
Everybody can call me a sellout, but Detroit is still my pick to the Finals in the Eastern Conference. For all of the hype surrounding Boston, there should be an equal amount around Flip Saunders' team. They're facing a 1-0 deficit against a hungry Philadelphia team right now, but that first game was a fluke. How often does Big Shot Billups blow his wad at the climax like he did there? Detroit will recover against the 76ers, then down the Magic, then give the Celts a run for their money.
Utah Jazz
I've got to 'rep the 801' and pick the Jazz to the Finals in the Western Conference. It's not all hometown bias though. They are a grizzled group who have been through the conference playoffs once a year ago and nearly snuck into the finals. They are tougher than any other team—a characteristic that will surely help in the playoffs. They have point scorers in Okur and Boozer, a nimble point guard in Williams, a lanky Russian (vital to any team's success) in Kiri and a handful of fiesty role players. I'm taking the Jazz over the Rockets in six, over the Lakers in six, over the Spurs/Suns in nine and then over the Pistons in seven.
Monday, April 7, 2008
I told you fuckers
Why is it nobody believes me?
I told you bastards that North Carolina doesn't play defense. I told you that Memphis is just too good. Nobody listens to me.
How about those pair of ass-whoopins on Saturday? I know that NC came back to make it interesting, but fuck psycho T.(The worst nickname in recorded history, by the way) He got outplayed by a chubby freshman. I'm just glad I don't have to hear about how much he wants it anymore, after he clearly went to the Luke Nevill school of boxing out. The media strokeage of Hansbrough was way out of control. Seriously, did somebody mistake him for Brett Favre, because the ESPN tools and the CBS dorks were totally treating this guy like Jesus 2.0.
Speaking of those ESPN guys, why do they even make predictions? These tools pick the favorites in every single game. What douche-bags. Seriously, predictions are lame and you might as well pick the dog, since everyone will forget in two days anyhow. But these lazy bastards just pick the favorite. Lame shit.
Speaking of that: My pick for the final: Xavier over Davidson
I told you bastards that North Carolina doesn't play defense. I told you that Memphis is just too good. Nobody listens to me.
How about those pair of ass-whoopins on Saturday? I know that NC came back to make it interesting, but fuck psycho T.(The worst nickname in recorded history, by the way) He got outplayed by a chubby freshman. I'm just glad I don't have to hear about how much he wants it anymore, after he clearly went to the Luke Nevill school of boxing out. The media strokeage of Hansbrough was way out of control. Seriously, did somebody mistake him for Brett Favre, because the ESPN tools and the CBS dorks were totally treating this guy like Jesus 2.0.
Speaking of those ESPN guys, why do they even make predictions? These tools pick the favorites in every single game. What douche-bags. Seriously, predictions are lame and you might as well pick the dog, since everyone will forget in two days anyhow. But these lazy bastards just pick the favorite. Lame shit.
Speaking of that: My pick for the final: Xavier over Davidson
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